Shadows of the Past

Part 20

(LOKI POV)
You sit on the couch with your arms around Y/N, watching more of Forged in Fire.  She was right, it was a fantastic show.  She never once made you feel silly for being so excited about it.  Every time you told her a random fact or story you thought was interesting about one of the weapons they were making, she paused the show and listened intently.  She genuinely seemed interesting in what you had to say and that was something you weren’t used to.  At one point she just absent mindedly kissed the back of your hand that you had wrapped around her and you could have stayed like that forever. 

A few episodes later you could feel her leaning more against you and you realized she was falling asleep.  You nudged her slightly and she mumbles, “I’m awake.”

You laugh at how cute she looks, half asleep.  “Do you want to sleep here again darling?” you ask her.

She nods with her eyes closed. “Haha ok, come on,” you slowly stand up, she sits up and opens her eyes, looking up at you.  You offer her your hand, “Do you want to get more comfortable?” you ask her.

She’s wearing jeans and a t-shirt but you’ve never found jeans very comfortable yourself, especially not for sleeping.  Last night she had fallen asleep fully dressed but she hadn’t meant to stay the night.

You notice she looks more awake now and a bit more distant but you have no idea why.  She keeps her eyes down and fidgets with her hands.  “Y/N?” you say, sitting back down next to her.

“It’s nothing, I can just sleep like this,” she says getting up quickly but you grab her wrist gently and pull her back.

“Y/N, did I say something?” you ask concerned.  You have no idea what triggered the sudden change in her.

“Don’t worry about it, I can just sleep in my room,” she doesn’t look at you but you can see she is on the verge of tears.

You put your hand on her cheek and move closer to her, “Darling, please look at me.  You can sleep wherever you want tonight but you can’t leave until you tell me what’s going on.  If you want me to tell you everything, you have to do the same ok?”

She nods but still seems so far away.  You notice she is slowly rubbing small circles over her knee, but she doesn’t seem to realize she is doing it. “Y/N, is your leg bothering you?” you ask, trying to guess what the issue is. 

She finally looks at you and slowly says, “I-I don’t want you to see it.  I always sleep in shorts...” 

You look at her not sure what she means and then suddenly it hits you.  She’s talking about the scars on her leg from her injury and surgeries. You feel the weight of your guilt quickly come flooding back and it hits you hard.  The memory of your hand wrapped tightly around her throat and then tossing her so effortlessly as if she was a ragdoll starts to push its way to the front of your mind.  You let go of her slowly and move further away from her on the couch without thinking. 

The two of you sit in silence, you aren’t sure for how long.  She finally breaks the silence, “Loki?”

You look up, “Hmm?” you ask her lost in thought. Your mind replaying the image of you hurting her over and over.

“Should I go?” she asks you, you see a tear run down her cheek and you wipe it away with your thumb.  “I didn’t mean to ruin everything, I just-”

“I want you to stay,” you say quickly, worried that she wouldn’t come back if she left.  “I’m not sure if I can ever tell you I’m sorry enough Y/N...” you tell her when she slides a little closer to you again.

“I wasn’t trying to make you feel guilty again Loki,” she says, “I just don’t feel comfortable with anyone seeing my scars.  They are... they look awful.”