The 1975

Chapter Eighty-Five || Sleeping with your demons

Date: December 16th

Location: Cleveland Masonic and Performing Arts Center - Cleveland, Ohio

It was like I reliving those terrible weeks all over again.

Matty wasn't speaking to me and I couldn't bare being around George without being mad at him and myself.

I was so mad at myself.

After Matty saw our little moment last night George and I chased him back to the buses to explain ourselves but by the time we got back he was already on stage for a quick soundcheck.

He's asked Jamie to keep me far away from him so Jamie kindly asked me not to attend the show and I didn't.

However George had no option and from what John told me Matty barely said to words to him let alone looked over at him and when the show ended Matty just shoved right passed him.

He ended up back on the bus and I tried talking to him but he shot me one of those terrifying looks then went is his room and slammed the door shut and hasn't come out since.

I ended up sleeping in one of the bunks crying for hours while George slept on the couch, we didn't say a word to each other and now he we were mere miles out of Cleveland.

"Come on love" Jamie said as he sat down next to me on the couch with a tea cup in his hand. "You've got to at least drink something"

"I'm fine" I mumbled, I overhead John telling Adam that I was almost in this trance where all I did was constantly stare blankly at the floor. He also said he was getting creeped out.

"I've bought you a cheese Danish" Ross cheesed as he held it out in his hand.

"Thank you" I managed to say with a small smile as I took it, saying no would probably make him sad and I couldn't risk making anyone else sad.

"Eat up" Jamie barked cheerfully as he stood up. "We've got a long day ahead"

"Jamie" I sighed but he just shook his head and walked to the back of the bus where the room is. I heard him knock then heard the door open then close.

I couldn't understand why I constantly put myself in positions like this.

Why was it so hard to not act a certain way with George when I'm so madly in love with Matty?

I kept asking myself this question all night long, I couldn't possibly love George the way I love Matty because I would feel it in my bones and in my soul like I do with Matty.

I wondered if it was maybe the fact that he has always managed to save the day.

In Canada when we went to the abandoned building where Nelson Mandela once walked, in Paris when we sat under the Eiffel Tower to watch the sun rise, the first out of the country show we went to where he carried me back to my room.

All the times we cuddled in bed talking about the most random things, him introducing me to the person he's loved the most in life, him helping me understand Matty.

It was times like those that made me so grateful for him and all that he does but it wasn't enough to make me love him like I love Matty, and I don't mean that in a rude way I just couldn't wrap my head around the reason for my doings when I'm alone with George.

"Abigail" Adam said as he sat next to me, his big eyes so full of happiness.

"Hi" I softly smiled.

"What are you thinking about?" He asked leaning back into the couch.

"Everything" I scoffed.

He chuckled. "I am not surprised, word of advice?"

"Please" I nodded, advice from Adam usually came with a good outcome.