Hidden Feelings Book 1 (Poetry) (Journaling)

Journal Entry 35

I'm tired, I'm not gonna lie and say I'm not holding onto something others might say is a relationship that's doomed to fail. But there's this boy, we've yet to actually meet but the first time I heard his voice he made me feel real love and serenity, and some might say I'm crazy but if you'd have heard him you would have thought hey, I can hear the care and love he feels for me in his voice. Also the way he talks to me shows how much he truly cares for and loves me, because that's exactly how I felt and thought. We've talked more after that but hearing his voice it sounded like a thread and needle to my broken heart, metaphorically speaking. It was like hope, because it was like I could feel again, and he might one day fix my broken heart once and for all. But sadly he's in New York and I'm in Georgia, I mean he's visited Georgia before but I never got the chance to see him thanks to my family and the fact that I am not allowed to be seeing him and I don't have my own car. Also he's told me before that he's also not sure that this relationship will work out. So, because of him not being able to see and hold me, it's taken a toll on him but you see it's done the same to me. I mean I'm already dealing with so much already that its just stressing me out so much already and I'm so tired but I am trying my best to hang on because I do truly love him it's just hard to love a person from a distance ya know? I'm already kinda doubting myself and if I really do love him because I guess I'm just the type of person to listen to what others say about me and take it to heart and maybe believe it you know? I mean I feel terrible for thinking that way at all, it's just that I feel like I love him but I don't love him at the same time and I just recently found out that I have commitment issues and all. it's just been so hard to trust others I have been hurting so much, in so many different ways by people close to me and not so close to me but it hurt none the less, some just hurt more than others, and now I just find it hard to trust people and now also myself. And I mean I feel this pain in my chest when I think he could be hurt or is already hurting inside, it hurts me too so I know that if what I think is even a little bit true it will hurt him so much. So that's why I wanna be absolutely certain before I say anything, and if its not true I'm still gonna tell him because I love him and I don't want their to be any secrets between us ever. I don't ever wanna hurt him, never ever because I just simply love him to much.