healing

home

TW: panic attack

She pulled away from the house. I just continued to look out the window and let more and more tears fall. I don't know how I was going to spend six hours in the car like this.

"y/n." Cordelia says after about five minutes. I hesitantly look to her as she tried to make eye contact with me while she drives. "I missed you. I- I'm sorry I came to get you without...notice but...I couldn't stand to see you there anymore. Especially when Dr. Staple said you weren't making any progress. You were there for four months and still look, act, and... weigh the same. I just don't understand."

I couldn't bring myself to respond. I just sat and looked at the road.

"...Uhm I'm stopping to get something to eat. Do you...want to go anywhere?"

silence.

"...y/n, you're going to have to talk to me eventually."

How could I? How can I just come out and tell her about Diane and Wilhemina. My purging and excessive exercise rituals. How I was raped and will never get justice because Dr. Staple lied. But Wilhemina. Oh Wilhemina. She had no one. I couldn't get the sound of her sobbed screams out of my head. It was haunting me. The sight of her fighting against Ellie to get to me, screaming at me to stay.

I couldn't help it but start to cry again. Tears were just flowing from my eyes and they wouldn't stop. Cordelia looked over when she heard the rapid breaths I was taking. I was biting my nails and shaking my leg like crazy. I started to have trouble breathing and Cordelia pulled the car over as I started to heave.

"y/n, sweetheart you need to breathe please it's okay."

"NO! IT'S NOT OKAY. SHES ALL ALONE AGAIN! SHE CAN'T BE ALONE AGAIN!" I screamed, holding my knees to my chest and crying into them. Cordelia places her arms around me as I started thrashing around, a screaming mess.

"Y/N! BREATHE! YOU NEED TO BREATHE ITS OKAY."

"GET THE FUCK OFF ME. ITS YOUR FAULT I HATE YOU!"

There were no words to describe how I sounded. Just screams mixed with sobs. I sounded like I was dying. I tried to open the car door but it was locked. As I push up the lock, it goes back down. I try once more and it's just being held down by Cordelia's powers.

"y/n, you need to calm down you're going to be just fine I promise. I promise," she whispered against my face as she holds me securely in her arms. "I'm not angry with you. I want you to be alright. We're going to go home and you can see your family. The girls missed you so much. It's okay," she says with such a soft voice. My breathing slowed down and I let my muscles relax a bit under her tight hold.

"She's all alone," I whispered once more.

"No she's not y/n. She's getting help. It's alright."

Cordelia carefully let go of me and buckles my seatbelt. I sit there numbly, still curled in a ball.

**
2 hours had passed with small conversation.

"Did you eat breakfast?" she asked as we passed a panera. I shook my head as I continued to look out the window, biting my nails. She pulls into the drive thru and looks to me.

"It's already lunch time so you should get something."

"I'm good."

Cordelia talks into the speaker and gets a small mac and cheese, a sandwich, and a salad. I knew it wasn't all for her and I roll my eyes. She pulls up to the window and gets the bags and paid. She goes to an empty spot in the parking lot and takes the food out of the bags. She hands me the salad and mac and cheese.

"We're gonna eat together and talk. We can share the mac and cheese if you'd like."

I eye her for a second and take the two containers. She takes her sandwich and starts eating.

"So, you want to tell me what else has been happening the past month?"

"...Well, I don't know. I just- ...overestimated how ready I was to recover. Like a lot," I scoffed, picking around at the salad as I sat against the door, my body facing her.

"I see. Well, you're here. And you're safe. And all of your family is waiting for you at home sweetheart," she spoke, with deepens into my eyes and a soothing voice. I nodded and closed the salad Tupperware.

"Yeah. Well I'm not hungry right now. I just want to get home. Back in my room... with Zoe and Madison."

"...Okay honey. Let's get home."

*+*+*+*+*

We drove to calm, mellow gold and classic rock the rest of the ride like Jim Croce, Stevie Nicks, The Beatles, and Billy Joel. It was around 5 when we got home. It was strange pulling back into the driveway, knowing I came back as a different girl from the last time I was here. In the worst ways possible.

I got out of the car and grabbed one of my bags as Delia got the rest. I approached the door and Myrtle opened it before we could knock.

"oh y/n," she whispered, taking me in her arms. I hold her back and lean my head into her soft red hair.

"Myrtle."

"Oh sweet girl come inside, come inside. Delia darling come in," she says, placing a kiss on her cheek. I entered the large white house and hear footsteps upstairs. Zoe, Madison, Nan, Misty and Queenie come racing down the stairs and attack me in a hug. Madison backs up after a second and looks me up and down as Zoe and Queenie part as well.

"W-what the hell happened? You- you were supposed to get better y/n this isn't better! You still look like you're dying and- and you're upset I can tell! What happened to kicking anorexia's ass?!"

"Maddie-"

"NO! DON'T!" she screamed, moving away from me as I tried to rest a hand on her shoulder. She immediately runs up the stairs and I drop my bag in shock. Zoe looks to me with tears in her eyes and immediately hugs me again.

"You're not mad at me too?" I laughed nervously as a tear fell down my cheek.

"No. I'm just happy you're alive. And here," she whispered, still holding me tight.

Zoe's always been my big sister. Through absolutely everything. She always has good advice whether I follow it or not and is always there to comfort me.

"...I'm happy I'm here too."

We both looked to Cordelia and Zoe gently took my hand in hers.

"Come on, I'll help you unpack," she says, grabbing my two bags and I carry my suitcase. Zoe looks back at me as she sees me struggling with the luggage but I give her a thin-lipped reassuring smile. We reached my room and as Zoe goes to open it, she sees it's locked.

"Madison, open the door," Zoe sighs.

"No bitch go away!"

"Madison, I don't give a shit if you're pissed at me, I want to unpack and be in my own room so quit being a selfish bitch and let me in," I said firmly, hitting the door with my hand. Zoe looks at me with an unsure expression and I soon hear footsteps nearing the door. Before I knew it, there was Madison's tear-stained face staring daggers at me.

"You are such a goddamn bitch," she mumbled, pushing past me, making me stumble back. I scoff and shake my head, walking into my room, setting all the bags down on my bed.

"God, I could really use a nap," I sighed.

"...Why did you do it y/n?" Zoe said from behind me.

"Do what?"

"...I know you cheated on Cordelia."

shit.