Dawn in Vancouver

Chapter 25: "I don't want to"

"I can't stop these silent tears from rolling down. You and I both have to hide on the outside. Where I can't be yours and you can't be mine"

                                                                                         Excerpt written by Lauren Jauregui

LAUREN'S POV

It had been exactly two hours since Ryan had arrived at the house. Two hours in which I had felt practically on another planet as he narrated his story of how they had "survived" the snowfall in the middle of nowhere. As I sat on the bed totally lost in thought as I watched him unpack.

My eyes saw him for a moment and I felt like the worst of women because for a moment my hands could feel Camila's soft touch and my mind began to compare them without me being able to help it. The pain was great knowing that this man adored and loved me, and I had been unfaithful to him the night before with his "friend's" wife. Where not only, I did not regret it, but I had spent the best night of my life in her arms.

A night that even with him I had never experienced. Our sex was good. But the night before, with Camila, had been simply a revelation. It was as if my own destiny had marked that night and gave me to understand that I had not fully lived up to that moment. My mother used to mention a phrase from one of her favorite authors, Paulo Coelho.

"If you only walk on sunny days; you will never reach your destiny."- Paulo Coelho

She had always believed that I could achieve whatever I set my mind to if I was not afraid to take risks and fight for what really motivated me and made me dream. She told me that I had to take risks in order to achieve what many, because of cowardice, could not achieve: to be happy.

The night before in Camila's arms had been like starting to live and start taking a risk for once in what I believed was right. My life had looked more radiant, my heart had felt more excited. My night with her was something I could never forget. And it hurt. As it hurt knowing I was in bed, watching my husband unpack with a smile and my mind was in another room where Jason would surely be with Camila. My eyes closed and the pain came quickly as I imagined them together. I didn't want to imagine that he could be kissing her or making love to her after my hands had caressed her, my lips had kissed her. That her hands would have roamed my body in an almost reverential way. That her lips had taken me to heaven so many times the night before. I didn't want him to touch her, just thinking about it made my body bristle with horror. She was my Camz, just my Camz. And the thought of that while my husband was with me scared me, terrified me and literally made me feel like shit.

OMNISCIENT NARRATOR:

"Did you and Camila have a good time?" -Ryan asked putting the suitcase away in the bedroom closet, he got no answer, and saw that his wife's gaze was lost. "Lauren?" -He came closer for a moment and sat down on the foot of the bed, making Lauren come out of her trance.

"What?" -Lauren said quickly, looking into Ryan's confused green eyes. He placed an affectionate hand on her leg and she simply turned her gaze to that spot where he was touching her and took a deep breath.

"I asked you if you and Camila had had a nice time," Ryan looked into her eyes, "If you had gotten to know her a little better."

Lauren looked away from his eyes and nodded as her heart skipped a beat. Get to know her a little better? Lauren sighed at the irony. She had practically given her soul to her the night before.

"Yes-" was all she said and Ryan began to stroke Lauren's leg slowly.

"What's wrong?" -he said softly.