Do Us Part

13. "Crush me not"

Chapter 13

(15 years ago)

Natalie

You know, that attractive lad in class who is constantly in his own quiet 'world'?

Well, that was Sam.

I usually look forward to Monday Arithmetic class at 9 a.m., because I enjoy the class, but also because it was the first time in a week that I get to breathe practically the same air as him.

I have had a crush on him ever since I saw him in that first Arithmetic lesson.

It was like I had never seen a man like him before. He was the person I didn't realize I wanted: tall, dark, usually silently studying his books or typing away, walks alone mostly and is so damn attractive.

He was a year my senior, but we shared a lot of practical lessons.

He's creative, intelligent, and...stunning.

My best friend, Zoey, had known about my tremendous infatuation on him since the beginning.

She had been bugging me a lot at the time to get a boyfriend... because, at 17, I didn't have one. I hadn't even gotten a real kiss.

My first kiss...isn't exactly a fond memory for me. My cousin, Mia's buddy, Anna's elder brother, Robin, and I had a fling.

Robin was...well...Robin- Runny nose, extremely curling hair, and a solemn demeanor- It was when I was 12, and I have no idea what I was thinking. I think I simply wanted to get it out of the way.

All my circle of girlfriends had all had theirs..so I figured why not?

Sam was particularly noticeable for his unusual way of walking. He constantly attempted to walk quickly and smart at the same time, but he usually ended up appearing like he was dancing while walking, which made me grin all the time.

Sometimes, I'll spot him heading up the stairs, typically alone, from time to time while standing on the corridor. When he strolled alone, he always wore earbuds and had a serious expression on his face, which made me wonder what type of music he listened to.

I couldn't understand why someone didn't like chatting as much as I did. He was...unlike anybody I knew, and a big part of me would have given everything to talk to him for an hour. I wanted to hear his opinions on general matters. I also wanted to see how talking to him so close would feel-if I'd still get the jitters...or not.

Our wandering eyes would occasionally cross in class, and my heart would quickly be excited....then I'd just glance away, avoiding the tingling feeling on my face from flushing so much.

At times, I noticed him gazing at others who were holding conversations, as if he was trying to figure out what they were saying.

He was usually with his pal Jack when he wasn't alone- Jack and Sam were well-liked by both boys and girls since they were both extremely intelligent and attractive.

They would sometimes hang out with other guys, and while Jack was typically the more outspoken of the two, Sam was more reserved and would usually simply sit back and let his friend be himself.

And then, on extremely rare but fortunate occasions, I would catch him smiling- his smile was the most beautiful thing ever.

The way his eyes creased and he laughed, looking heavenward was always the highlight of my day. The way he grinned cutely, with his mouth slightly open and his eyes half-closed made you smile with him.

When he wasn't in class, he would sit in an open area, drawing or reading. Every time I saw him, I was tempted to approach him, strike up a conversation, and just...have him chat back, but my nerves weren't as strong back then.

So...I did what I do best- Admire from afar...the way his eyes twitch occasionally while conversing with others, and how he would unconsciously bite on his lower lip while playing with his pencil, trying to get ideas...and how his forehead would form at least three uneven wrinkles while he would run his hands on his lips when he couldn't get something right.

I wished he'd just stroll up to me and say anything, even if it was just "good morning," but none of that occurred. At least not in real life.

Only in my wild imaginations.

That is, until we played a game of truth and dare, and Zoey, knowing how much I adored Sam, dared me to approach him and tell him how I felt.

I wasn't going to do it until Zoey mentioned Sophie being interested in him. That's when I realized that this could be my only opportunity because I've known Sophie since preschool, and she gets pretty much whatever she wants.

So I decided to express my feelings to him.

What's the worst that could happen, after all?

I approached Sam and told him I liked him...and that I'm telling him the truth because I was brave enough to. He looks at me with his mouth apart, not answering.

I waited for him to say something for a few seconds. Anything. But he simply stayed there staring, and the longer I remained there, the more awkward and ashamed I felt.

Though I couldn't tell what he was thinking, the look on the two other men' faces beside him made me assume they thought it was humorous.

When they returned my stare, I felt even more uneasy...but more than that, I was sad. That's when I discovered the first rule of being a young adult: 'never reveal your sentiments to a guy.' I felt wounded since he didn't say anything. "You're an asshole," I said as I strode away, choking back tears.