Hidden Feelings Book 1 (Poetry) (Journaling)

Journal Entry 26

You hurt me more than you could have ever imagined yet you don't truly care because as long as I'm weak and broken it's easy to manipulate me and control me isn't it. But I can never get help or that's the way you have me thinking now sense you drilled it into my head over the years, right? I mean I'm so confused by life, because I look around me and into the world and it looks nothing like the life I've lived inside of this house. I mean in the world parents love and adore their children but still get mad, frustrated and worried about them, but in this house I used to call my home you don't love me you use me and toss me aside when I'm useless and only want me back when I become of use to you again. You don't adore me you get annoyed by me and hate me more than anything because I'm a nuisance to you. You don't just get mad at me you yell hurtful words to me and hit me, you don't get frustrated by me you despise me, you don't worry about me you only worry that I will get you into trouble and therefor only care and worry about yourselves. So, while I lay in my bed at night confused by the world, and concerned for myself and what living here will do to me, no one helps me understand the world so I only end up growing up and having more questions than answers. I mean in the world brothers protect their sisters adore them and love them more than anything and will do anything to make them happy. But in this house you didn't protect me, you were the monsters I was running and hiding from the ones who hurt me more than anything with your words and actions, you never adored me you thought I was super annoying and wished I'd just disappeared so you didn't have to deal with me. You guys didn't love me you hated me more than anything and even told me to go kill myself because you said that was just how much you guys hated me, you never did anything to try to make me happy you always tried you'r hardest to make me sad and hurt me and make my life suck more than it already did. In this world younger sisters are supposed to look up to their older sisters, love them think their cool or awesome and see them as their role models and try to make them happy when their sad. But you guys don't look up to me you look down on me call me stupid tell me everyday how you don't expect anything of me and you never will. You guys don't love me and that's very clear when you guys are telling me everyday how much you hate me and wish I was dead and how when I left you had wished I had never come back because you were happier without me and you said life would be better if I wasn't here. You guys don't think I'm awesome or cool you think I suck and I'm a horrible person who knows nothing and is the worst sister ever. And you never tried or do try to make me feel better when I'm sad you look at me with no emotion in your eyes ask why I'm sad then say okay and walk away. And I mean people at where I work are so nice to people and that doesn't seem right to me and i guess that's because I'm so used to people hating me being mean to me or hurting me that when their nice to me it makes no sense as to why their so nice to me they don't know me but their nice to simply because they can be is what they say. They give me things for no reason without me having to work for it, and they talk to me and don't make fun of me but encourage me and they say I can have things and i don't have to ask for everything and they say if I want to do something or be something I can be I just have to try and work hard enough for it. But in this house I grew up in and is the only place I truly know I have never had one of these things I was made fun of hurt discouraged and told I could be nothing and told I should just die and that everyone would be happier without me, yet the world is so different and I think I might like the world better than this house I've grown up in all my life. But still I am broken I am just hanging on by a single thread holding on for dear life trying so hard to find meaning in my life before it's to late and that single thread snaps and I fall into the darkness never able to escape it. I mean over the years you guys have drilled all kinds of messed up thoughts in my head and you don't care or feel remorse or guilt for what you did or how you treated me you say its all my fault, I mean you guys have me always thinking and feeling like I'm some kind of burden and I always will be, you have me thinking I'm just a mistake who will never be anything more than that, you have me thinking that I can never be loved and that I will always be hated and unloved, you have me thinking that I'm unwanted and that's all I'll ever be like all I am is some tool or toy to everyone and I'll never be anything more. I mean you guys have me thinking I'll only be able to help people if I die, because the world would be better off without me if you guys are also better off without me right, that you guys would be so much happier without me and you wish I had never come back because life was better for you guys when I was gone even if it was just for a week.