You're Not Alone

I Feel Like a Sailboat

(Jen's POV)

I rubbed my eyes with the back of my hand, trying to wake myself up. "What do you mean I'm getting a therapist?"

Austin sighed heavily. "Jen, it was a mistake on my part to believe that you recovered that quickly from everything that's happened to you. There's obviously a lot of buried emotions here that we haven't sorted through and clearly need to."

I grew annoyed. "Austin, I don't need a fucking therapist. I'm fine!"

I noticed his face fall a bit at the sound of his name. "Jen, you tried to kill yourself. Clearly, we aren't giving you the help you need here."

I laughed cynically. "This is so stupid." I crossed my arms.

"No, Jen!" He exploded. "It's not stupid!" I was taken aback. "I made a promise to you when I adopted you that I would keep you safe and happy. And you're neither of those things at the moment. And if I have to go to these measures to keep you safe...I will."

My eyes filled with tears. To tell you the complete truth, I knew he was right. I needed help beyond the Of Mice & Men family and I wasn't going to magically get better on my own. I just didn't want to accept the fact that I needed not only a therapist, but a specialist at that.

Austin opened his mouth to say something, but closed it, as if he didn't know exactly what to say.

A clap of thunder sounded outside of the window and I listened as rain pelted against the glass while lightning flashed in the distance.

"The sky is weeping." I said before I began to cry as well.

Austin leaned against a wall, crossed his arms, and nodded slowly. "Yeah." He said. He bit the inside of his cheek, searching for more words to say. But all that came out out was another, "Yeah."

I pulled at a loose thread in the wool blanket on my mattress. "What if I don't get better, Austin? What do we do then?"

He fell silent for a moment. What do you even say at a time like that?

"We keep hoping." He said at long last. "Praying."

I let out a heaved sigh. "I just want to be happy. Why can't I just be happy?"

"Jen, happiness is a journey, not a destination."

"I know, but it seems like I can't even put one foot in front of the other. And it's not like I'm not trying either, because I'm trying so damn hard everyday. But I just can't do it." I  bit her bottom lip and shook my head. "Why?" My voice was barely audible. "Why did this happen?" My mind never went off of Mason. "Why did I have to lose everything?" I felt and heard the clear break in my voice.

"You didn't lose everything, Jen." Austin retorted. "Not even close. Those pills didn't kill you. You're still here. Still alive."

I turned to Austin and locked my gaze on him. "Then what am I supposed to do now?"

He knelt down next to the bed and put his hand on top of mine. "Don't worry about finding a boyfriend. Just be a kid.  You're 15, Jen." I mulled this over for a moment. "Run around, scrape your knees, get dirty. Climb trees, hop fences, get into trouble, for crying out loud." He chuckled before pointing a finger at me. "Not too much, but some." I laughed too as his, what I liked to call, motherly instincts came out. "Jen, you have the whole rest of your life to find your significant other. But you only have a few more years left of just being a stupid teenager. Don't waste them."

I smiled and wrapped my arms around his neck. "I love you, dad."

"I love you too, sweet pea."

My phone buzzed under my thigh and I picked it up. There were about a dozen texts from Mason waiting for me. Everything from him drunk texting me last night, to asking where I was, to asking if I was okay, to him apologizing profusely. The most recent one simply read, "I love you".

Austin sighed. "Jen, I'm not gonna tell you what to do here. All I'm gonna say to you is, forgive Mason for his mistakes, but don't give him the chance to make them again."

Austin sat down on the chair next to my bed and leaned his head back against the wall.

I kept reading that same message over and over again; "I love you."

I took a deep breath and punched a reply. I read it over once before I hit "send".

"Go fuck yourself."

•••

Hey, guys.

I'm so sorry for my absence lately. Life has gotten so crazy and I can't keep up with it. I'm going through a lot of shit right now and trying to juggle school and colorguard on top of that is almost too much to bear. I haven't been writing because I haven't found the time or motivation to in so long. I cannot apologize to you enough.

This update is nothing special, it's short, probably boring, and just pitiful all together in general. But it's something, and I'm trying so hard to make you guys happy. Please cut me a little bit of slack.

The song for this chapter is the one that's been on repeat for me for the past month and a half,  Sailboat by Ben Rector. If I could sum my life up into one song right now, this would probably be it, which is why it seemed so fitting for this chapter. Jen and I are both trying so hard to make things happen, but it doesn't always come quickly. Give us time and patience.

Thank you to those of you who haven't given up on this story yet. I promise you, it's not over yet. Just hold on tight until we get there.

Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

Thank you.

-Grace