Poems and Thoughts (Book 2) {HIATUS}

Smart girls are over thinkers

Smart girls are the over thinkers. We over think so we dont get hurt. I stay up all night sometimes just trying to figure out all of my problems. I say im tired everyday because im staying up all night going through every possibility that could make my problems worse or trying to figure them out. I tell you i stay up until 4 in the morning because i can; but really, i stay up so late because my mind is a whirlwind of thoughts that make my head scream in agonizing pain. Its all of my pain coming at me all at once like a tsunami that keeps growing and crashing into me. I just refuse to get knocked down because im so..... stubborn. I just keep getting hit until im drowning and i keep it all locked up inside the oozing, shattered thing i call my heart. People always tell me that i have a heart made of gold, but my heart is made of glass. And it breaks so easily. Then i hurt myself picking up the tiny, microscopic pieces that were scattered everywhere. Then i tape them all back together only to have someone come over and break it all over again. It takes longer and longer to pick up the pieces everytime. And my problem? I dont let anyone in enough to help me fix it. I have a heart the size of the universe, but its so locked away i have to hide a good portion of it. I have to hide my feelings because im strong and nobody is aloud to see. I have cement blocks, bricks, barbed wire, a security system, a fence, and a body of water around my heart. Not even my best friend knows how much pain im really in right now. Well im here to tell you, im not okay. I have melt downs way too often, i pick at my skin just hoping that i can tear myself out of my skin and be someone else. I still cut..... not often but i do..... i did tonight..... i was just so..... numb. Nothing felt right and i felt like everyone was talking to me from a thousand miles away. My heart feels like lead and im not so strong anymore. Ive been hurt so many times and sometimes i really just want someone i can feel like im not annoying them to talk to about myself and get some advice. My relationships are built entirly on trust and i need to trust myself as much as i need to trust you. And right now, my confidence has never been so low. Im so scared im going to mess up on everything at any given moment and im just so nervous. Im so..... weak. Dont call me strong if you dont know that i cant even get myself to go to sleep in the night without thoughts bringing me to tears and dragging me to my knees. Nobody cares anyways right? Why dont i just do it huh? The girl who could never break, finally broke.......