Secrets

4 | devon

"Devon, this is amazing!" Kai exclaims. Excitement is written all over his face. His genuine display of happiness for my achievement only makes me feel worse.

"I know," I groan, belly-flopping onto my bed as I bury my face in a pillow. "It sucks."

"What sucks?" Kai scoffs. The mattress dips as he takes a seat next to me. "You've talked about going to Stanford since we were kids. You've worked for this practically since you took your first steps."

I manage to pull myself up to a sitting position, though it takes more effort than it should to do so. I hide my face once again behind my hands as I mutter, "It sucks because I know I have to go."

"Well, no shit," Kai snorts. "Why wouldn't you go? This is your dream, Dev."

I glance up at Kai, revealing to him my red-rimmed eyes and splotchy cheeks. I didn't know having your dreams come true could turn your life into such a nightmare.

"I'm going to leave," I croak out, voice hoarse. "I'm going to miss everything. I have to give up my team, graduating with you guys, Hadley . .  ." I can't finish my sentence. My bottom lip begins to tremble, hinting at tears I'm desperately trying to hold back.

Kai is silent. His expression turns crestfallen, as if he has been suddenly hit with a heavy realization.

"Oh," he mumbles. "Yeah."

Kai has been my best friend for years. He's included in some of my earliest memories. I don't think there's ever been a time where he hasn't existed in my life, in all honesty. I never imagined a life without Kai by my side–we planned our futures to a T when we were kids, and they have always coincided. We were supposed to have senior year together, graduate side by side, attend Stanford at the same time.

My heart hurts upon understanding that to live out my dream is to take the dreams we once shared together away from my best friend.

"You have to go, Dev," Kai admits quietly. "Things like this are fleeting. Don't let anything hold you back from the success you deserve."

"You're the only person I've told," I blurt. "So do you think we can keep this between the two of us for a little while?"

Kai's eyebrows wrinkle. He tilts his head as he studies me curiously. "You can't seriously think you're going to keep this a secret."

I can't hold his stare, so I focus my gaze on the ground. I shrug meekly.

"Devon," Kai chides. "Mason and Clover are going to be pissed when they find out if you don't tell them. And what about Hadley? You have to tell Hadley, Dev. She'll be heartbroken if you keep this from her . . ."

I bite down on my bottom lip hard. Tears prick my vision, burning like hell.

"That's why I'm not telling her," I mutter. "I don't want to hurt her. We've only been together for a few months, and she's so excited for our senior year together. . . I don't want to take that from her."

Kai's disappointment is silent, though somehow loud enough to be expressed without a single word.

"That's not fair and you know it, Devon," he retorts. "Don't get me wrong, I'm so fucking proud of you. And all of us will be, when you tell our friends. Especially Hadley. She's going to be so happy for you."

"But what if she's not?" I bite, risking a glance at Kai. "What if she can't handle it and that's it? What if I lose her over this?"

"Then that's her decision to make!" Kai argues. His eyes dance like a flame. Anger is much like fire, I realize. It starts off small, before becoming all-consuming, like a match gone haywire.

"Look," I stammer, "I'll tell her. Just . . . not yet. I need more time to think about . . . everything."

Kai rises from his spot next to me, shaking his head. "I want you to go to Stanford, and I want you to be the best damn player on their team. And I know you will be. But I hope you also know that you're being really fucking selfish."

I don't respond. Kai seems to take my silence as a cue to leave. He gathers his things before muttering a goodbye, leaving me to my own devices.

I fall back onto my mattress, releasing a scream into my pillow before tears of frustration begin to stain my cheeks.

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a/n: i am SO tired omg