Hidden Feelings Book 1 (Poetry) (Journaling)

Journal Entry 47

You say you wanna know me, that you only know the hurt side of me, and you wanna know the rest of me. But you really don't wanna know me, my own parents know who I am and they hate me, you only know apart of me and you say you wanna know more so here I go.

I was a very spunky kid when growing up, in elementary school no one truly liked me, I would do thing's my way and when I wanted to. I would keep to myself but when I saw kids who looked sad I would go up to them and help them, but I was failing in my classes, but I never cared because I always had this feeling that I would make it through my life anyways. There was this time in my school where at recess the other kids wanted to race me and I won the race and that was the first time I realized I loved to run. Then in third grade I went to a teachers class and she gave me a book I don't remember her name sadly but yeah. Then there was this other teacher miss sharp, yeah I know a really strange name but it was her name anyways. She was the nicest teacher their other than the one who gave me that book, but in one of her classes I got into trouble because their was this one girl who called me a bitch and a waste and other times a weirdo or a freak and that's when the bullying started. I gave her a beat down and I felt like the bully in that moment so I never hurt her again but my mother pulled me out of school and decided that because I was falling behind in school and I beat up another kid she would home school me from now on. But also because a year before she pulled me out of school I started showing signs of being sick, I would hardly drink water but I would need the restroom a lot, my attitude would change as if I was bipolar when I wasn't and I would get sick and throw up easily for no reason. Then one day I had passed out in elementary school and had my first ever seizure but I don't quite remember it I just know that I fell over because I had just thrown up and wasn't feeling good and I woke up in a hospital at the age of 8, then a doctor came in and I found out that I had been diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. I was also going to grace church at that time, and me and my siblings would go outside to the playground after church everyday and play on the swings which always made me happy quickly then we would play in the woods I would always take my shoes off because I loved feeling the earth below my feet and how cold it was or how spiky it was and sometimes how it made me feel inside. I would take my shoes off even as a baby but after being diagnosed as a diabetic I was never allowed to take my shoes off but I did it anyways, I think I was in the hospital for some months and when I was finally able to leave I could barley walk after laying down for so long. Though inside the hospital I was allowed to play with the other kids their and they had activities for us to do. But while I was in the hospital people from my old church would visit and one of them I can't remember her name but she was the one to give me my hello kitty blanket and my pink panther book. It was fun and cool what she gave me at the time because I was a child I loved the pink panther, though I didn't quite like hello kitty I was glad that they cared as much as they did. But once I left the hospital with my father he brought me home my siblings were curious and wanted to know all about diabetes but at the time I myself didn't know or understand much of what my doctor talked about before I left to go home. But my father knew all about it and understood it too. So he tried his best to explain it to my mother and brothers so whenever my father wasn't home they were able to take care of me and make sure I lived. at the time I was still myself and nothing bad had happened to me yet. Before what my brothers did to me, I used to lie all the time about where I was, or what I was doing. I'd also steal stuff from the store with my siblings from the age of 10 to the age or 13. Though most of the stuff we stole was food or something to drink and sometimes rubber bands the kind you use to make bracelets. So yeah I was a liar and a thief when I was younger but not anymore, I've changed for the better because I wanted to. But sooner than I would have liked I had asked my brother about boys and that's when he taught me about masturbation, I told him it hurt when he had told me how to do it, but he said that was normal. Then as I got older and as I got the hang of it he made me touch him then my other two brothers joined in, they would ask me to touch and rub them, while our parents were at work or busy with something else while at home so they never had time for me, my brothers would ask me to touch them down their and other times they would ask if they could rub their things between my legs, but as I got older I started to ask them for candy or money in return because I had started to think what we were doing was okay. But I also started to think if they can get something out of this then I wanted something to, they would also pay us to clean their rooms and do their chores and I didn't mind. I liked cleaning and I still do because it gave me time to think and it helped calm me down. Then as we all got older they would ask for more and want to do that stuff more often, I was still a carefree little girl, I didn't mind doing that stuff with them. Though I always felt disgusted or appalled but I never knew that was a bad thing to feel that way I just knew I didn't like feeling that way, but I always thought it's my own fault I'm feeling this way I chose to let them use me I chose to let them have their ways with me so in the end it's all my fault just as much as it is theirs. Then as the age of 11 my middle brother out of the three had started to come into my room and touch me down their at night it still hurt none the less, but I was scared and just froze or pretended to be asleep and it would be in the early morning before school, he did it everyday and would always leave when he thinks i'm about to wake