Secrets

14 | devon

"Devon . . ."

Hadley trails off, seemingly at a loss for words as she steps out of her car and onto the driveway that leads to my house. She eyes the scene laid out before her with wide, surprised eyes. I can tell that whatever she'd been expecting to find when I'd asked her to come over tonight, it certainly hadn't been this.

I've laid out a flannel quilt in the front yard, decorated with pillows and spare blankets. I've set up a basket full of Hadley's favorite snacks next to my laptop, and I stand off to the side of it all a little sheepishly. It's a particularly bright night, as the moon and stars illuminate the inky black sky from up above. It's beautiful, though pales in comparison to the girl gazing at me in awe.

"I know it's not much," I murmur as I rub the back of my neck nervously. I hated the way I spoke to Hadley the last time we were together, and I knew I needed to make it up to her somehow. "I don't know . . . I thought we could lay out here for a little while, maybe watch the stars? I remember you telling me a while ago that you've always wanted to go stargazing, so I thought–"

Hadley cuts my rambling short by tossing her arms around my shoulders, meeting my gaze as she rests her forehead against mine.

"I love it," she whispers. "Thank you."

My face lights up like the stars above us as Hadley grins. She wraps her arms around my torso tightly and coddles her face into the crook of my neck. We stand like that for a long moment, holding each other in silence before finally pulling apart. I take Hadley's hand in mine as I gesture for her to take a seat on the duvet sprawled out on the grass beneath us.

"What did you do all of this for?" Hadley questions as I lay a spare blanket atop her legs to keep her from getting too cold. "Don't get me wrong–I love it. But what's going on, babe?"

I'm going to tell her tonight, I think to myself. I have to tell her the truth.

I clear my throat, leaning back on my elbows and gazing over at Hadley as I struggle to form words. Just tell her! A voice cries loudly in the back of my mind, though I can't seem to give in to the temptation.

Instead, I find myself saying, "I guess I just wanted to. I haven't been able to spend nearly as much time with you as I've wanted since summer started, and I know that's my fault. I've been so busy with soccer and . . . I just miss being with my girlfriend."

I curse myself for not telling her about Stanford when I had the chance. It only makes matters worse that Hadley is smiling at me, so full of elation at the thought of me doing all of this just to surprise her. In reality, this had been meant to soften the blow of the truth and act as an apology for the way I last treated her.

She's so happy in this moment . . . I can't tell her the truth now. I can't take this joy from her. I just can't.

So I tell as close to the truth as I can get without admitting that I'm going to be leaving in just a matter of weeks.

"I've been an asshole," I admit, "you were right, Hads . . . I've been distant lately. I've been acting differently and taking things out on you, and I know that's not fair. I want you to know that it has nothing to do with you at all. You haven't done anything wrong. I've been stressed with some decisions I need to make this year, and then your ex moved in across the street from you, and I guess everything just . . . I let things get to me that I shouldn't have. And I'm sorry, Hadley. You're the most important person to me–the most important part of my life. I'm sorry if I've treated you otherwise."

Hadley bites down on her lip as I speak. Her expression is thoughtful, and somewhat guilt-stricken. I wonder for a moment if Hadley has been keeping secrets of her own.

"I'm sorry too," she starts to say, "I–"

"No," I cut her off, sitting upright as I shake my head slowly. "You have absolutely nothing to apologize for, Hadley. I was being a big baby over nothing. I'm not letting you apologize when you've done nothing wrong."

Hadley's features soften as she gazes down at me. It's crazy to think she has no idea how stunning she is. I take her hand in mine and squeeze comfortingly.

"I did talk to Sloane," she admits in a whisper. "She and I agreed we don't want things to be weird, and that we'd try to be cordial if we run into one another. I just thought you should know."

I take in her words for a moment. Jealousy rises in my chest for a fraction of a second before I swallow it down. I refuse to get upset over this. Hadley and Sloane are neighbors now–there's nothing she nor I can do about that fact. Of course they should be able to get along; to be friends, even. I'm not going to shame her over something she can't control, and I can't get in the way of the fact that the two have history even if I don't particularly like thinking about their past.

I shoot Hadley a lopsided grin. "I'm glad, Hads. If you two are gonna be living next to each other, it's fair you at least try to be friends. You don't have to explain anything to me. I understand."

Hadley beams. Moonlight reflects in her blue eyes, the orbs sparkling like diamonds. Her happiness is infectious. She's beautiful and radiant and everything I wish I could be myself.

My heart sinks as a voice whispers in my head, You have to leave her.

"I love you," Hadley blurts, distracting me from my solemn thoughts.

"I love you, Hadley Carter," I murmur in return. "So much."

I hope she knows just how true the words are. I want to spend forever showing her my love. I pray she won't leave me when she finds out I have to move. I don't want to accomplish my goals if it means losing her.

Grinning, Hadley leans toward my direction. She teases me for a moment, drawing her face close to mine, ceasing her movements when her lips are nothing more than a whisper against my own. When she kisses me, it's as if the rest of the world ceases to exist. There is nothing except for she and I, her lips on mine, stopping time.

I kiss Hadley as if I'll never have the chance to do so again–mainly because I know I won't, at least not for a while once there's hundreds of miles between us. I pull her in impossibly close, holding on like I plan to never let go. Because God, I don't ever want to fucking let her go. When our kiss does end–as all things do, eventually–I hold her in my arms as she lays atop my chest, our bodies intertwined.

We spend the night beneath the stars, alone together in the best of ways.