healing

Save Me

TW: Ed, mention of  many eating disorder behaviors, panic attack

Waking up the next morning, I was buzzing with emotion. My brain moving in all directions thinking of all the events today followed.

Cordelia and Wilhemina were coming.

Will they bring anyone? What will they say? Does Fiona know? Will I go home today? ...I don't think I'm going home today. I can't stay here. I have to convince them to take me home. What do I say to them? Can they even discharge me? I want to go home. I WANT TO GO HOME.

I found myself pacing the room in a craze, biting my brittle nails, quivering.

"NO EXERCISING." I whipped my body around to see a nurse open my door. "We're going to have to put you under supervision watch today y/n. Sit down please."

"No no please I'm sorry I wasn't exercising. I was j- just pacing-"

The nurse laughs in my face and shakes her head.

"Opening your mouth isn't helping your case. Stay."

Am I a fucking dog? Perfect fucking timing. Right before I see Cordelia and Mina. This can't be happening. My chart is not looking good. Since I stepped foot in this fucking place these people suck.

I thought maybe that was just it.

They'll have to understand this place is horrible these are misunderstandings! ...Why would they believe anything I say.

My nails found themselves digging into my scalp as I bounced my leg up and down, my elbows resting on my knees.

Fuck.

***
I don't think I'll ever forget my hysterics as I got admitted to the real hospital. When they put me in a hospital bed for security reasons, making sure I'm not doing any "unhealthy rituals", only to finally see my vitals. They thought it was best to keep me hospitalized.

I lay in that bed, constant beeping and needles. IV's, tube replacements, feedings. All in the span of one day before the most important people in my life came to see me. I wanted to see them so much and I had no idea when they were coming.

I was finally alone, at rest, still trying to calm myself after being grabbed, yelled at, and threatened. The curtain was drawn, seeing the nurses don't want to hear my measly sobs at their stations.

That was until a hand grasps the cloth and opens it. Seeing I thought it was a doctor or nurse, I kept my eyes fixed on the ceiling.

"Hi sweetheart," she smiled. I jumped and sat up.

"Diane get out you can't be in here," I cowered.

"Shh it's okay. I just wanted to make sure you're alright," she said desperately.

"I'm fine now get out!" My voice sounded so pained because this time, I couldn't go anywhere and she knew it. I was so tired of seeing her face. How much it made my heart jump knowing it's fear, accompanied by the yearning for care from the mother figure she so exceptionally portrayed herself as. "Diane, you're going to get in trouble please go," I begged as she stepped closer with worry.

"Baby please-"

"Diane I swear, there's been staff in and out of here every minute. Get out!" I said with clenched teeth and desperately drawn eyebrows. She quickly looks to the door.

"Fuck y/n, I love you okay," she panted as her voice broke, leaving as quick as she came.

I sigh in defeat and throw a hand over my eyes. I click the nurses station button over and over as I roll on my side in sudden pain. A nurse walks in, soon startled by my state; pale as a ghost, breathing heavily with my arm draped over my stomach. I didn't even have to say the word "kidney tray" before she ran to the side of my bed, holding it just under my head and I let it out. That was impressive on her part.