You're Not Alone

In The Bleak Midwinter

(Jen's POV)

There was no denying that my relationship with Austin had been rocky ever since that night. Though he'd saved me, we were both ashamed because of what was said. No matter now much either of us would've liked to, we could never, ever take those words back. Every time I saw his face, I wanted to hide. Both my own and his words still rang in my ears every period of silence there was.

The guys weren't the same either. They saw that we were both physically uncomfortable and offered a hug or a sympathetic smile, but it didn't help the discomfort.

I'd been spending most of my time alone. It was much easier than facing everyone after all that went down. But the thing is, the isolation was killing me. I was trapped with my thoughts and memories. The only time I felt truly happy was when I was with them, and now I couldn't even look at them without being mortified.

My hands shook as I gripped Austin's shaving razor. Was I really going back to this place?

I ripped at the plastic until the metal blades fell out. I picked up one of the small shards in my hand and rolled up my sleeve. Hoodies and sweaters would be my best friend for a while.

I put the cold blade to my wrist and took a deep breath. My lip quivered and I drew the razor back. It had been almost a month since I last cut. And I was abut to throw it all away. I put the blade to my skin once again and pushed it against my skin and made the first cut.

Finish what you've started.

It only took about five minutes for little cuts to litter my entire arm. There wasn't an inch of skin that didn't get cut. I covered my arm in a bandage and secured it before pulling my sleeves back down over it. You couldn't even tell I'd done anything.

I put the blades in my makeup bag in case I needed them later. I figured that Austin wouldn't notice if one of his shaving razors was missing.

I stepped out of the bathroom, my knees shaking. I earned a concerned look from Tino.

"Jen, are you alright? You were in there for a while." He asked. I faked a smile.

"Yeah, I just felt a little sick, that's all."

Tino nodded, but I could tell he didn't believe me. I sat down on an arm chair, closed my eyes and began rubbing my stiff shoulders. Sleeping on a park bench wasn't my brightest idea. I felt hands playing with the ends of my hair and looked up into the eyes of Tony.

"You alright, kid?" He asked. I nodded

"Yeah. My shoulders are just really stiff and sore."

Tony motioned for me to sit on the floor. I did and he took the space where I was previously sitting. I felt him move my hair to one side and he began massaging my shoulders and neck.

The bus door burst open and Vic and Alan ran through.

"Jellybean!" Alan called. I sighed at the old nickname. "Come with us! We
found this thing! Come see the thing!"

"Alan, I-" Vic cut me off.

"Come on, Jen! It's this huge waterfall and all the water's frozen over! Come on!" He grabbed my arm, putting pressure on the fresh cuts. I winced and drew my arm back. I saw blood surface through my light blue sweater.

Vic's smile faded and he stared at my arm. "Jen...please."

I played with my fingers to avoid the painful gaze of Vic and Alan.

Alan grabbed my hands and pulled me off the floor gently. We walked to the lounge and Vic followed close behind, pulling the door closed when we finally entered the room.

I sat on the leather couch, staring at the blood on my sweater. My whole body was telling me to cry, but the tears never came.

Alan knelt on the ground in front of me, linking his fingers with mine. Vic took hold of my scarred arm and rolled up the sleeve. "May I?" He asked. I nodded without looking up. He gently took off the bandage and set it to the side. He traced the scars with his thumb.

Alan took my chin in his fingers and tilted my head up. "Jen." I looked into his eyes. "You were doing so well." I nodded. "Why?" I shrugged. Alan shook his head, "That's not an answer."

"I wasn't thinking. I didn't think. I just acted on what felt right."

"This wasn't right, Jen. Not at all." Vic chimed in. "Next time, before you do anything, you come to us, okay?" I nodded.

Alan took my arm from Vic and brought it to his lips, lingering on the ditch of my elbow for a minute before beginning to kiss every scar, all the way down to my wrist. When he was finished, he leaned over and kissed my forehead.

Vic stood up. "Where are the blades, Jen?"

I rose and led them to the bathroom and retrieved my makeup bag. I pulled the 3 blades out, slightly nicking my fingers in the process. Vic kissed them.

Alan took the blades in his fingers. "Are you gonna make me flush them?" I asked.

He shrugged. "I think I have something different in mind. Get a jacket, it's cold out." Alan insisted, putting the blades in his pocket.

I did as I was told and followed them off the bus. Alan led me to the waterfall he and Vic talked about earlier. He was right, it was beautiful.

Alan picked up a heavy looking rock and tossed them onto the frozen over river, breaking the ice. He handed me a rock and I did the same. Then Vic. We soon created a gateway to the freezing water below.

Alan took the blades gently out of his pocket. 3 blades. One for each of us. He handed one to me and then to Vic, keeping one for himself.

"This is for all the assholes that took advantage of you!" He drew his arm back and threw the blade into the hole. It splashed and sank to the bottom of the river.

Vic laughed and cupped his hands around his mouth. "This is for all the pricks that made you feel small!" He too chucked the blade into the water.

Alan handed me my blade carefully, worried that I'd do something rash. I didn't. I took it and turned it over in my palm before closing my hand around it. I felt a tiny ghost of a smile grow on my face. I threw it as well. "This one's for the bitch that never loved me!" Alan and Vic cheered, before Alan threw me over his shoulder and spun around.

"Si señorita!!" Vic yelled.

"Hey! Pablo! Keep it down!!!" A voice yelled in the distance.

"Hey! Chupar mi culo, gringo!" Vic yelled. I didn't need a translator to know what he said.

This chapter is dedicated to Fab_Killjoy , who's name just happens to be Jen. Love ya <3

Title creds/chapter song: In The Bleak Midwinter by Susan Boyle.

-Gracie