Secrets

38 | devon

"I don't want Hadley to know I'm here," I tell Kai as I close the door to my bedroom after allowing him to enter, facing him with a serious expression.

I took a flight home this afternoon after practice had ended, knowing it was the best thing I could do to make things up to Hadley after the way I've recently treated her. It was a long (and expensive) flight, but I know it will all be worth it when I see the look on Hadley's face upon surprising her. Keeping secrets from my girlfriend is what got me into this whole mess, though I have a feeling she won't mind this one.

Homecoming at the high school is tomorrow night, and I plan to surprise Hadley by going as her date. Kai is the only person I've told that I'm back home–besides my mom, obviously–so he's helping me come up with the plan. I know how important it had been to Hadley that we attend homecoming together, and though I've missed a lot since I've been gone, I can at least do my best to make tomorrow night special for her.

"I'm pretty sure Mason said the girls are going to get ready at Hadley's house," Kai informs me. "I can just drive you over when she lets me know they're ready to go. Hadley will be stoked."

I wring my hands together nervously. "I hope so."

"She will be," Kai assures me, resting a comforting hand on my shoulder. "It's good to see you again. We all miss you."

I return the gesture as Kai wraps me into his arms, lingering in his embrace longer than necessary. It takes all of my willpower not to fall apart in his arms as I struggle to fight off tears. I've missed home so much–I've ached to see my friends again, to be around anything familiar.

"So, how's Stanford?" Kai questions. He takes a seat on my bed, getting comfortable. For a moment, I'm transported back in time. It's almost as if nothing has changed–as if I never left.

I'm struck with reality as I look around my childhood bedroom, realizing that everything has changed. The walls are empty, devoid of my touch. Nearly all of my belongings are gone, leaving the room surrounding me looking as if it has never been lived in. Years of memories made are gone. All in the blink of an eye.

I open my mouth to answer Kai's question, finding that I can't seem to come up with a response. In all honesty, I can't even say I've been happy this last month. I like my new team, but I'm not particularly close with any of my teammates. Audrey is cool, but she pales in comparison to the people I left behind here.

It hits me that I've barely done much since beginning the school year at Stanford besides reminisce on the past. I've spent the entire time I've been living there wishing I could be where I am right now.

I swallow hard. "It's been fine. What's been going on here?"

Kai tilts his head to the side, studying me closely with a raised eyebrow. "That's it? You're playing soccer for a Division One school and all you have to say is its been fine?"

I purse my lips. I'd been hoping Kai would let me get away with my vague response. I inhale a shaky breath, hesitating to elaborate.

"I guess I just miss home," I admit. "A lot . . . way more than I thought I would. And it sucks, because I can't focus on the present. All I think about is everything I'm missing out on."

Kai's expression softens somewhat. He extends a gentle hand to my side, squeezing my shoulder in a comforting manner. "I understand. It's a lot to get used to. But you know we're all proud of you, and we're still there for you. Even if we can't be physically."

I nod, though the action is difficult to complete. "I know I should be grateful for what I've accomplished. And I am. I swear I am. But . . . sometimes I feel like maybe I wasn't ready. That I rushed things. I don't know . . ."

Kai envelops me in a tight embrace. I take in the moment, breathing in the scent of familiarity and home. It takes all of the strength I hold within to not fall apart in his arms.

Placing a kiss atop my head, Kai murmurs, "I get what you're saying. But hey, let's focus on tomorrow, okay? You're going to have a great time, back home, with all of the people who love you most. Hadley's going to be stoked. It's going to be okay, I promise."

I nod, though I avert my gaze from Kai's eyes. I don't want him to see how hard I'm struggling to ward off tears. Kai has never broken a promise, but even I know this situation is out of his hands.

———
a/n: we're nearing the end y'all 😭😭😭😭