up. But that was when the running away from home started and I would leave and not come home for hours because when I wasn't at home I felt free I felt okay for once, but that's also when the beatings had started, I was beat at least a hundred times on the ass, legs or back for running away. I had been getting bullied at school as well but never told my parents because I didn't think they'd help me they'd just hurt me more and so I never told them I still don't. But that's also when I had started covering up all the time after that, then I started to wear baggy clothes or jackets to school all the time because I believe d other guys would wanna use me to if I didn't hide my body. But that's also when I started cu**ing myself and my cu**ing only got deeper and worse after that so I wore jackets everyday everywhere no matter the whether. I had also stopped eating and would skip meals or not eat but not tell anyone so they always thought I ate when really I didn't, and I had started going to school again in 8th grade, they still did stuff to me and I was shy timid and a submissive but I always thought that little girl in me died. But when I was being bullied in 8th grade by some queen bee bitch, I started to talk again because always being at home doing online school while both my parents worked and my brothers sometimes skipped I never talked again, so for a whole year or two while being home schooled I never talked unless I felt it necessary at home. So my first year in middle school was 8th grade and I wasn't much of a talker like ever, I would talk to the teachers but I would whisper because I was scared they'd yell at me like how my parents did whenever I needed the bathroom or had a question they didn't like. But she got on my nerve just like that one girl in third grade so I talked again, but whenever I talk now or try to stand up for myself I always have a small panic attack but I do it anyways, because I used to never care what others thought about me before what my brothers did to me because I loved myself at the time. But with what they did, I slowly started to hate myself have bad thought about myself and I started to think I was ugly I was fat I was a bad person. But after standing up for myself in middle school against that bitch, I started to have more confidence in myself, I started to not give a shit about what others thought of me I wore clothes I loved and was comfortable in, I still never talked to guys or was near them unless it wasn't an option like in the lunch line because they scared me and still do. I had made one friend in middle school apparently but never noticed and I forgot his name so I felt like shit for that but he hasn't talked to me sense then and he was kicked out of school for good because of something he did. I am still that same little girl because before middle school I thought it would kill me, that I was no longer that same little girl that made everyone feel better or feel happy or made them smile. Because when I turned twelve 2 years before middle school my brother asked to fuck me, and me being me I didn't say no but I also didn't say yes. He had grabbed my hand and taken me to his room and me well I didn't fight back I was stupid and froze up, but he had stuck his thing in me and it hurt so much I bleed and I cried then after he came in me he had cleaned himself up and said bye and had left to soccer practice with his friends. I had then finally gotten up and tried to clean myself off so their was none of him left on me, but he was in me and it hurt and now I will always feel disgusted by sex and think about doing it but never actually wanting to do it. But somewhere along the line when I was thirteen he brought his friend into the mix and then I had to suck him off touch him and they made me touch myself in-front of them and that was the worst part because I can no longer look at myself the same way every again. But after I made it out of middle school they stopped using me and I felt relief and tried my best to live my life as normally as I could but my first year in high school that's when I learned what we were doing was wrong and it was called incest and I also learned that they could suffer 5 years in prison but I didn't wanna do that because felt that it was also all my fault so I shouldn't say anything to anyone ever and for five years I never said anything. but in those five years in my second year of high school in November a classmate had assaulted me and touched me and made me feel disgusted all over again and I had told the school a few days ago and all they did was make him apologize and that's when I realized I meant nothing to anyone that I was unimportant. And while still in middle school my mother said I was a disappointment and burden to the whole family then in high school she called me a mistake told me she hated the way I turned out and when they finally fund out what my brothers did to me they called me delusional and a liar. They said their son's would never do that and they said they were with them all the time and that really broke me because they said they would listen to me and believe me if I told them what happened and I did but my brothers of course they denied it. But me well I gave up on getting any help ever, but I tried to still be myself I never listened or cared what others said of me I still cared about others, and I always put others before myself and always helped them with their problems and that's how I've kept myself together all this time because helping them always seemed to help me somehow and I always followed my gut feelings and they were never wrong nor did they ever result in hurting me. I'm trying to live a normal live but I've been without love care or attention for so many years that when I get them I feel undeserving of it all the time, I feel I deserve every bad thing that happens to me because my mother told me i deserve every bad thing that happens to me. But I still try my best. I've yet to become who I once was as a child but I feel like I've changed for the better no matter what anyone else may think.