Memories ~ Attack on Titan

Chapter thirty five

I felt anger towards Reiner, but the longer we sat in silence i I started to feel something else. Hurt. We sat in silence for another while, then Eren started moving around and breathing heavily, almost like he was hyperventilating. I crawled over to him, "hey, Eren, calm down." But Eren ignored me, then he lifted what was left of his arms and yelled, "what the hell! My arms!" I looked at him pleading, I needed him to keep his cool so I could keep mine. I was so overwhelmed with emotion that his outburst might just drive me over the edge. Suddenly Ymir interrupted Eren's moment, "Eren, I uh, I'm not in any better shape here. Seems we're both having a shit say. At least Rin got to keep all her limbs, lucky her I guess." Eren calmed down a bit but he was still shaking, I put a hand on his leg and he looked at me surprised. I wasn't sure how else to comfort him honestly, but I wanted to try at least. Eren's eyes seemed to soften and lose there anxiety when they met mine, then he looked to Ymir, "Ymir, what happened to me?" A voice from across the trees answered, "sorry, that was uh..my fault. You sm blame your injuries on me. Sorry, guess I was in a bit of a hurry back there. Bit your nape without thinking about your arms, at least you'll regenerate tho, in time. Just glad we were able to at least keep one of you in one peace." Eren looked down, he looked almost sad. Not the look I expected from him in this situation. Erne sighed, "is that right. So. I lost then." We all sat silently for a minute. I was staring daggers into Reiner. He could feel it and looked back at me, his eyes tried to look intense but I saw what looked like sadness. Suddenly I jerked around to look at Eren who bit the area where his hand should be. "Eren!" I yelled pulling his arm down. "Don't do that. You're not strong enough, we don't know where we're at or the others. You need to think things through better." Ymir laugh a little, "she's right hot head, so take it easy. Look where we are. This is the giant forest within wall Maria. Wall Rose is leagues away. And that means..we're deep in the heart of Titan country. You see? I think our buddy down there is an abnormal. It may look like he's just laying back but those eyes haven't left us once. Lost it smaller ones down there too. That's bad enough. Another big one over there. Watching but keeping his distance. Strikes me as the sky type. And then their are these two chumps." Ymir looked over at me and shook her head, "you see these dirty bastards? They had the foresight to suit up in full gear. Course Reiner took Eren's." She looked over at Eren and threw an arm over his shoulder, "my point is, charging into battle and changing into a Titan isn't gonna accomplish anything right now. One, they can do the same thing if they want. Two, they could just zip into the trees is not. Three, you could hurt Rin in the process, she's sitting awfully close and remember, she can't transform. And four, we're basically surrounded on all sides. Power or not, getting out of this would be tricky as hell. You get it? There's nothing to gain from being a dumbass."
What she said made since. But still, doing nothing felt worse then doing something when the odds aren't in our favor. I looked down at my lap, "so then what? We do nothing?" We all jumped a little when we heard Reiners voice, "that's right, do nothing. Ymir's right. Neither of you can turn into a Titan anyway, doing count on your ability to rescue you right now. Your body can only take so much, it's to preoccupied trying to heal at the moment. Besides, I won't let you risk Rin's safety." I felt my blood boil when he said that, I stood up and let out all my frustration, "My safety? Don't worry about me Reiner I'll be just fine, you're the one who needs us coming to your rescue all the time. You're pathetic, you're really trying to be some lone leader right now? You're a joke! Don't make me laugh, you're a selfish prick who doesn't care about anyone but himself! Stop pretending to care about my well-being, it's sad and pathetic! You really want to be the leader now? Don't make me laugh," I yelled, but Reiner kept his composer. His eye twitched but he stayed calm and still. "Rin," he said harshly. I scoffed, "don't say my name, it sounds so ugly coming out of your mouth. I'm so tired of hearing your voice." I took a moment to breath, then I turned to look down at Eren, he looked straight ahead at Reiner then scoffed, "yea, nice try. You expect us to just sit here and take the word of a liar?"
He's right. No way in hell I'm going to just sit her and allow myself to be kidnapped, not again. My father will be coming for us and when he gets here with my gear, these boys better be saying their prayers.
Ymir sighed, "yea well, we're sorta at a disadvantage here you two. It's not like we know the ins and outs of how this works. I'm basically clueless here. Hey, Reiner, you said you'd start talking when Eren and Rin woke up. It's about time somebody explained what you plan on doing with us, Don't you think?"
