healing

do you know her?

The next day at the hospital, they did my weigh-in, my supplement, and my blood. I was now sat in group therapy, only reason I was happy was because I got to bring my blanket. The rooms were always so cold to me. I hated group therapy. Most girls were rude and triggering.

"Layla, why don't you share?"

The therapist was really nice. She reminds me a bit of Alice and I hated to say it but I missed her. I started thinking about how I threw a book at her and it made me realize I really took her help for granted.

"Well, I just really miss purging. It's so hard to do it here," the girl said with an annoyed face, making me roll my eyes.

"Okay let's try to refrain from talking about unhealthy mechanisms Layla. You wouldn't want someone talking about that in front of you would you?"

She shrugged and looked down with an eye roll. I generally spaced out the whole time. I finally got my clothes this morning. Fiona was courteous enough to bring me some from home, including my favorite beanie. These girls all had darting, judgy eyes. Lots of them kept looking at me, up and down, observing my body. I gave them a glare right back and that usually helped.

"I just don't know how I'm supposed to recover when this is just a part of my life. I feel fine this is just how I live?" a girl scoffed.

"It's not a personality trait. You're sick," I hissed suddenly. The therapist looks up at me. Her name was Alanna.

"So she speaks! Y/n, is there another way you could say that without disregarding Emma's feeling?"

"I'm just saying, it's not normal. It's not a lifestyle... you can't just be let off the hook by people around you for slowly killing your self."

"I've dealt with this for two years. It's just my everyday life."

"Try five years. Not invalidating your feelings at all. It doesn't matter how long you've been dealing with the illness but... you can't just not ever get help."

"y/n's actually very right Emma. Everyone is different but if you continue to live your everyday life like this, ...you can do serious damage to your body and eventually die. It's okay to need help."

After group therapy, it was rec time. I didn't see Diane anywhere. I guess we were only in the same rooms for meals. That kinda sucks. I soon feel a tap on my shoulder.

"Hey, good for you for what you said. That Emma girl is just so... triggering. Do you want to come outside with me for a walk? We get twenty minutes. And I don't know if you smoke but..."

"Yes."

She giggled and nodded. "Okay."

She had short blonde hair, blue eyes and a tube in as well. Once we got outside and started walking, she started the conversation once again.

"Alanna said it, but my name's Amber. y/n right?"

"Yeah. I hate group therapy."

"Everyone does. It's so humbling," she chuckles. I scoff back and nod.

"Some of those girls just- scare me."

"Yeah. That girl Layla got caught exercising three times. ...But... weren't you the one they caught hiding food...?"

"...Yeah. I just panicked. I should've thought about everyone around me. I felt bad."

"Yeah but the way they dealt with it was way harsh. I mean... stripping you in front of everyone..."

"Yeah."

"It's okay though. With all the shit that goes on here, I'm sure no one even remembers," she shrugs, handing me a cig and lighting it for me. "I mean there really are some crazies here. I heard there's a woman who stole a baby and raised her for years as her own. Then she found out about everything and called the police. I don't know the whole story but it sounded pretty crazy."