Secrets

35 | hadley

Homecoming is just around the corner, which is something I had been looking forward to since the beginning of summer.

I'd had so many plans for my senior year, and it's only now that Devon isn't here that I realize they had all centered around her. It was tough for us as a couple during junior year, when I had first started dating Devon. At the time, I hadn't been out to anyone. I'd just undergone conversion therapy and I was terrified to admit even to myself who I truly was and what I really wanted. When I met Devon, I had to miss out on so many little things because I was so concerned with keeping our budding relationship a secret.

I'd told myself that I was going to do everything I had missed out on last year and that I was going to proudly be out with Devon. We were supposed to have the perfect year together, and get to do all the things I'd been too scared to do with her last year. I had pictured sitting on the sidelines during all of her soccer games, loudly cheering my girlfriend on while decked out in gear to support her. We would have the best homecoming and prom, dancing together all night as we made special memories. Devon was supposed to graduate by my side, and then we would plan out our futures together cohesively.

Instead, all of those hopes and dreams had been taken from me in the blink of an eye. Despite the time it had taken me to plan all of these moments, they were stolen in a fraction of a second. One decision changed the entire course of my future, and that made me face a harsh reality. I can't count on Devon to want the same things out of life that I do. I have to come to terms with the fact that maybe she doesn't want all of the things I do. To her, there are more important things in life than silly high school dances and soccer games.

It's not that I resent Devon for her decision to attend Stanford–I'm beyond proud of her. I want her to build a name for herself and I want her to make her wildest dreams come true.

I suppose it's just hard to realize that Devon has bigger goals in life, and my goal . . . well, it had been her. She'd been my entire future. Everything I wanted. And now she's gone and I'm not sure what I want. I don't know how to exist on my own. Not when all of my hopes and dreams had included Devon.

I sigh as I reach for my phone, noticing a missed call from the very girl I've been thinking so hard about. I hesitate, wondering if I should call back or not. Devon and I haven't really been on speaking terms for a while now–not after the argument we'd had when I learned she'd been keeping our relationship some sort of secret. Finding that out had hurt worse than I'd like to admit. Devon hasn't told any of her new friends about me, yet she's all I fucking talk about.

Sometimes I wonder if maybe I'm not enough for her.

I push the thought to the back of my mind as I unlock my phone, prepared to return Devon's missed call. Just as I'm about to dial her number, my phone vibrates with another incoming call. I'm expecting it to be Devon, so I'm shocked when I check the caller ID and find that I'm wrong.