You're Not Alone

Cigarettes and Saints

*Austin*

"Did Jen ever show any signs of feeling suicidal? Even little comments that seemed like jokes often can be serious warning signs." Dr. Shepard asked.

I rubbed my eyebrows with my thumb and forefinger. "She's had depression since she was a little kid. I mean, how could you not if you were in her shoes?" I laughed a little cynically. "About a month and a half ago, we found out that she had cut herself again. But she hasn't done it since then." I explained.

"Upon inspection, the only sign of self harm were on her arms, other than the old, fading ones. But those cuts looked about a month old. So you're right." He jotted a few things down on a clipboard. "Why do you think that this feeling was sparked in her? Do you have any idea as to why she was feeling this way?"

I sighed and sipped my lukewarm coffee. "Recent events with her boyfriend."

"Such as?"

"He cheated on her. And she heard it all happen over the phone. He forced her to smoke and gave her a spiked drink. Put her in compromising positions."

He scribbled on his notes. "Are you pressing charges?"

I took a deep breath, gritted my teeth and shook my head. "No. But that kid isn't coming anywhere near my daughter ever again."

He jotted a few more things down before rising to his feet. "Thank you, Mr. Carlile. I'll be in contact with a specialist from Orange County shortly, because you obviously can't stay in New Orleans forever." He chuckled. "I'll give you a call and you can begin seeing him regularly."

"Thank you, Doctor Shepard." I shook his hand.

"I wish you and Jennifer the best."

I threw the coffee in the trash can on the way out.

Jen needed a therapist. A specialist, even. I ran a hand through my hair. How could I not have seen this coming? No kid can come from a past that dark and be completely unaffected by it. Jen's attempt wasn't solely because of Mason.

I walked down the long hallway to Jen's room, where she lay sleeping. Her hair hung in front of her face, strands blowing every time she exhaled. I tucked them behind her ears. It was hard for me to imagine the sensation of her hair absent from my fingertips, or the sound of her breathing. And even whenever she would punch me in the arm whenever I tried to make a dad joke. She was so close to being gone.

I looked down at my watch to check the time. It was getting late.

I drove the rental car back to the hotel. We decided to move everyone seeing as we would be staying in New Orleans for a while until Jen got back on her feet. And quite frankly, the bus was uncomfortable and wasn't cutting it.

I walked into the room I was sharing with Alan and Aaron. Aaron was asleep on the bed, but Alan was curled up on the couch holding a metal bowl. A big spoon lay on the ground in front of him.

"Alan?" I asked. "You alright?"

He turned to me, dark circles and bags under his tired eyes.

"I was gonna make cookies." He said lazily.

I scratched my head. "What?"

"I was gonna make Jen some cookies, but I finished making the dough and I got sad and ate all of it." He gestured to the bowl and spoon.

He'd done this once before when he and his girlfriend Maddie broke up. He was gonna make a cake for Phil's birthday, but ended up eating his feelings with the batter.

"Alan, there's raw egg in that. You can get sick." I scolded him. "What about the tour?"

He set the bowl on the coffee table. "Who cares about the tour? Who cares about anything?"

I put a hand out defensively. "Alan, what's the matter dude?"

He threw his hands up in the air. "What isn't the matter, Austin? Everything's so fucked up!"

I put a finger to my lips and shushed him. "Don't wake him up." I gestured to Aaron.

Alan laughed cynically. "Who gives a fuck, Austin?" He ran a hand through his hair. "Not me, that's for damn sure."

"Alan, what's going on?"

He bit his lip, tears pooling in his eyes. "I can't stop thinking about it, man. She was so cold. Her body was completely limp." A single tear rolled down his cheek. "I thought she was gonna die."

I sat in the armchair across from him. "But she didn't die. She's still here, still alive." I shook my head. "Does that not matter?"

He sighed. "Of course it matters! But you're not hearing what I'm saying."

"Then what are you saying?"

"I'm saying that we should've seen something! That we should've known!"

I put my hands on my knees and leaned forward. "Alan, I hear you. But Jen's smile is the prettiest lie. You know as well as I do that she doesn't share how she's feeling unless you force it out of her."

"I just feel so god damn guilty."

I shook my head. "Alan, it's not your fault. It's no ones fault." Alan laughed a little bit. But if wasn't sarcastic laughing. I half smiled. "What?"

"Why is it that when something bad happens to Jen it has something to do with me?"

We both laughed, trying to forget the horror we called "reality".

•••

Sorry updates for this story have been so slow! School is very stressful and homework and guard rehearsal is taking up most of my time. Be patient with me!

Chapter song: Cigarettes and Saints by the Wonder Years.

See you guys next chapter!

-Gracie