The 1975

Chapter Seventy-Five || Will it ever end?

Date: November 22nd

Location: Comerica Theater - Phoenix, Arizona

"It's as hot as Satan's ball in this bitch" Isis groaned.

I giggled. "Isis!"

"What?" She chuckled. "Who knew Bora Bora would be hot during the winter"

"Stop rubbing it in my face you bitch" I laughed. "The things I would do to be in bora bora"

"As if Matty would even let you leave that tour again" Isis chuckled. "Speaking of how is he?"

"He's good" I said trying to sound enthusiastic.

"You're still bringing them to thanksgiving dinner right?" She asked.

I sighed. "Maybe"

"You okay Abbi?" She asked. "This is the first time you've called in weeks and you sound kinda down"

"Uh yeah I'm just really tired" I mumbled.

"Ab you can talk to me" she said.

"I know" I half smiled. "Nothing's wrong Isis this tour is just exhausting"

"Right well I'll let you go, go get some sleep babe and stop going ghost on us. Were your family and we worry and Matty may take care of you but we still worry" she giggled.

"Kay, love you" I said then hung up.

"You can't keep lying to them Abigail" Bruno sighed as he handed me a cup of coffee.

"Wanna bet" I sighed then got up and walked off the bus.

I was going fucking insane and that may sound dramatic but imagine loving someone so much it hurt to even hear their voice and imagine having to lie to the people who love you the most because you're afraid they're going to hate the person you love. It's stressful as hell and it's overwhelming and I probably have like twenty anxiety attacks a day and that's just because I'm around either James or Matty. Who fucking knew James could cause my anxiety attacks but every time I'm around his arrogant ass I just get so much.

But I was doing this to myself because nobody is forcing me to stay, nobody is forcing me to be around James or Matty or even fucking George who I can't even stand being around anymore. I was doing this to myself, I was driving myself insane and it was scaring me because the old Abigail would never let herself get to rock bottom, the old Abigail would give up because she would know when enough was enough and I hated who I was. I hated that I couldn't walk away, I hated that I let James disrespect me and I hated that I let Matty not say anything to him until it was too late.

I didn't know what to do anymore it was like my mind and my heart were in a constant battle with each other and some nights the pain and the anxiety was so unbearable and some nights I saw him on stage singing and I just fell for ever harder than before because he is the most amazing person ever and then I remember what he said and what he did and the anger comes back. It is a constant battle and I can't blame anybody but myself for fighting it each and every day because I can't find it in me to walk away from Matty Healy.

"We're going for some breakfast" Steve said as he knocked on the bathroom door.

"Okay" I sighed.

"Ab" he groaned. "You have to come with"

"I don't have to do anything" I chuckled.

"Drop the bitch attitude and hurry up" he barked then he walked away. I didn't have it in me to fight anymore.

After slipped on some shorts under my super oversized shirt I tied my hair up in this messy bun then grabbed my wallet and phone and met the guys outside. I probably looked so gross since I was crying beforehand and I hadn't slept all night and I threw up too so I was probably ghostly pale. I was just a big ass mess. "You look lovely" Jamie lied enthusiastically as I walked up to him and some of the guys.