Secrets

36 | devon

Staring down at my phone screen as Hadley's image flashes before me, I feel the most at ease I have in days.

Hadley and I haven't been on great terms since our last argument, which I'm aware was completely my fault. We've hardly spoken in nearly a week, and just looking at her now has me realizing how much I've missed her. I'm warding off tears as I force a smile, hands shaking as I set my phone down.

"Hey," Hadley says. Her voice is gentle, though her tone is calculated. I sense that she's wary of talking to me–unsure of how I may react. I can't blame her for this, though the realization still breaks my heart.

"Hi," I reply in a rush of breath, aching to be able to talk to Hadley once again. "I've missed you . . ."

Hadley smiles. The gesture doesn't quite reach her eyes, and looks rather strained. Clearly, she's still upset with me. And I know she has every right to be.

"I am so sorry," I blurt. "I should have apologized sooner. I never should have treated you like that. I can't even believe I did. I am so sorry for the way I talked to you and the way I've been acting. For just hanging up on you like that. I am so, so sorry Hadley."

Hadley purses her lips as she digests my apology. She sits in thoughtful silence for a moment, merely staring me down through the camera on her phone. Her expression remains neutral, though there's a sadness gleaming all too brightly in her blue eyes that I can't ignore.

"Why didn't you reach out sooner?" Hadley questions. "Why barely speak to me for a week? That hurt, Devon."

Hadley's inquiry is valid. Treating her the way I did the last time we spoke on the phone was shitty enough, though barely keeping in contact with her since then only adds to the childish behavior I've been exhibiting.

"I don't know," I admit weakly. I suddenly find myself interested in looking at anything but Hadley, my gaze fixating on a bare spot on the wall across the room. "I guess I was just . . . ashamed? And embarrassed. I thought you might want some space, so I saw it best to leave you alone for a little while."

"If I wanted space, I would have told you so," Hadley points out gently, which is fair. "I've been feeling like you want nothing to do with me lately."

Hadley's revelation has my stomach twisting into knots. I love her so much–the last thing I want to do is make her feel as if she isn't important to me. However, I haven't been doing much recently to prove to her that she does.

"I promise you that isn't true." My voice breaks, giving away the fact that I am fighting back tears.

"Why haven't you told anyone about me?" Hadley finally brings up the subject we've both been dancing around. "Even if it wasn't intentional, feeling like you're keeping me some sort of secret really hurt, Dev. Is it because you don't feel comfortable being openly gay at school? Because if that's the case, I understand and I apologize for–"

"It's not that," I interrupt Hadley, shaking my head. She falls silent, patiently waiting for me to continue with my explanation. "I've actually met a lot of queer people here, and that's been really cool," I share with my girlfriend. "I don't think I've told you this yet, but my roommate is bi, so she totally understands everything, and she's incredibly supportive."

I don't know why I'd expected Hadley to have more of a reaction to this news, though she hardly bats an eyelash. I find her lack of enthusiasm almost odd, though I ignore this and speak on.

"The truth is–and I know it's really stupid–I hadn't told anyone about you because . . ." I exhale a rush of frustrated air, finding it difficult to put my feelings into words. "I haven't really talked about home much at all," I clarify. "Not you or my friends or my old team or anything. Not because I don't want to, but because everything about my life is so different now. And I miss home so fucking much. I miss you and our friends, and . . . I know it's stupid, but I've just been clinging to those memories so hard. I've been scared that if I talk about any of it, I'll have to admit to myself that everything I once had is in the past now. It's been really hard for me to accept the fact that everything has changed. Sometimes I feel like I made the wrong decision moving here."

It's hard for me to be vulnerable like this; I find it awkward to talk about my deepest fears aloud. I glance at Hadley to see how she is taking what I've said, finding that her expression has softened slightly.

"I get it," Hadley says after a moment of brief silence. "A lot has changed this last month, for both of us. But I don't want you to question for even a second if you made the right decision. At the end of the day, you have to do what's best for yourself, Devon. You're going to school and living out your life's dream. You have to make sacrifices in order to gain in life. But you can't focus on all of your losses, or else you'll miss out on all of the good you've accomplished."

Hadley's words are like a bitter pill I must swallow. I know she's right, yet it's hard for me to accept the truth. I know why I came to Stanford. Yet I still can't shake the feeling that I've somehow made the wrong decision in choosing to attend.

"Yeah," I finally manage to choke out. "You're right."

Hadley smiles, though I can tell there is something still off about her. She clears her throat, sighing before muttering, "Well, I should probably go. I have some homework to finish."

I try not to let my disappointment be revealed through my expression. Instead, I brave a smile of understanding and nod. "Okay. We'll talk soon then?"

"Yeah," Hadley agrees. She fidgets with her hair awkwardly. "Bye."

"Bye," I murmur in response. "I love–"

I don't get to finish my sentence before my screen goes blank, signaling that the call has ended.

———
a/n: hadley pulled a devon 😈