You're Not Alone

I Need a Heart That Carries On Through the Pain

(Austin's POV)

I rapped my knuckles gently on the door once more. "Jen, please let me in, sweetie. Silence. "Don't make this harder than it has to be. Jen. You don't even have to talk to me. I just need to make sure you're safe."

The doorknob turned and Jen pulled the door open. I almost giggled at the sight of her in a Batman onesie and zombie slippers, but the amusement quickly dissolved once I gazed upon her face, hollow and empty. Her eyes, once full of joy, were lifeless and dead in their sockets.

"Hold out your arms." The words were sour in my mouth, but I had to protect my daughter. She did as she was told. Her older scars were healing well. My eyes ran over the words, "Dont cry", still engraved on her skin. A weight dropped in my stomach. I forced the lump in my throat back down. "Good." I said. "And your thighs?" She pulled up the legs of her onesie and exposed her bare thighs and hips. I nodded in approval. "Hey, Jen, come downstairs with me. We can watch TV." Jen slowly nodded and followed after me down the stairs.

The episode of Criminal Minds I was watching was winding down, but the marathon was just getting started. After twenty minutes of silence, I knew that I needed to get through to her. "Say something to me, Jen. Talk to me." She shook her head. "Jen, I need you to communicate with me, okay?"

She still said nothing and I fixated my attention back to the screen as Derek Morgan shot the criminal. "I can always tell when waves of sadness hit you. The passion and interest drains from your eyes and you get real quiet."

"What do you want me to say?" I heard a still, small voice ask.

"Anything." I replied. "Ask me what's happening in the show, or if I want to order pizza or if you can make brownies." I shook my head and turned to look at her. "Shit, you don't even have to speak! Just let me know that you're still here. Sigh, moan, cry-"

"I'm done crying."

"Jen, it's okay to cry."

"I cry too much, Austin." When she spoke my name, I felt a pang of pain in my stomach.

"Well, you have good reason. You've been through hell and have lived through things most kids your age should never have to experience."

"Why would she do it, daddy?" Jen asked after another long moment of silence.

"I wish I knew." I hated myself. That was the only answer I could ever give her. I don't know.

Jen's eyes filled up with tears as she balled her hands into fists and I could tell she was gritting her teeth.

"Jen, it's okay to cry."

She choked on a sob that she was trying to contain. "I'm done crying." She said, all the while tears streamed down her face. I moved over to her and took her in my arms, holding her face against my body and letting her tears run down the pink scar splitting my chest in two.

Soon her tears turned into sobs, and the sobs turned into wails. I could barely make out the words "Daddy" as she cried.

I did the only thing I knew would calm her down; I sang.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

I took her arm in my hand and traced her fading scars back and forth with my thumb.

You make me happy when skies are gray

Her hair fell over her face, hiding her from my view. I could no longer see her bloodshot eyes and pink cheeks as she let out what had been repressed for so long.

You'll never know dear, how much I love you

I brought her wrist up to my lips and held my lips to her scars as I sang

Please don't take my sunshine away
~~
I stared down at Jen, who was fast asleep on my chest. She mindlessly traced over my tattoos with her fingers as she slept. That was one thing I loved about her; she always had to feel your presence if she fell asleep next to you. Wether it was clutching my shirt, subconsciously drawing circles on my back or like now, tracing the outline of my tattoos, she always had to feel you and know that she was still here and that you both existed at that moment in history.

My phone buzzed on my thigh. It was Vic.

"Hello?" I answered.

"Hey, buddy."

I smiled a bit. "Hey, pal." I moved a strand of hair out of Jen's face and tucked it behind her ear.

"How's she holding up?" Vic asked. When we came home from Colorado, everyone was so excited. But as soon as they saw her face, all smiles and all cheering stopped, like they could sense something was wrong. It's been three days since I told them about what really happened that night and Vic was the first to call. They knew to leave well enough alone.

"I think she's just trying to cope the only way she knows how, and sometimes she gets it wrong. This is the first time I've heard her speak since we left her mother's apartment."

"Have they arrested Luiza and Travis yet?"

"Yeah, yeah. Last night, I think. I got the call this morning."

Vic sighed with relief. "Good."

I felt Jen begin to stir. "I'll call you back soon, alright?"

"Okay. Take care, Aus." And with that, Vic hung up the phone.

Jen sat up and stretched before looking at me. I must've looked concerned as I stared back at her. She chuckled a bit. "Don't worry about me, Dad. I've done nothing but fall and get myself back again up for the past 15 years of my life."

I rubbed her back. "I know you have, baby. Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows."

Gonna be a short lil A/N today.

An update on what's going on in my world; my 17 year old brother, Matt, finally told my parents that he was gay on Monday night. While I already knew, they did not. And being conservatives, they didn't take it too well at first. But things have calmed down and I think they accept him for who he is. (Woot woot!)

Thank you for all the positive responses on my story of recovery! You guys are wonderful and I love each and every one of you!

Chapter song: Deteriorate by Demon Hunter.

-Gracie