Shadows of the Past

Part 57

(Y/N POV)
You and Loki step into the elevator and as soon as the doors close you put your arms around his waist, look up at him and ask, “Do I really need to do this today?”

He looks down at you, one arm around you while he strokes your cheek, “No, if you don’t think you are ready, I can tell them to reschedule.”  

You closed your eyes and put your head on his chest while you think about his suggestion. A small voice inside you tells you to turn around and go back to your room where it is safe but you don’t want to listen to that voice anymore. You knew your fear was irrational, you had been to his lab dozens of times, but that didn’t make it any less real. 

The worst part of the fear, was the panic attacks that would threaten to swallow you without any warning. You had experienced panic attacks before, but it was nothing like these.   You would feel as if your heart was pounding out of your chest and your thoughts would begin to spiral at a dizzying speed. As the panic attack would progress, you would start to feel yourself dissociating from the outside world. It was almost as if you weren’t in the same space as your body and this altered sense of reality was terrifying. 

Fortunately for you and unfortunately for Loki, he had endured more than a few panic attacks in his youth as a result of Odin’s treatment of him. Loki told you how his mother had taught him several ways to manage and work through them. He would sit with you on the bed or the floor and help you work through various techniques until you found one that worked best for you. 

As the elevator comes to a stop, he asks, “Do you need to go back to our room?”

You shake your head, look up at him again and give him a half smile, “I’ll do it today.”

“Are you sure?” he asks.

You nod again, “Yes.” 

You let go of his waist and he takes your hand as you enter the hallway. Walking slowly with his fingers intertwined with yours, you quietly ask, “Promise you’ll stay with me?”

He stops walking and lifts your chin so you are looking him in the eyes, “Of course I will Y/N. I would like to see Banner try to make me leave.” He smirks and you giggle, remembering how Loki still made Bruce uncomfortable. He leans down and kisses you, when he pulls back he says, “I love you, Y/N. I know you can do this.”

“I love you too, Loki,” you smile back at him. 

As you two begin walking again, you think about how lucky you are to have Loki by your side. He had done so much over the last three weeks to help you heal, making you feel safe and loved. Last night, you laid on your side with Loki’s arms wrapped tightly around you, his legs tangled in yours. You closed your eyes and listened to his slow, steady breathing for almost half an hour when he whispered ‘I love you, Y/N’ in his sleep. You smiled to yourself and decided you should do something for Loki, to show him how much you loved him and to thank him for everything he had done for you. You knew exactly what you wanted to do for him, but you would need help from someone else. 

Your steady strides begin to slow when the door to the lab comes into view and Loki squeezes your hand gently. He slows his pace to match yours but he doesn’t let you stop walking. When you are almost to the door, it swings open and you are met by Thor.

“Y/N, I’ve missed you. How are you feeling?” he asks sounding concerned. 

“I missed you too, I’m sorry I haven’t been around... I’m ok though, I promise,” you reply with a forced smile, trying to ignore the growing feeling of dread as you stand outside the lab. He nods at your response but doesn’t look like he believes you. You give him a hug and he hugs you back tightly, “I won’t lie, I still have bad moments but they are less frequent. I feel more and more like myself everyday.”