You're Not Alone

hello

hi guys, it's gracie. i don't know if there's even anyone still reading this, maybe there is and writing this isn't a ginormous waste of time, or maybe there isn't and i'm just writing this for the sake of closure. but hi. 

first and foremost, i'm sorry for abandoing this story right after saying i was coming back. that was pretty shitty of me to do. so i'm sorry for that. but i'm not sorry for the reasons that i did abandon it. for one, it was because i didn't know where the story was going. i couldn't really see a future for it at all. i was never great at planning out my stories. i personally am a very act-now-think-later kind of person. i always have been. so when i first sat down to write this story, about three years ago if i'm not mistaken, i didn't have a plan as to what would happen. there was no grand scheme, no schedule at all really. i had a few plans, an idea for some characters, and a lot of time on my hands. so you can imagine my struggle here. another reason that i stopped was because of how my life was playing out at the moment. i'll spare you all of the details but at that point, i found joy in very little, including writing. it was so heartbreaking to realize that something i used to enjoy so much and something i was so passionate about essentially die in my hands. and i didn't want to continue writing if my heart wasn't in it, because that wouldn't have been fair to me or any of you. 

to back trace a little bit, the original idea of this story originally came to me in a nightmare. i had just watched the movie "gimme shelter" and that night, i dreamt of myself, who inspired the character of jen, on the run from an abusive mother, not knowing where to go, or who to trust. it was the scariest feeling i've ever experienced. i woke up from that dream in a cold sweat and cried softly, alone in my bed. but then i began to wonder if i could tell that same story, but with a silver lining. so i grabbed my phone and began to write whatever was in my head, with no master plan or blueprint. i just typed away. as i continued the story throughout time, i began to lose ideas for jen and austin and the rest of the gang and decided to take a break of sorts, without thinking through how long it would be or any of that. i simply decided that i would speak up when jen was ready again. 

looking back on this story now, three years later as a 17 year old, it shocks me just how much i've grown as both an "author" and a person. because of this, i sat down one day, in boredom, and just began to write. i wrote everything from poetry, to personal narratives, even short little fiction pieces. but i also remembered everything that i wrote here, and everyone that had read and enjoyed it, and i wrote down a diary entry of sorts, from the perspective of jen herself. all the words that had been building up for over the years spilled over, and i realized that jen had more to say, and she wasn't ready to finish telling her story. 

though i've grown older and have outgrown the band as a whole, i do truly miss writing. i miss the feeling of a new idea and getting to see it come to life and seeing how the world reacts to it. i truly do. so if any of you are still out there and are willing to give me another chance, i'd like to pick this back up. i can't guarantee how great it will be, but i can guarantee that i'll try my hardest. i would be telling the same story, with the same people, just with a newfound perspective and a more mature voice. 

i'll speak up if you all are ready. 

please let me know if any of you are still here after all this time. i've missed you. please let me know if you want to hear the rest of jen's story. 

thank you. i'm sorry. 

-gracie