DEMONS YOU MADE

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“My mind is a mess that I can't escape from”

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I was there again. Thursday. Therapy sessions. Hell.

"You should talk. I'm not going to force you to but if you have anything whatsoever to say. Let me know please." He picked up his telephone and called a number. ".....Yeah, bring two. Right now" he cut it.

Not long afterwards, a short knock interrupted us. A lady in blue scrubs brought in a tray and placed it on the table. She left.

"You should have some icecream. It's Chocolate flavored" I smiled and took the spoon digging in. I can't resist icecream.

"Thanks" I told him and he smiled.

"So how are you feeling? Be honest with yourself. I don't want the infamous 'im fine' when you're obviously not. So how are you feeling?" I looked faraway. Tears were stinging my eyes. I always get emotional when I hear this question. Like the hell!? I don't even know how I feel.

"That feeling when you're not necessarily sad but you just feel really empty. Yeah, that's the one" he looked up at me and nodded with a smile.

"That's...nice. I guess" A long moment of silence ensued with none of us speaking. Niyin, like he asked to call him, was just scooping his icecream and me, well I was just staring into space.. thinking as usual.

"Y'know when I was a lot younger, I'd wish I was one of those girls that were PRETTY pretty. Like the one that just walk by you and you be like 'oh my God, she's so pretty'."

"But you're PRETTY pretty" Niyin told me. I looked at his face for any trace of doubt, uncertainty but I saw none. Then I laughed so loud and so much that it hurt. I didn't know when tears began to fall.

"Mom never thought so" I finally said wiping off my tears.

"So..what was your relationship with your mom like?" I tensed at the question.

"Pure hatred. I tried to believe I  hated her so much but I hated myself much more for actually loving her despite thinking I hate her. She always made me think low of myself. I have a twin, Nessa. Mom always made it crystal clear that she liked Nessa more. She'd compliment Nessa always, smile at her, go for her school functions and competitions. Whenever she came for our school functions, she always made it clear that she came for Nessa. Nessa was pretty close to her. Whenever my dad bought us gifts, Nessa would always say she wanted mine then she'd skitter off to her mom crying. And mom would collect it from me and give her saying I should invest more time in studying like my sister, then I'd get gifts. I feel most times that if we weren't twins, I'd prolly think I'm an adopted child or better still, a child she picked from the gutter out of nothing but sheer pity."

"Hmm..that's the longest you've spoken since I knew you." He said trying to make light, the situation.

"I'm sorry...it's just that.." I found myself apologizing.

"No..not at all. You don't have to be sorry. I'm excited, happy, elated that you decided to talk. I've been waiting for this. So I'm pointing it that your mom is a major factor in whatever situation you're in. Describe how she is now?"

"Hmm. Mom. She's trying to act like we've been cool right from time. But I know better, she'd change once I get to her nerves. Sometimes, she tries playing victim card by apologizing but I know better." I scoffed.

"Okayy. What about Nessa?"

"Nessa, is still the same selfish mean bitch she's always been. After what she did to me, I don't think I have it in me to forgive her." He looked at me with piqued interest.