Hidden Feelings Book 1 (Poetry) (Journaling)

Journal Entry 25

I give up. I want love so bad, but every girl or boy I've been with, which has only been one girl and one boy, they have only shown me why I'm better off alone. I give up on life. I can't keep going, there's just so much pain and sadness and most of all grief and confusion and no one is being helpful, they all call me selfish for the way I choose to get help. But did you guys ever think of how selfish you are for making me have no choice but to live because of you and for guilt tripping me, making me so damn confused all the time saying one thing one time and another thing the other time that somehow contradicts the other thing and never trying to help me understand but making me more confused and making me live and not die, also for your own selfish reasons. I can't take it anymore, I want to say I can handle the pain but I can't. I mean I've been used, manipulated, hurt, betrayed, abandoned, and overall I've been tossed aside like trash when people get tired of me or find me to be to annoying. I've been unloved all my life and now that I'm not useful to anyone they don't want me nor love me anymore. And yes while a lot of bad things have happened to me I do understand that it's all my own fault so I have no one to blame but myself because I deserve every bad thing that has or will ever happen to me. But just as my way of getting help may have hurt you guys none of this would have happened if you guys had not given me the messed up and traumatizing past that I have had to live with and endure. And the fact that I'm already confused and you confuse me even more with your shit and selfish nonsense about how I am being selfish by getting help and how I'm just feeling sorry for myself whenever I cry, is complete and utter bullshit. So, now that I'm already fucked up from my childhood that you guys have ruined you wanna hurt me even more with your manipulation and guilt tripping me, and yet you call me the selfish one. I mean honestly I've already seen the ugly side of the world and humanity so I have nothing to fear and you guys wanted to break me, well congrats I'm broken beyond repair and I have given up on life so you guys should be happy now right well good for you guys because I don't care anymore about anything let alone myself.