Hidden Feelings Book 1 (Poetry) (Journaling)

Journal Entry 44

Me: Hey what's up, how are you doing?

Rayen: Hey kiddo, I'm kinda low today... How are you doing? Slept well? Ate well?

Me: Why are you kinda low today? Are you ok? And yeah I guess I'm doing alright I had passed out yesterday though, and I had trouble waking up this morning for work. Because I took some sleep meds last night and even though I was late for work I felt amazing after waking up from some proper and good sleep.

Rayen: Well as long as you slept well, its good and what do you mean ate, sorta? You need to be eating, how are you gonna be healthy if you don't eat?

Me: I'm just not that hungry I guess, sorry though.

Also the reason I took sleeping meds last night was not actually for my sleep.

It was cuz I did and said some things that made me feel like a monster.

And I needed to knock myself out before I cut myself again, cuz I felt the need to cut myself whenever I feel to much emotional or mental pain, you know.

I had been holding in how I felt about my parents, whenever I feel or think something someone won't like I never say it or act it out outloud I hold myself back. And I've held back just how much anger I hold for them how much I truly just wanna yell at them until their willing to listen to me and see me as my own person and not the comparison of someone else. I just wanna yell at them so much, and make them help me understand why they don't want me why they hurt me, why they don't believe me, why they hate me, you know.

I told my parents that on the trip their going on all of next week, I hope they got into an accident and died.

And I know deep down that I didn't mean what I said, but I had already said it.

I don't want to hurt anyone, I don't wanna be a bad or mean person. But sometimes I tend to hold back how I feel and what I'm thinking so much so that I explode in the end like I'm a ticking time bomb.

I had a complete breakdown because I knew I hurt them by what I said and that hurt me because sometimes I actually do think of hurting others but I could never actually do it, and it happens whenever I get to overwhelmed by another person in some situations. But I don't actually wanna hurt anyone because for some unknown reason I care about everyone even if I don't know them. I don't know how to stop caring so that way everyone can stop hurting me.

Rayen: You've been working and your not hungry, you sure? Or is it something else? In all honesty, this was bound to happen because you've been holding back for too long and also the fact of how they've been treating you, I know it's not in your nature to hurt people but every person has a breaking person but you, self harming yourself, I'm not proud of that since, I myself have been a self harmer for years on end and stopped about a year ago so yeah, not cool, harming yourself.

Me: And yeah I've been working but I'm not hungry, I'm more so tired than anything. Yeah I guess it was bound to happen and now its all my fault it happened, because I held everything inside if I'd just let everything out sooner none of this wouldn't have happened. And yeah they've been treating me not the best but saying what I did makes me no better than them and I don't wanna be like them at all ever. Your right it's not in my nature to hurt people and yeah while every person has a breaking point I should have been able to hold back and not react the way I did. And yeah I'm sorry about the self harming, I truly am so sorry, I really am trying to stop hurting myself truly I am. And I know it's not cool, and so I'm really sorry.

Rayen: Sorry kiddo, I had dozed off . Stop blaming yourself for letting loose on your parents, ok fine, you think you were wrong, ok but that doesn't make you a monster, they're no good as well, remember that too.

Me: Ok, I understand I will, try, to stop blaming myself, I'm sorry I won't think I'm a monster anymore and I know there also no good, I know.

Rayen: Just keep yourself happy, keep venting from time to time and all should be fine, no more cutting and cursing yourself is all.

Me: Okay, I will.