Poems and Thoughts (Book 2) {HIATUS}

((essay i did for class)) The Monsters Within

   My mom always said, “You are beautiful no matter what.” I believed her for years until reality hit me like a truck. My whole world flipped so quickly that I didn’t have enough time to grab ahold of something before I fell. I was in a freefall for years before I learned how to float. Even today I’m still slowly making my way back to the surface.

  I’ve had fear my entire life. Spiders, heights, the dark, you know, normal things. Then in fifth grade my life took a turn. My fear had been increasing for sometime before fifth grade. I jumped at sounds that I didn’t jump at before, I was afraid to be alone anywhere, and worst of all, I was afraid of rejection and not fitting in. When my insecurity hit I was so intent on fitting in that it was all I thought about.

  When I got into the fifth grade the whole grade knew me. I was the one who’s mom was their science or math teacher, I was the smart one, and I was the happy one. But little did they know, when I looked at myself compared to them, I looked at myself as different. I wasn’t that bad in fifth grade, it really all started in sixth. All of my friends except three had suddenly left and it seemed like my old “friends” didn’t know me anymore.

  In seventh grade my best friend of seven years (now eight) moved to Dayton. I was so sad. I had no motivation to do anything and I only had one true friend at school. I didn’t want to leave my room at all. I remember feeling as if nobody cared about me anymore. I hardly ever talked at all, and I was so down that I cried almost every night. I also had terrible anxiety of being around anyone in fear of being made fun of. It was terrible, probably the worst feelings I’ve had so far.

 Then my life turned again at the end of seventh grade. I got into algebra like I wanted to, my best friend (at school) and I got banner carrier, I had more friends, and I stopped worrying about some people I was too attached to. I wasn’t completely over insecurity and my fear was basically the same, but I was getting better.

 Today, I still feel uncomfortable in my own skin at times. I’m still scared of a lot of stupid things, but my life is getting better. I still get sad occasionally without cause, but nothing as bad as a year ago.

  My experiences have really changed how I think. I’ve realized that I’m not perfect and neither is anybody else. I make stupid mistakes, I’m probably the most anxious person you will ever meet, and I’m shy. But being scared and insecure has made my heart kinder. Everything I do is to benefit others. I put others before myself simply because I wouldn’t wish how I felt upon my worst enemy.

  My experiences made me tough. When something terrible happens I have learned to stand strong even when I feel like breaking down. It shows how tough my heart has become. No matter how much I have been through, I survived. With all the hardships there are to come, I will survive. I’m stronger than I look.

  Now, people who really know me like my family would disagree. I cry for stupid reasons like reading or when someone yells at me all the time. What they don’t realize is that I’ve been through a lot in my 14 years on this Earth, and me crying over books is simply because I like the story. I may cry a lot, but like I said, I’m tough.

  I could give somebody in my position a lot of advice, but one truly stands out to me. Keep standing. No matter how hard life may hit you, stay on your feet. It takes so long to stand back up again. I know that sometimes life gets rough, but that is never a reason to give up.

  Also, just because she’s pretty or he’s handsome, it doesn’t mean you’re ugly. Think about it, if we are all made unique, how could you compare yourself to others? That’s like judging a penguin by its ability to fly, you just don’t do it! We’re all different, and different is great! Everyone is beautiful in their own way, you just have to be wise enough to figure it out.

  If somebody had been there to tell me these things, I might not have been so sad. I remember feeling alone, but in all reality I pushed people away. So here is my last bit of advice, don’t push people away. I know it may be hard,  but don’t push people out. You need them more than you think.