healing

hope

I lay on the hospital bed just staring at the ceiling filled with numbness. Alice came in and sat in the seat beside me.

"Hey y/n." I didn't respond and kept my eyes fixated on the ceiling. "Do you... want to tell me what happened?"

"I'm sure Dr. Staple already told you everything," I mumbled, trying not to cry.

"Well, I just want to hear what you have to say."

"Well, I'm just a burden to Cordelia, my friends, and the family I no longer talk to. Even Dr. Staple. I just want to get the fuck out of here and go home."

"And I'm sure you're worried about how you're going to do that when recovery seems so hard right nowhere ."

"I can't believe I purged like that today. ...It's all my fault."

"Fuck fault." Alice suddenly says, making me look over at her in shock. "y/n, it's your choice for how you want to move forward. That is your choice only. Not Cordelia, not Dr. Staple. Yours."

"I'm just so tired of this. Is it weird I feel happier when I'm starving?"

"No. You may feel that way because it makes you feel you have a sense of control. But trust me, you'll soon forget about that when death is standing at the foot of your bed."

"Well tell death I'm fucking waiting."

"y/n you don't mean that. I know you don't."

"Well. You clearly don't know shit, Alice."

"What do you think Dr. Staple would say to that?"

"I don't know. I don't care. I'd rather her kick me out than try to help me again. It clearly is just making me worse at this point."

"So what now y/n?"

"What now? Now, I think they should take this tube out. I'm not letting them give me any more supplements. I'm just going to work at my own pace again. I was doing fine with that."

"Oh yeah consuming 300 calories a week was working amazing wasn't it? Falling down the stairs, fainting in the bathroom, having to use a wheelchair because your nervous system and muscles are giving out? Sure sounds fine to me."

"Fuck you, Alice."

"Say that all you want y/n. Your illness will always convince you that you are not sick enough or not thin enough. But for you, there's no such thing as sick or thin enough. It doesn't exist."

"Alice go away."

"...I'll see you tomorrow y/n."

Alice stood up with a sigh and I stayed on the hospital bed. My eyes remained on the ceiling for probably a few hours. Dr. Staple had come in and tried to get me to my room but I refused to speak to her.

I just wanted to die.

***

One month later:

I only had 10 days until my 18th birthday. I had only gained 15 pounds from the tube which barely made a difference since I cut that in half by excessive exercise.

Leaving me only weighing 7 pounds more than when I arrived. I stopped talking to everyone. Even Cordelia. She called and called and called but I refused to speak to her. I stayed quiet and pushed everyone away. I've barely spoken a full sentence to Alice since the day I was caught purging again.

I had fainted countless times in the middle of the night from exercise and would wake up on the floor forgetting where I was. I had to get my tube changed multiple times because it kept coming up when I would vomit from supplements. I was about a step away from going to the hospital.

I was up late looking at the photo album for the 30th time in a row. I missed my friends so much. I wanted nothing than to be back at the coven and be with them all the time.

I was looking at one of the most special photos in the book to me which was Stevie visiting me in the hospital, singing with her tambourine. I love that woman so much. I missed her a lot and would do anything to see her again.

I suddenly feel a familiar wave of nausea in my stomach and ran to the bathroom, throwing up the supplement again. All of a sudden, the tube came up, making me panic. No one was awake and I didn't know how to take it out. I stood up and went to the mirror and started to pull it from my nose rubbing it against the top of my tonsils, making me gag. It hurt more than usual when they would take it out and I breathed heavily, really starting to panic. I ran to the Hospital room and thanked the fucking universe that Nurse Aird was up. I stepped in with tears in my eyes and cried.

"Nurse Aird, please help me." She jumped up and cooed at me. "I'm sorry, it didn't settle right again," I whispered between gags.

"It's okay honey just sit down," she sighed apologetically. She lifted it a bit making me gag again and I reached for the kidney tray, throwing up.

If it was even possible, I just felt grosser than ever. In fact, I just felt disgusting. At this point, my so-called "recovery" was turning into trauma. Never thought I'd be complaining about throwing up. Even Sally had stopped hitting on me.

"It's okay honey. Just let it out."

I was sobbing and choking on the tube that was hanging down and looked up to see Dr. Staple rushing in the room as Nurse Aird hastily put on latex gloves.

"Ellie. It's the supplement again," Nurse Aird sighed as Ellie put on gloves as well. It was weird seeing Dr. Staple like this, seeing that she was wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt instead of her usual blouse and skirt. I had my eyes glued shut at the pain as Dr. Staple came over and gently took the tube in her hand.

"Oh gosh. I think we're gonna have to take it out from her throat," she mumbled as she took the port in her hand. She took off the end of it where they put in the supplement, leaving it to look like the other end. "Just breathe y/n it's alright."
Dr. Staple put this liquid stuff on the end of the tube and nodded. "Ready?" I just nodded and squeezed my eyes shut as she quickly pulled it out from my mouth, making me cry out in pain.
"I'm sorry honey. I know," she said with sad eyes and rubbed my back as I looked down, sobbing.

"We're going to have to try another form of treatment y/n. I'm really sorry," Nurse Aird said, throwing the tube away. I just shook my head and took a deep breath.

"Just fucking give up already! I want to go home!"

"y/n we know you want to go home... but we need to at least try honey."

"I'm hurting so much Dr. Staple. The tube hasn't even fucking worked!"

"We know. That's why we're going to try something else okay?"

"Or you could just stop fucking trying," I mumbled, crying into my hands until Dr. Staple kneeled in front of me, placing a hand on my cheek.

"No y/n listen to me. I am not giving up on you. I know how hard it is. I know. But you are young and we just want to help you get better. I know it may feel impossible now but honey, it's not. It's not impossible. Alright?"

I just stared at her for a moment and nodded. She nodded back with an apologetic smile and stood up. Something in me was definitely craving some kind of motherly love and never thought I'd do this but I leaned forward and gave Dr. Staple a hug. She seemed surprised but was quick to hug me back. She stroked my back up and down and closed her eyes.

"It's gonna be okay."

"I hope."