Secrets

18 | devon

"Okay," Mason says to grab the attention of the room as she bounds down the stairs, joining the rest of us in the kitchen the following morning, "I have completed our summer itinerary."

Kai snorts. "You're kidding."

Mason sticks her tongue out at him as she enters the room, brushing off his remark with poise. "It's going to be fun, so shush."

Clover rolls her eyes. "You're insane."

"Just hear me out, alright?" Mason defends herself with a huff, though she doesn't seem too annoyed. "I've planned everything out for the week. Today we'll go into town. I rented jet skis for tomorrow. Thursday we'll go see landmarks. Friday we'll raid the alcohol cabinet. Then hit the beach the rest of the weekend."

"Sounds fun, Mase," I say as I take a bite of bacon, offering my friend a supportive smile.

"See?" Mason mutters. "At least someone appreciates my planning skills."

"I never said–"

The sound of my phone ringing interrupts Kai mid-sentence. The room falls oddly silent as my friends watch me reach for my phone. As I read the screen and recognize the number calling as a recruiter from Stanford I've recently been in contact with, I struggle to keep my expression neutral. I rise from my seat next to Hadley and offer her a singular finger, the universal gesture for hold on.

"I have to take this," I explain. "I'll be right back."
I ignore the way Hadley frowns curiously as I exit the room, trying not to pay attention to the heat of her stare boring into my flesh following after me. I step into the next room over and accept the call, answering in a hushed voice.

"Hello?"

"Miss Parker?" the woman on the other line questions.

I swallow nervously. "This is she."

"Hi! I just wanted to let you know everything is all set up for you to start school in August! Your dorm application has been processed. Just a reminder that classes begin session the second week of August."
I absorb this information while my stomach twists into knots. So this is really happening then. I'm really going to Stanford–I'm really going to move.

I feel ill.

I thank the woman on the other line and quietly express my gratitude before hanging up. I run a hand through my hair as I stand still, trying to wrap my head around the fact that I now have two weeks left with my friends–just two more weeks with Hadley.

And I have yet to tell her that I'm leaving.

Shit.

It dawns on me that I've been lingering for far too long now, and my friends are no doubt wondering what's taking me so long. I go to re-enter the living room, though something leaves me hesitating by the doorway, stopping me from moving forward.

I peek around the far wall, studying my friends while they are oblivious to my peering eyes. Kai and Mason chat amongst themselves, Clover and Hadley standing closest to me with their backs facing the wall I hide behind.

"You saw that too, right?" I overhear Clover whispering to Hadley. I'm certain she's referring to the phone call I just ended and the way I abruptly left the room with no explanation.

Hadley nods and bites down on her lip. Her expression is torn, leaving me to feel stricken with guilt. I hate keeping secrets from her. I'm unsure of how much longer I can keep doing so.

I wander back into the room before another word can be shared between my girlfriend and Clover. Hadley studies me intently upon spotting me, raising an eyebrow in question once she's caught my gaze.

I brush off the gesture as if I didn't notice, forcing a smile. "So, what was on your list again, Mase?" I ask to avoid any further conversation about the mysterious phone call I just accepted.

Hadley hangs her head, confliction overtaking her pretty features.

With a heart full of shame, I once again pretend not to notice.

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

I clasp Hadley's hand tightly in my own as we wander the boardwalk, window-shopping as we pass by the local stores surrounding us. We lost the rest of our friends at some point during this outing, though Hadley and I make no effort to go find them. It's nice, having a few moments alone with her. I want to enjoy all of the time I can with her while she's still oblivious to my secrets–I want to share in her clueless happiness before I steal it from her.

"What was going on earlier?" Hadley asks as we come to a stop by the pier railing, gazing down at the ocean below us.

I don't take my eyes off of the water as I feign innocence. "When?"

"This morning," Hadley reminds me. "Who, um, called you?"

I hesitate to answer her inquiry. I face an internal battle, struggling to decide on what to tell her. Just tell her now, my conscience scolds me. Stop trying to shield her from the truth and tell. her.

"Oh, that was nothing," I mumble, ignoring my better judgment. "Just my mom checking up on me."

Hadley bites down on her lip as she nods. I can tell that she doesn't entirely buy my explanation. I don't give her the chance to ask any further questions.

"I'm really glad I decided to come on this trip," I murmur to distract her from the previous topic. I study Hadley's expression closely as she furrows her eyebrows.

"What do you mean?"

I shrug. "I don't know . . . I wasn't sure I should take so much time off from soccer. But I'm glad I did. This has been fun, and I needed this time with you."

There's a ring of truth to my words despite the fact that I am blatantly lying. I do need this time with Hadley, because I know I soon won't be able to spend any time with her at all.

Hadley exhales a breezy laugh. "I'm glad you came, too. But we have all the time in the world to spend together, Dev. I mean, we still have the rest of summer. Then senior year. This is going to be our year. I just know it."

My throat constricts as my eyes begin to sting with an onslaught of tears I struggle to contain. It kills me–how utterly oblivious she is. The more Hadley talks about how excited she is for our senior year together, the harder I find it to work up the courage to tell her that I'll be leaving. I don't want to crush her dreams and hopes whilst knowing I'm taking them to chase after my own.

I've never felt so selfish before.

Absentmindedly, I nod as if I agree with what Hadley has just said, though I don't offer a response. I stand in silence, thinking over everything I'm hiding all too heavily. Facing Hadley, I try my best to wipe my expression clean of any semblance of trouble.

"You make me so happy," I whisper to Hadley. It's the most honest thing I've said to her throughout this entire conversation. "You know that?"

Hadley's gaze softens as her cheeks tinge pink. "It's only fair. You make me happy."

I'm about to do the opposite, I think to myself sadly. I'm going to break your heart and you have no idea.

I hate myself.

"I mean it," I choke out. "I have no idea what I did to deserve you. I don't–I don't want to lose you, Hadley."

I don't want her to break up with me because I have to leave. I try to cling onto hope that she'll be okay with dating me long-distance. I have to, or else I'll lose it. And I can't manage to lose it–not when I've worked so hard to make it to where I am now.

Hadley eyes me curiously. I can't stop my gaze from skitting away, managing to look at anything but her.

"Why would you?" Hadley questions softly. "Lose me, I mean?"

"I–" I begin to speak, though quickly fall silent, realizing I have no idea what to say when I can't explain the real reasoning behind the words. I bite down on my lip. Meeting her stare, I shake my head sheepishly and retort, "I don't know. I just wanted you to know that."

Hadley's eyebrows furrow once again as she studies me carefully. She seems to be searching for some answer to all of her unasked questions in my expression–though I know she comes up empty-handed. I flash a quick smile that I'm certain appears much too forced to seem passive.

Hadley returns the gesture, though it's just as obvious that she is faking as well as I am. She's pretending not to notice my strange behavior and avoidant answers. I'm sure the not knowing what's been up with me lately is killing her, and that in itself is killing me.

I clear my throat, trying to move past the tension forming around us. I extend my hand to Hadley and suggest we try to find our friends. She accepts my hand and agrees, and then the two of us begin wandering the beach in search of the three stooges.

———
a/n: i fed a goat today 🐐