Hidden Feelings Book 1 (Poetry) (Journaling)

Journal Entry 43

Rayen: Good morning from my end 😇.

Me: hey morning.

I mean afternoon but barely.

How are you?

Oh yeah I also posted our conversation in my book and people loved it, and they say it helps them find hope.

They told me I'm very lucky to have a father figure like you and your an amazing person, someone actually said this to me in my email after I posted this conversation.

Rayen: Hey kiddo, how did you sleep? How are you feeling? You gave people hope and inspiration. Please do thank you readers for appreciating my support towards you and also for supporting my kiddo for the battles she has fought in, let them know that all the little kindness and support will one day turn into an ocean of it for my kiddo and she will see that the war has finally been won by her.

Me: Hey I'm doing alright, I slept ok I had trouble staying asleep because I got scared to close my eyes but I'll make it through one of these days, and yeah I guess you were right and yeah I'll let them know.

Rayen: U don't need to get scared anymore, think of me before you go to sleep, I'll always stand guard for you while you sleep peacefully without the fear of anything or anyone in the world.

Me: You promise?

Rayen: I cross my heart and hope to die✌️, your daddas here for you, he always will be, I can't be present physically but I'll always be there, in your heart with you.

Me: Thank you for being here for me, I know we don't know each other that well but thank you.

Rayen: Well, we have a lot of time for that and what matters is the connection, is all. So stop thanking your dad, your my responsibility, you don't need to thank me for it.

Me: Really? But my parents told me I need to be grateful they take care of me that I need to find a way to thank them in the future, because they said they could have easily threw me out so I should be happy they kept me, so when you say I don't need to worry you make no sense to me, sorry.

Rayen: Idk who your talking about cuz that's not what parents do, your parents think they've done great deal so far, guess what, they suck at being parents. U owe them nothing, producing kids is not all parents do, I wish their parents knew about condoms, they wouldn't be there, that would have been better.

Me: Oh, I thought that kids are supposed to be grateful for being born isn't that how it works, and we find ways to thank our parents because they could have easily not had us right? I've never known parents are supposed to be different, my parents aren't like what you say, me and my siblings take care of them and we take care of each other as well. Like we help them make food sometimes and other times we make food for them and we help whenever they ask, like when daddy gets off work we give him massages on his legs and feet just like he asks us to because he has knee problems and walks around a lot at work and we help our mom too, and help her to take care of herself and such. And then I help my sister's not fight and do their school work, and to make sure they eat and do their chores and also go to bed on time. I mean isn't this how a families supposed to be? I mean I still do my chores as well and go to work and school, and I pay for their stuff and food sometimes.

I thought this is what a families supposed to be like.

Rayen: Exactly why you don't owe your parents anything. Bringing a child into this world and raising it are one of the biggest responsibilities in life and considering what your god forsaken brothers did, oh God trust me, had I been your biological father, they would have either been in the hospital or jail. That's the upbringing your parents have given them so I'm sorry to say, your parents don't deserve shit from you.

Me: oh, um ok. So what are parents really then sense you said their not how my parents say they are? I wanna know what parents really are then. If you don't mind telling me.

Rayen: being your dad from the time you were born, your safety would be my first priority, your education, your happiness, the love you need to get and deserve, just like a princess. The world is full of predators, so when I'm not around tomorrow, making you aware of the do's and don'ts, when to do what and how exactly how to do it, sit and hear you out when you seem troubled or in a problem, the time to time father daughter bonding, the proudness when you go to college, your graduation, this is what parents do, these kinds of parents, expect nothing in return but your happiness, no matter what life you choose for yourself, all they care about, is whether or not it's safe for you and if your happy in it.

Me: ohh, well that sounds much better than what I have. Mommy and daddy never seem proud of what I do, they just compare me to my younger sisters who are considered geniuses in school only, they wonder why I'm not smart like they are, why I'm not as responsible as I should be, why I'm not as good as them at cooking and sewing, or why I'm not good at making stuff but I don't understand why I have to be as good as someone else to be good enough for them. I hurts to be compared with others all the time but you get used to it after a while, I still hate how my parents compare me to everyone who's better than me at something that they want me to be good at, it's like if I'm not the perfect daughter or someone they want me to be I'll never be good enough for them. But all I've ever wanted was for mommy and daddy to love me be proud of me and see that I'm trying my best in life.

Rayen: All fingers cannot be the same, wish mommy and daddy understood that, the talent and uniqueness you have, your sisters don't so mommy and daddy's mentality can go take a hike. It's your life alone, you've been through enough to take all this, parents are a kids safe haven, if the parents can't even provide that, their not parents at all, each and every parent in this world needs to understand that, if they can't, then there's no use calling themselves parents.

Me: So, I don't need to call them my parents? I mean there was a time I did and a time where I still wanted to and I also wanted them to want me and love me like they do my siblings, but I've been through so much like you've said and I don't want them to be my parents anymore or apart of my life either, so is that really ok if I cut them out of my life like that after all they've provided for me??

Rayen: Providing for you is their sole purpose, their not doing a favor for you, many may not agree with me but yes, looking at your situation, it's perfectly alright to cut them off completely, you don't need such toxic parents in your life.

Me: ok, I always wondered if I'd be a bad person for cutting them out of my life, but I believe what you say, and I know you said to stop thanking you but thank you for helping me and being with me.

Rayen: Well, like I said, daddy doesn't want your thank you, just your happiness 🤗.

Me: Ok, I have one last question.

Do you think I could be a good mom someday??

Me and my boyfriend were wanting to start a family one day and I'm scared I won't be a good enough mom.

Rayen: Good one?? I bet you'll be the best mom kiddo, you have so much to offer, you have been through so much, you will know how and what to do for your own kids, you just need to continue being the strong woman you are, is all.

Me: Ok, I appreciate that you think that way of me, so I'll try to think that way of myself as well, and I'm already happy but I'm even more happy now that I have you.

Rayen: You will always have me, no more fears, just happy smiles, all the way 😇 I wanna see my grandkids soon though 🤗.

Me: Ok sure, you'll see them before your 40 😂.

Rayen: I hope so kiddo.

Me: Ok, well I'm gonna go now ok, I'll talk to you again soon.

I hope you have a good rest of your day.

Rayen: U to kiddo, take care 😇🤗.