Poems and Thoughts (Book 2) {HIATUS}

Why cant I move on?

I don't know how I am to be honest. I really just feel empty. Like there is a pit in the middle of my stomach that's growing deeper by the moment, and I don't know how to stop it. I don't know how to deal with the emptiness anymore.

I feel like there is a hand in my chest. Its constantly squeezing my hard to the breaking point, and I cant make it stop. I scream, I cry, I repeat, but still nothing.

I'm so done with people coming to me when they are having trouble, because honestly.... I don't know how to help people. I don't know how to make everything okay for somebody else. And when people say I help when I talk to them, I'm just pulling this stuff out of my ass that I say to help people. I don't know how to be okay. I just want to stay in the comfort of nothingness..

I keep telling myself that because I'm laughing and having a good time that I'm getting better. I'm not. Its always in the back of my mind ready to resurface the second that I get away. The second I am alone.

My friends always ask if I'm okay at school and I say yes. I never realize I look sad. Or upset. I just don't know how any of this happened.

Was it the boy who broke up with me in sixth grade? He's gone, I just need to move on.

Was it my best friend moving away? She's still in my life, there isn't a reason to be upset.

Was it the fear of failing? Look at reality, I'm always going to fail.

Was it the constant supply of arguments with friends? I argue all the time, why would this one person make a difference?

Was it the fall of me and my best guy friend? He's a dick, but I still like him. He isn't that much of a dick, I just cant get over what he did.

Was it me? Am I the reason I am who I am? Am I the reason I have dread in my heart and a hole in my soul? What did I do? What happened to me? Was a God's mistake? Was I the one angel who didn't want to leave home? Was I the angel who promised to come back soon? Am I the person made for nothing at all? Am I just a waste of space?

The saddest part is that I cant imagine living without anyone who made me who I am. Its a shame that a perfectly good girl grew up too fast, and she lost her soul on the way. Its a shame that she'll never be the same. Just move on. I need to move on. Why cant I move on?