healing

goodbye

TW: Sexual assault, NG tube, calories, working out, weight, obsessive behavior

The next couple of days, I finally returned to breakfast, lunch, and dinner since I felt a lot less insecure without the tube. I just sat there though while Nurse Aird and Dr. Staple were trying to figure out a new treatment for me.

I had dropped three more pounds again without the tube and still exercising at night. For now, they gave me ensure during meal times and I obviously got Friday group movie taken away since I refused to take it. Dr. Staple made me open my mouth to prove I swallowed my antidepressants every morning.

Everyone was staring at me as I once again stared at my empty plate. I'm pretty sure my dumb points were at like -12. I didn't speak to anyone and sat in whatever seat was open.

Today I was seated next to Diane as I spaced out. That was until she placed a hand on my thigh, caressing it up and down, gently squeezing it.

I just let her.

Her hand almost wrapped around my leg which made me feel a bit insecure, realizing how small it really was. She continued eating her food with her other hand, not even looking at me as her hand traveled up further and I didn't stop her. I felt tears brimming my eyes as I just sat back with my arms crossed and tensed at Diane's touch. Her fingers brushed against my clothed center, making my eyes widen as she starts to try and travel her hand down the front of my pants.

I stand up, making her quickly pull her hand away and I run to the stairs. I go to my room and forgot to mention I got my door taken away.

My fucking door.

All because they wanted to make sure I wasn't exercising or purging. They were really on high alert but I was just doing sit-ups to no fucking end at night until I passed out.

Yeah, I'll admit now it was bad. But I couldn't stop because the pain just felt so fucking good.

I just lay on my bed and start doing sit-ups as tears fell down my face. I did about 30 until I hear footsteps in the hallway, making me immediately stop as I now lay still, stuck in my own thoughts. It was Alice.

"y/n?"

"I'm sorry. I know I'm not supposed to leave breakf-"

"You have a letter from the school," she says with a thin-lipped smile, holding a letter out to me. I sat up and took it from her. "Dr. Staple wants to see you in 20 minutes in the hospital room."

And with that, she left. I couldn't help but feel like the staff has lost hope in me despite their constant (useless) words or reassurance. I was now five pounds less than when I arrived and it was very clearly stressing Dr. Staple out. She was obviously concerned and I think I'm about one step away from getting kicked out of this place. But that was the worst part. The not knowing. They won't fucking tell me anything.

My birthday is tomorrow. I'll be 18. I should be out celebrating or something but I'm stuck here, close to accepting death as my consequence for my stupid stupid stupid actions.

I slowly opened the letter that was labeled the address of the facility. It had a beautiful flower stamp on the top corner and cursive handwriting on the front.

Dearest y/n,

Happy happy birthday to my favorite girl in the whole world. I can't believe you're already 18. It seems like just yesterday seeing you walk into the academy at only 14. I always knew you would grow up into a beautiful young lady. Once you're discharged, we're throwing a huge party for you no matter how late it is from your birthday. I miss you more than you know and I know you don't want to talk to me but just know, I can't tell you enough how much I love you, my beautiful baby girl. Whether you like it or not, the girls and I are coming to visit for a few hours in a couple of days to take you where ever you want. It took quite a bit of convincing from Dr. Ellie but hey, it was worth it for you. I love you I love you I love you. Happy birthday, darling.