It was silent for a moment. Those ten seconds of silence were torcher. Then Reiner's voice broke it, "we're taking  you to our hometown. Of course I realize none of you are gonna do as I ask. Rin and Eren made that one clear. But like Ymir was saying, this place is crawling with titans. Everywhere. We could beat the shit out of each other all we want, but I wouldn't recommend it. Our friends down below look hungry. Now, we wait for night fall."
That made no since, why cousins Reiner stay a Titan and that run us all the way there? Why all this? Sure seems like he's putting a lot of thought into this so he must have really thought this through, but still. "So why didn't hug just stay a Titan? Run us all the way home. Seems like a lot of hassle, what's the point in stoping here?" I asked Reiner, staring up at the man in front of me. He looked back down at me, the sun was setting leaving an almost angelic glow on his skin and making his blond hair appear darker and shiner. Reiner looked down at me with the same intensity, "use your imagination," he said coldly. I sighed, knowing I'm not going to get any kind of answer out of him. I break eye contact and look town at my lap.
If only Bertolt and Reiner would step away, go to the bathroom or something. Give us 5 minutes to strategize. We could come up with something, reckless maybe but someway to get us out. If Eren could assume Titan form he could carry Ymir and i back to the wall if he ran. But could Reiner chase us?
Ymir cleared her throat, "so we're just gonna sit on our asses till night fall?" Reiner responded, "possibly." Then it hit me, my dad and the others. They would be here soon, they had to be on the way, trying to find us. They're all okay, they have to be.
Then I realized something else, "wait, those titans at the castle had no problem moving at night." Ymir chimes in, "yea, so what's stoping these guys from doing the same?" Reiner sighed, "these titans can't move after dark. But then you know all about that, right, Ymir?"Eren and I both looked at Ymir.
Ymir's always been hard to read. Who's side is she on anyway? Why is she here?
We sat there in silence for what felt like forever. Just listening to the wind, watching the sun set and counting the moments until our impending doom. Suddenly the silence was broken by Ymir, "hey Reiner, got any water? I'm dying over here." I stretched my arms out over my head, "yea same, common help some girl our. It's hot." Reiner rolled his eyes, "sorry, theirs not a hell of a lot I can do. Even if it is life or death." I groaned loudly and Ymir sighed. "That's comforting, at least we now know where we stand. Sorta," Ymir said sarcastically. Reiner looked of into the distance now, "yea, we've been working our asses off. No food, no water, no sleep, nothing. Ever since the titans showed up. That was yesterday right? Man, we're lucky the wall wasn't distorted. Still, you'd think that means they'd give us a break. And don't even get me started on a promotion."
What the hell, what the hell is he talking about? Is he trying to fuck with us? Mess with our heads?
Bertolt spoke up for the first time since we've been here, "what the hell.." Reiner looked at him confused, "what? Awe common. I don't think that's too much to ask. God knows we've don't our share of the heavy lifting. All things considered. I mean I get we're soldiers. Duty first, it's just nice to be acknowledged." We all started at Reiner, confused. I frowned my brows, "have you..gone off the deep end? What the hell are you saying?" Ymir scoffed, "seriously, you tho your head or something?" Reiner wiped his forehead and looked at his hand, "ugh common. Don't give me that. I'm not staying we barge in and demand the rank of captain or whatever." I looked at him like he was crazy, hell he was crazy, I raised my voice now, "no. That's not what we mean." Reiner groaned, "oh yea. Where you guys find that cannon by the way? I owe you one Ymir for saving my bacon. It was really nice if Christa to patch me up afterwards. I'm starting to think me and her might become a thing." I scoffed, he really has lost his mind. "Hey," Eren said gruffly. Reiner laughed, "see, it's  not just me. She always treats me different. Like we're-" Eren stood up now, "HEY! What's wrong with you? Are you kidding me?" Reiner looked so confused, what right did he have to be confused? After what he's putting us through. Reiner looked at Eren with that same confused look, "what? What are you so pissed of about all the sudden?take it easy man, was it something I said?" Eren kept yelling, "if you wanna die just keep talking man!" I put my arm out in front of Eren, "hold on Eren." Ymir laughed, "yea, I think someone's gonna off the deep end for real. Is that what this is Bertolt? If you know something we don't, how's a good time to put it on the table." We all stared daggers into Bertolt now, expect for Reiner who looked at Bertolt with hurt and confusion. Bertolt Face held a different expression tho, he looked sad, like he had given up. Bertolt let out a heavy breath, "Reiner. Stop, snap out of it. You're not a soldier, okay? You and I...we're warriors." Reiners breaths quivered and he seemed almost