You're Not Alone

We Ain't Ashes

(Jen's POV)

"There comes a time when we can't afford to ignore the elephant in the room, Jen. We either talk about this now or later. The silence is getting louder and louder, and soon, it'll be unbearable." I tried to zone out Austin's voice as I pulled a thread from my jeans.

"What is there to talk about?" Lie. Complete lie. There was everything to talk about. But maybe I just didn't want to hear it.

We sat alone on the roof of the bus, every breath a foggy cloud of everything we wished we could say, but never did. The once beautiful white blankets of snow had turned to an ugly grey slush.

"I know we both said things we regret. And neither of us seems man enough to open up about it. But if we don't have trust, what do we have?"

I bit my lower lip. "I was just mad. There's really not much else to say. I was just angry and couldn't control my tongue." He nodded. I knew his reason was the same.

"Alan and Vic told me. They're worried that even though you threw the blades away, you're not gonna stop."

I scoffed. "Bullshit."

In a quick, fluid motion, Austin grabbed my wrist and brandished the fresh scars. "Is this bullshit too?" I averted his painful, but altogether loving gaze. "Jen, this isn't just two or three cuts on your wrist. It's all over your damned arm." He dropped my arm and grabbed my hand. "We're just worried about you, that's all."

"Look, I know you're worried, but I'm gonna be fine. It's just kind of hard to take in, and I know you know that just...I have no words. I know you're upset and I'm sorry Daddy, I just-"

"What did you just say?"

I touched my lips as the words rolled off of them. "Daddy." I said quietly.

Austin smiled, "Daddy." He laughed.

Soon, I felt myself smile too.
__________________________

(Austin's POV)

"Look, I know you're worried, but I'm gonna be fine. It's just kind of hard to take in, and I know you know that just...I have no words. I know you're upset and I'm sorry Daddy, I just-"

My heart skipped a beat. "What did you say?"

Jen put her fingers to her lips as if she hadn't realized what she said. "Daddy."

One word. Five letters. Yet I felt like I was on top of the world.

I cupped her face in my hands and brought our foreheads together. "I love you so much, Jen. And I know that 'love' is a word that gets thrown around so mindlessly these days, but I've fallen into deep, unfathomable love for you. I love your little dimples, the way your eyes light up when you hear my voice, the strength you've continued to show despite everything that's happened over the past few months. I love you so much."

"Dad...I..." She struggled to find words. But she didn't have to say anything. I could see her heart.
___________________________

(Jen's POV)

A warm sensation flooded through my body. Austin just looked at me. He really looked at me. And I knew that I was here, that I was alive and that I existed.

We sat in silence for a bit, neither one of us daring to cut such a beautiful moment short.

And in that instance I realized something. We were never able to choose our families. I had no say in who my mother or father was. If I did, it sure as hell wouldn't have been those two. But they were the parents I was given. And yes, they created such deep physical and emotional wounds on my body and in my soul. I forgave my parents for their mistakes. But that didn't mean that they had to be mine too.

And sometimes, you have to leave home to find your family.