Dawn in Vancouver

Chapter 29: "Pain"

We keep behind closed doors. Every time I see you, I die a little more. Stolen moments that we steal as the curtain falls. It'll never be enough"

Fragment written by Lauren Jauregui

Lauren took a deep breath as she sat down at the table accompanied by the smell of the delicious pasta Ryan had prepared and the glass of wine. Her smile faltered a little as she saw how hard he was trying to please her. He sat down next to her and took her hand and kissed it and Lauren tried to smile.

"Everything looks delicious," Lauren said politely, "Thank you so much for making dinner."

"You know it's something I enjoy doing, especially if it's for you," Lauren smiled hesitantly and took a sip of her wine glass. "The only bad thing about having Camila and Jason here is that we hardly get to spend time alone like we did last year."

"Normani and Dinah are about to join," Lauren whispered softly. Ryan nodded pouring a nice portion of pasta on his plate and passing it to her.

"I know you planned a big Christmas party with your team and I think it's great that they're coming. The truth is, I'm glad you can spend a few days here and relax from all this touring and albums. I know you enjoy it but you also get very tired of touring and traveling."

"But it's something I really enjoy," she said, looking at the pasta and sipping some wine, "It's always been my dream and everything I do, I do it because I love music and I owe it all to my fans."

"I know how dedicated you are," Ryan said, taking Lauren's hand where her wedding and engagement rings rested. "But we're here now and I'd like you to forget about everything and enjoy this moment together. I've missed you so much, Lauren."

Lauren sighed and lowered her gaze for a moment not quite knowing what to say.

"I've been here all the time, Ryan," Lauren said softly.

"Lauren...let's be honest," he looked into her eyes, "You've been very distant these last few days and yesterday while we were together I saw your tears....."

"There was nothing wrong with me" -Lauren sighed. "We were making love and it worked."

"But when I asked you why you were crying you ignored me and told me to go on," Ryan said. "I felt really bad, Lauren. I want you to tell me what's wrong...Is it a relapse? Have you felt like getting high again?"

"No!" Lauren said quickly, "It has nothing to do with that Ryan. It's just that I've been remembering things and I've been a little sensitive. I've been trying to remember to..." -she was silent for a moment thinking very carefully about the words she was going to say- ",...to create new music."

"To create new music? That's why you hardly talk to me and shut me out when I try to get close to you."

"I just need creative space," Lauren said softly as she ate dinner. "It's not a bad thing once in a while for each of us to have time to be able to live with our own selves."

"But all your time is spent with Camila, and not alone" -Lauren looked him in the eye and Ryan sighed apologetically. "Maybe I'm a little jealous of the relationship you've managed to form with her" -Lauren looked down at her plate, filling her plate with pasta so as not to look Ryan in the eye-. "I understand that when a friendship begins it takes time to get to know each other and honestly I'm very happy that your relationship has grown so strong that it's become a solid friendship. Camila needs it and possibly you do too."

"Then I don't understand what you're complaining about," Lauren said softly. "Camila and I have a lot in common and we like working together. We both understand the space because we are artists. She writes and I do my music and she has even helped me with some lyrics."