Secrets

42 | devon

I ignore Hadley's calls the following day.

She's persistent. If she's not calling, she's texting. Using every form of social media to reach me. She has our friends doing the same, though I ignore them as well. It hurts like hell, but I know I've made the right decision. I can't keep putting Hadley through this. I'm just not meant for long distance. It brings out the worst in me, and that's not what Hadley deserves. After all, the last three months between us have been hell. I can't even fathom trying to keep our relationship afloat for another year–not when all the two of us seem to be doing lately is hurting one another, time and time again.

Furthermore, Hadley deserves a life of her own. I don't think it ever hit me, how much she relies on me. Not until she mentioned applying to Stanford last night. The first time she had mentioned the subject in passing, I'd thought I'd been clear enough to rid the thought from her mind. What does Stanford have to offer Hadley? It's across the country, far away from her home, family, friends, all she's known. How could I in good conscience allow her to up and move here, just to chase after me? I can't let her do that. She deserves a life of her own, dreams of her own, goals of her own. More than just following my lead.

I think a part of me will always regret this decision–to end things between Hadley and I, once and for all. In all honesty, I don't think the full weight of what I've done has entirely hit me yet. It doesn't feel real; I can't wrap my head around the fact that I have willingly chosen to let Hadley go.

I'm fighting back tears as I toss my belongings into my suitcase, knowing I have a flight to catch in a matter of hours. Letting Hadley go will probably be the biggest mistake I'll ever make. I don't know that I'll ever meet anyone as perfect as her. She loved me unconditionally, always. She's the kind of person to invite her ex to homecoming because she feels bad, for Christ's sake. She's gentle. Patient. Loving. Kind. Beautiful.

Fuck.

I halt my movements as pain stabs at my body from the inside out, begging for release. I've always been one to shove my emotions down, to bottle them up, keep them under lock and key.

Now I feel like I'm going to explode.

I'm crying to myself when my mom enters the room, knocking softly before wandering in. She surveys me with a frown, sadness etched onto her face, worry lining every crease. I told her everything upon returning home last night. Who else was I supposed to go to?

"Devon," Mom says gently as she takes my side. "Honey, I don't know if I can let you leave like this."

I suck in a breath, wiping away my tears roughly. "I'm fine," I grumble. "These are all my decisions."

"As your mother, I'm not certain you've made the right ones."

"What other option is there, Mom?" I argue. "Besides, what's done is done. Hadley probably never wants to see me again."