Hidden Feelings Book 1 (Poetry) (Journaling)

Journal Entry 30

I don't want to be broken anymore. I don't want to be confused about life anymore either, let alone feeling pain all my life to this day. I mean I've felt broken and been pretending to be fine all my life, I don't even know when it all started maybe before what I experienced as a little girl or after or during I have no clue. I guess I never noticed till now and maybe i knew just what was wrong with me, why they choose me and hurt me and ruined me. I mean I know it came along sometime in my messed up and dark childhood, but when exactly I have no clue. I mean I feel like I know and maybe I do, but we'll never know till my mind is ready to let me know I guess. I mean I'm not even sure what started all this pain anymore, I mean I know no one wants me or needs me, and i'm just never important or worthy of anything let alone care and love and a life I guess. But you should know when a child grows up in that kind of environment their gonna be messed up, broken, in pain all the time and just hurting everyday wondering what they did wrong, why them, and why you couldn't love them or want them, why you left them, why you hurt them, why you kept them if you never wanted them in the first place, you know? I mean how do you expect a child to grow up in that kind of family, in that house with them all the time, in that kind of messed up environment huh?? I mean for me I know I'm messed up I'm hurting I have so many questions that I should never have, and I know it's all my fault because that's just what I grew up hearing and it's the only thing I know I mean I know there's something wrong with me clearly otherwise you might actually want me and love me and not hate me and hurt me everyday, I know I deserve it all but I wish I didn't so that way I could feel the love, care and worth of a family but I guess that just wasn't meant to happen to me was it. Though i can never quite figure out what it is that's wrong with me, I mean I don't really think there's something wrong with me but there must be or did you never love me to begin with, I mean I know deep down there has to be something wrong with me because every other kid I see get love from there family they get taken care of and their older than me, they still get goodnight kisses from their mothers but me I have to take care of myself and if I don't show any care for you I'm selfish but if I show you care I'm a fake and a liar so no matter what I do it's like it's never good enough for you like I will never be good enough for you guys yet you still have me trying to be good enough even though deep down I know if I can't be good enough for you now, I never will be good enough, and you guys don't care for me and the only reason you do when you do its because it's required by the government because when you had me and decided to keep me you signed a contract basically that makes it so you have to take care of me or you'll be in trouble with the law and you only take care of me because you don't want to get into trouble with the law and you haven't given me goodnight kisses sense I was a young child and even then they always felt fake to me. And maybe I do know whats wrong with me I just don't wanna accept that answer whatever it may be.