Secrets

48 | devon

The bleachers block most of my view, but I make no effort to move.

I know I shouldn't be here right now. But I couldn't stay away.

I study the field before me, one I've made so many memories on. I used to practically live right there on the grass my entire graduating class sits over now. Part of me feels dejected, watching my old peers talk amongst themselves. I was supposed to be there with them. Really with them–not like this, merely watching the scene from afar.

I hadn't planned to show up today. I've been in town, helping my mom pack all of our belongings into a U-Haul to take to Cali, but I've kept my visitation a secret. I figured it'd just be easier leaving things as they are, not having to deal with any awkward reunions.

But I remembered she'd be graduating today. And how important it was to her that I be here.

So here I am, standing on the sidelines, spying on my ex-girlfriend and old friends like some sort of creep. I've been here nearly an hour now, just observing from afar.

I'd almost approached Hadley when I saw her standing with my old friends. I had everything I wanted to say prepared in my head. I was even walking toward her direction, pulled by some invisible magnetic force.

But I had decided against doing so when I saw her–how happy she looked. Grinning. Blue eyes as bright as the clear sky above. Laughing with her friends. I knew what seeing me would do to her. Wipe her expression free of any joy. Leave her light dimmed. Bring back memories of heartbreak and tears.

I wanted to go up to her so badly. I just couldn't make myself do it.

Once again, I'm being selfish. I'm certain if she knew I was here, she would want to see me. But I want my last memory of her to be of that beautiful smile, seeing her radiant and glowing.

So I stand behind the bleachers, completely hidden from sight, and watch as the names of my friends are called off by my old principal one by one. I watch them all as they walk up to the stage as the sun beats down, beaming as they accept their diplomas. I stop breathing when Hadley takes the stage, pausing to take a picture as she shakes hands with the principal before taking the diploma in her hands with pride. I spot her searching the crowd, eyelids narrowed with deep concentration. For a moment, I wonder if she's looking for me. Then she waves to her mother, and I allow the hope to fade.

I permit myself to wonder just for a moment what life would have been like if I was up on that stage now. What decisions would I have made? What person would I have become?

Would I be happy–as happy as Hadley looks now?

It's a bitter pill to swallow, seeing her this way without being a part of her life any longer. But I know I did right. She has to pave her own way. Deserves the chance to make her own decisions.

I turn away from the bleachers as the crowd begins to disperse, my old classmates beginning to march down the field in a single-file line. I take one last long look at Hadley before she fades from sight, making sure the image of her now is forever tattooed in my memory.

As I walk down the yard toward my mother's car in the parking lot, I can't shake the feeling that this will not be the last time I see Hadley. Maybe she'd been right that day, when she told me she knew we weren't over.

I don't think I want us to be over.

———
a/n: the next chapter will be the epilogue 😢 also! i did an interview with @CoffeeCommunity here on wattpad if anyone wants to check it out!!