healing

breakdown

Eating disorders, depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety. Everyone who never gets help have more a chance of going crazy. Sure I got help but I don't know the statistics for that scenario. How I'm going crazy even though I got help. If that's what you even want to call it.

This is where I start to go crazy. Or think I am. In my room, I can't breathe. I sit on my bed, grasping the sheets for dear life as I take deep breaths. I thought now I might actually die. I'll never recover and Cordelia is going to hate me. I'm coming home to a woman who will never love me again.

The door soon opens, revealing Wilhemina's shaking state. I jumped to my feet and though I expected her to hold me once I wrapped my arms around her, she just pushed me away. I looked to her with confused, terrified eyes as hers failed to meet mine.

"Dr. Staple wants to see you." she says coldly, only looking at the door frame in front of her, ignoring the tears falling down both our cheeks.

"Mina I-"

"Don't call me that," she growled, finally looking at me. I just continued to look at her with a scared face, just so confused.

"Wilhemina what's going on?!"

"Excuse you?! I simply said that Ellie wanted to speak with you what IS going on?!"

"I-I'm sorry?" I whispered, holding back more sobs. I just shook my head and head downstairs, holding the end of my sleeves tightly in my palms. My fluffy socks softly hit the wooden stairs as I patted down them, back to the office.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?!" I screamed at the two women. Alice shakes her head to Ellie and rushes out of the room.

"My god. This is exactly what you were putting at risk y/n! The only reason Wilhemina has been here so long is because she relapses like this! After her attempt she's had episodes and now her months of progress are ruined AGAIN."

"W-what do you mean?"

"She's had another episode right in front of us. We'll see what Alice says but- jesus christ."

"I- I don't understand how I started this!"

"Because y/n!! THIS WAS ALL JUST A TRIGGER FOR IT! She's been lying to you,         y/n! ...Wilhemina suffers from Multiple Personality disorder, bipolar disorder, and depression."

"I-I'm sorry," I whispered.

Was this all just Wilhemina's episode? Because now she is acting like she doesn't know me. Like when I very first got here.

"I'm sure you heard now, but Cordelia will be here in the morning. I'm sorry- she called just- we can take your final vitals in the morning but y/n this looks bad for all of us. Maybe pack your things."

I turn around, silently walking back upstairs until I pass Wilhemina's room. She pulls me to the side with an insane smile. Her eyes were completely red and I couldn't even begin to read her expression.

"Hey sweetheart, what's wrong what is it?" she asks, placing a hand on my cheek, gently wiping away a tear from it. I shuddered at her touch. I've seen those eyes before. She looked like Diane. In her state of panic. I shook my head, causing her to just give a painfully constantly face. "y/n, please talk to me," she says, making all matters worse by wrapping her arms around me, kissing the top of my head. "Talk to me darling please?" she whispered, leaning her cheek on my head and stroking my hair. Alice comes out of Wilhemina's room and watches in a terrified awe.

"Wilhemina, y/n has some packing to do. Let's maybe-"

Wilhemina looks to Alice with confused eyes and I started to shake. I pushed Wilhemina away and ran to my room. I let out loud sobs as I got my suitcase from under my bed and bags from my closet. I start shoving things in bags from all over my room. I find myself holding the photo album from Cordelia and the girls. I huff and just chuck it at the wall completely. I couldn't gather my thoughts. Wilhemina just started acting completely normal but that look behind her eyes gave enough evidence that she was anything but normal right now.

I then hear the other women filling the hallway, heading downstairs for lunch. Billie and I make eye contact as she was the last woman passing my room. I was now sitting, the back of my hand against my nose as I sniffled back tears. She knocks on the door, making me jump.

"Is... everything okay?"

"No Billie, go away," I said coldly.

"Women troubles?" she giggled, stepping into the room.

"I said get out Billie!" I yelled, finally looking at her. She just looks down at me and sits on the bed.

"Sorry baby."

"Don't call me that. I'm not your fucking baby."

"...What's everyone talking about? Out there about Wilhemina."

"She- she had an episode or breakdown or something. ...Because of me."

"My my. You really are popular."

"Leave me the fuck alone Billie I can't deal with this bullshit anymore."

"What bullshit?"

"...I'm screwed. Leave me alone you won't get anywhere with me. I'm done letting people get to me. I'm not doing anything with you, so fuck off."

She stands up and hits the door frame with her hand and smirks to herself again.

"I get my vitals after lunch. What do they do?"

"Vitals?" I asked, lifting my head a bit.

"Yeah. I have to get weighed and shit like that."

"Do you... have an eating disorder?" I asked.

"Well, yeah. Orthorexia."

I just nodded and looked back down.

"Well... they make you strip, weigh you, I don't know check your height, blood pressure, ...tell you some stupid disturbing shit to scare you."

"Oh. Perfect."

"Yeah. Sorry that's why you're here... But I can't- talk to anyone right now. So please... get out."

Billie sighs, knowing she couldn't win me over in this state of mind and finally left. I blinked away a few tears and zipped up my bags and suitcase. I left out pajamas and clothes for tomorrow.

I look over the empty room and try to take a deep breath. I brushed my fingers over the tube that was still taped to my cheek. I mean hey, at least I managed to pull at least four women with this thing. ...Okay definitely too soon.

I felt exhausted. I was surprised no one came to get me for lunch so I took the opportunity to finally sleep.

Situating myself under the blanket, I cuddled into the soft sheets, curling into a ball and let the final tears fall.

***
A few hours later, I hear a soft knock on the door. I open my eyes and am met with the sun setting through the large window. I turn around and see Alice standing at the door.

"y/n, it's time for dinner." I sit up and rub my eyes, adjusting to the subtle, dusty light that filled the room. "All packed I see?" she says with a thin lipped smile.

"...Yeah."

"I'm sorry y/n. I'm sorry how hard this has all been for you."

"...Is Wilhemina okay?"

"...Uhm she's downstairs at dinner."

Didn't really answer my question but I threw the covers off of me and passed her at the door. I dreaded it but I head downstairs and everyone at the table looked at me.

Wilhemina only looked up for a second but went back to putting food on her plate.

That's when I realized, Diane was gone.