Big Shepherd, Little Shepherd

XLVIII

CARINA'S POV

It's been three weeks since I last had a conversation with y/n. That's when Isabella burst in and yelled at me. I understand why she's upset and why y/n didn't wait for me. I didn't make it clear I was coming back at some point. I shouldn't have left.

- Arizona : Good morning

- Carina : Good morning

- Arizona : Y/n's back today

- Carina : Full time

- Arizona : Yeah. Her and Isabella went to New York to visit Y/n's Mom and sisters

- Carina : Multiple?

- Arizona : Yeah. Y/n wanted to see if she could reconcile with her sisters

- Carina : Oh. How did that go?

- Arizona : Not sure. All we know is she's due back today and she's coming straight here

Y/n told me she didn't want to reconnect with her other sisters. Like Kathleen and what's her face. The other one. She's okay with Lizzie and Amelia, obviously, but the other two she didn't want to talk to again.

- Amelia : I missed you. How's mom and Lizzie?

- y/n : Good

- Amelia : How are you? How were Kathleen and Nancy?

- y/n : Let's just say I'm not seeing them again

- Isabella : Auntie Ameliaaa

- Amelia : How was is Bells?

- Isabella : Mom yelled at Nancy and Kathleen and Auntie Lizzie said she'd never seen mom lose her shit like that

- y/n : Language. You're still a kid

I don't want to intrude on y/n's life so I'm just going to leave it. Off to the cafeteria I go.

- Isabella : Hello?

- Carina : Oh erm hi?

- Isabella : I'm sorry I yelled at you

- Carina : It's okay. I understand where you are coming from. I'd be angry too

- Isabella : I should get back to my mom

- Carina : How's she doing?

- Isabella : I think she's tired. When we were in New York she yelled at Nancy and Kathleen and had been trying to make it up to me since. I'm going to stay with Auntie Amelia for a few days while mom sorts herself out

- Carina : Okay well if you need someone to talk to then I'm here

- Isabella : Thank you

We spoke. Like we actually had a conversation. Isabella doesn't entirely hate me.

YOUR POV

I'm so fucking tired. I yelled at my sisters in front of Isabella. She's never seen me yell unless it was to keep her safe. It's just not my style of parenting.

Caitlyn ❤️

Caitlyn ❤️
Heyyy. I hope your
flight was okay. Let
me know when you're
home and I'll be
over. I have presents
for Bells xx

Y/n
Bells is staying with my
sister for a couple of
days and I'm taking
some time for me x

Caitlyn ❤️
Are you okay? xx

Y/n
No but I will be. Thank
you for worrying x

Caitlyn ❤️
You know where I am if
you need me xx

I definitely can't tell Caitlyn about what I will probably do tonight purely because she'll break up with me. She ran when she found out I was an addict, how will she take it in I smoke one joint, probably not well you know. It's okay though, I won't get addict this time. It's one joint to relive some stress.

- Carina : Y/n? Your front door is open

- y/n : Kitchen

- Carina : Are you okay?

- y/n : Mhm

- Carina : What's wrong?

- y/n : Is it wrong for me to smoke weed?

- Carina : Y/n.

- y/n : Yeah?

- Carina : Pass it here

- y/n : It won't hurt

It will hurt. Maybe it won't hurt now but it'll hurt tomorrow when I want another one and it'll hurt everyone else. I can't let Bells see me like that but it's all I want. Like I don't regret getting clean at all, I'm doing great. It's just sometimes I'm not doing great and those patches get really low.

- Carina : Y/n?

- y/n : Please leave

- Carina : Just give it to me y/n

- y/n : Carina leave. I don't need you here

- Carina : But you do.Look at yourself. You're exhausted and you're falling apart. You don't need to hold it together in front of me. It's okay to need help, what's not okay is you screwing your life up. Your daughter needs you

- y/n : Don't get me wrong, I love Isabella with my whole life, but I wasn't cut out to be a mom. I wouldn't take it back but I just need help. I want her to have this perfect life where she doesn't turn out like me, doing drugs at like 12 years old because my dad is dead but everything I do seems like it might be pushing her that way

- Carina : I'm here now. I know I wasn't here but I am now. I can help. I can take her some nights after school

- y/n : I don't want to smoke this. I don't want to do drugs but it's the only thing I know how to do.It's funny how I went years raising Isabella and it was fine but one visit with Nancy and Kathleen and all of a sudden I start to doubt everything I do.

There were always doubts in my mind about whether I was doing an okay job but no one had ever said I was, until I saw my sisters. They picked up on everything. Things that weren't even true but I somehow believed. They said I'm just raising Isabella to have a drug habit. I can't blame my issues on anyone else but I won't let what they said affect how my daughter sees me. That's why I yelled at them because I won't let my daughter turn out like me and they think I'm that careless.

Authors Note
I wrote this when I had
a fever so if it doesn't
make sense blame that.
Have a drink and snack
please