if we were meant to be (billieeilishxtatemcrae)

nineteen

billies pov

do you know how hard it is to watch the person you love be with someone else. having to see it every single day. i know it's all partly my fault, i fucked her around, played with her feelings. told her i love her one second and then i was in bed with a random dude the next. i know, that's completely my fault.

but that doesn't change the fact that i know what i want. since i broke up with brandon, after i found out she was engaged to dan. i haven't even looked at another person. the thought of other people disgust me. i've never wanted someone so badly and it fucking hurts.

she's lay in my arms right now, head on my chest, fast asleep outside. it's completely pitch black outside now but i don't want to move. i can't shake the feeling that i know she isn't mine. i know later she's just gonna leave me and be back with dan again. the fact that he has an engagement ring somewhere, waiting for his moment to ask her again just makes me feel sick.

i listen to her little breaths as she sleeps, her arm gently placed over my stomach. "i love you tate" i whisper, knowing that she isn't listening but it feels good just to say it.

"guys its getting late, you should get to bed" my mom says, coming outside. tate stirs in my arms and her eyes flutter open, she looks around in confusion before sitting up. she stands up and gives me a tired smile, lazily walking inside.

i sigh and grab my hoodie off the floor and head straight to my room, collapsing down onto my bed and staring at the ceiling. i put something on the tv trying to distract myself, but if i'm honest it's not really working.

i get out of my bed and leave my room, walking past tate and dans, hearing them quite clearly fucking. i furrow my eye brows and run both my hands through my hair, walking into the quiet kitchen, turning on one of the lamps and sitting on the counter.

i spend a good half an hour just staring at the floor, not moving once. "hey" i hear, making my eyes shoot up. tate stood there in her hoodie and underwear. "hey" i reply quietly.

"what are you doing up?" she asks, walking to the fridge and grabbing a bottle of water. "cant sleep" i say, leaning my head back against the cupboard behind me. "same" she says. i look away from her and stare at the rings on my hands.

i jump down onto the floor and turn around resting my elbows on the counter, my head in my hands. "what's wrong" she says, now stood directly behind me. i shake my head no, not wanting to answer.

"billie" she says, putting her hands on my shoulders and spinning me around to look at her. "you should go back to bed" i say, not wanting to have this conversation with her. she sighs and shakes her head, unexpectedly wrapping her arms around my waist and burying her head in my chest.

i hold onto her tightly, my head placed in her neck. "can i come in your bed" she says. "no, i don't want you to regret it in the morning, you wanted to avoid me remember" i say into her neck.

she lets go of me and rolls her eyes, pulling me by my hand to my room, shutting the door behind us. she takes off her hoodie having a tank top underneath, the sight of her making my heart pound. "tate, i don't want him to be mad at you" i say and she shakes her head and climbs into my bed.

she looks at me and pats the space next to her, i guess i can't really say no. i take my hoodie off having a small top underneath, getting into the bed next to her. "i don't really understand you, one minute you say you want me and the next your telling me to go back to him" she says to me.
you know what she's right, i want her back so i will get her back.

i perch myself over her, a smirk on my face. she smiles, "hey don't push it, me sleeping in your bed is enough" she says, making me laugh. i lean down and pepper kisses all over her face before half lying on top of her, my face in her neck.

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