Hidden Feelings Book 1 (Poetry) (Journaling)

Journal Entry 27

But the thing is I really do need to vent, I mean I should probably be writing in a journal like my therapist said. You know like the kind that has paper in it and the one where you use a pen to write but writing on my laptop is better for me, because I love to write stories and I feel like I'm writing a story which makes it so much easier to write you know. But what I really need more that anything and the one thing I'm always asking for even if I don't use my words is for someone to hold me let me cry in their lap on their shoulder to hear me out and try their best to understand me and console me in some way any way, like by maybe telling me everything will be alright things will get better i just have to be patient because things take time and healing in any way at all takes a lot of time for some people especially depending on what they went through in the past and how bad or deep their trauma is. And I need someone to finally believe me when I tell them what it is that is troubling me and hurting me so badly, I need for them to trust me when I open up and put so much of my trust in them. I need someone to be their for me and instead of telling me I'm lying when I tell them my deepest darkest secret to tell me they believe me and even if they have not experienced the same thing before they believe me and will try their hardest to help me you know. I need someone who is willing to trust me and help me and not call me selfish for trying to get help even if the system is broken and corrupt in so many ways, because I need the help so badly so I will do anything to get myself some help. I'm always called selfish or being told I'm just feeling sorry for myself or being called a liar when I am none of those things, and I am being told I never think of the consequences of my actions I never think of how what I do or say could affect others, but truth be told that's all I think about even when trying to get myself some much needed help i think of what would happen if I told the wrong person or they misunderstood what I said or what would happen and how it would effect the people around me if I did something stupid. I am not that stupid or that selfish I would never wanna hurt others even by accident. I mean when I tell someone I need help they tell me why do you come to me for help don't you have parents or siblings who could help me, and yes while that is true my parents and siblings are the one I'm running from and need help with. And I can't go to any of my friends from church for help with my situation because the people who are hurting me are my family and they would never believe me if I just went up to them and said I need help my family is hurting me or my brothers did something awful to me, so yeah I'm stuck suffering. And I would go to my friends for help but they have lives and they could be dealing with their own problems and they wouldn't wanna help me with mine when they can't even fix their own or egt help with their own issues. Also I don't want to bother them because I would only feel like a burden someone who is just causing them more issues than they might already have. Besides what if they do believe me about what happened and i went to them for help but they end up not being able to do anything or help me in any way. I mean I have hobbies and things I like to do like writing or typing in this laptop and I love to read and listen to music as well and there great distractions from my issues but being around or even near my parents rubs me the wrong way and makes me feel like shit instantly and I hate that they have that effect on me still somehow. I mean everyone has a 2am person they can talk to about anything and who will pick up no matter what or the time even if they were just sleeping because they care for their friend and their well being, but where did my 2am go?