in a state of panic. His hands and head begun to shake and he looked as thought he could pass out. The friend in me wanted to rush  to his aid, but my hatred for the liar and trader in front of me wouldn't allow it. It was event on everyone's faces tho, Reiners behavior was concerning. Reiner blankly stared into the distance for a while, his eyes looked like he was witnessing the most gruesome thing imaginable. Then, his eyes softened, and the hardened into a frown again. His gruff voice sounded almost unnatural when he finally spoke, "right. I see. That's how things are." Then he said down on his knees, and started to cry. This made me feel almost uncomfortable, I've never seen Reiner as anything but a pillar of strength. It was strange, watching my old friend, my captor, break down like this. Eren and I stood, staring at him. "What the hells he doing," Eren whispered. I softly shook my head, "no idea." Ymir joined in, speaking louder then our whispers, "I have an idea, at least I think so. It didn't add up at first, why would the man who broke the wall risk his life to save Conny? It's like the poor idiots personally is, severed. Everything he does is a contradiction in terms. He can't help it. On one hand, he's a warrior bent on pushing man kind passed the brink. On the other hes pretending to be a soldier. I'm thinking he got a little too lost in the role. See, he can't resolve those facets of himself. Can't bear the weight of what he's done. He thinks he's a soldier. This is what you call a split personality. He's gone insane. And judging by Bertolts expression this isn't the first time he's done this. Blows me away. Someone as brutally honest as you losing their grip-" suddenly she was cut off by the loud sound of Reiners yelling. It made me jump, I've never heard the man raise his voice before, "SHUT UP! Not another word!" Ymir seemed taken back for a moment but her surprised expression quickly turned into a smirk, "I'm sorry, I must have hit a nerve." Ymir's attitude was really starting to piss me off, taunting our captors? Really? She's a joke. Eren growled, "is this a joke? Where do you get off pretending to be the victim? you're really wallowing in self-pity? How dare you, really, what was going through your head The day I told you my story, huh? do you remember, don't you Bertolt? I'm talking to you idiot. I told you everything. you sat there and looked at me dead in the eye, you watched me relive seeing my mother be eating alive. don't you remember? well it just happens that the chunk of wall that you carelessly kicked out fell on top of our house. that's what kept her from running away. does that take you back? i'll ask you again, what was going through your head when I told you my story?"
Bertolt looked at Eren then looked away again down at the ground below us, at the Titans calling at the bottom of the tree, he sighed, " want me to be completely honest with you? in the moment I felt... Kind of sorry for you." Eren stood silence, looking at the boy in front of him on the tree branch. Ymir sat next to him also looking in the direction of the two boys in front of us. I stood next to Eren, my chest felt tight and I could feel my heart beating faster. This is the most I've ever heard Bertolt speak. The thought of what he had to say fascinated yet terrified me. Some thing about him was more terrifying than Reiner. I always knew what to expect from Reiner, but not Bertolt. It was silent for another moment, The silence was sickening and almost deafening. Eren let out a raspy breath, His eyes were bulging and you could see all the emotions falling around in his brain," sorry for me? So then. You're not... you're not soldiers, or warriors. All you are is just murderers. You're psychotic, mass murderers who snuff out the lives of countless innocent people. They never did anything wrong." Reiner raised his voice again, causing me to jump, " don't you think I'm aware of that! I don't need you to shove that down my throat damnit!" Erne lunged forward and came at Reiner with the same amount of anger, "then stop acting like you have any right to feel sorry for yourself! We're living in hell, and you two created it! Are you proud of yourselves? you've never been one of us! you're not even human anymore!" Reiner retorted with even more anger this time, " do you want some kind of apology? Is that what you're hoping to get out of calling us murderers and monsters? Do you want to take the blame? Feel bad? Who do you think you're talking to? The people you thought you knew don't exist! They're dead!" Eren's eyes were filled with nothing but sadness now, the hatred had left them and they were filled with nothing but sorrow. I felt my heart sink at Reiners words. The friends that I knew and loved so much was now gone, or maybe he never existed. And when I cared for and spent so much time coming to love was gone. I felt hatred, Sadness, anger, fear, but mostly I felt betrayed and I felt at a loss. I don't even know what to say, but my heart really hurt. Everyone was silent for a while, no one did speak or even know what to say. Reiner stood there, panting. After what felt like an eternity, Eren broke the silence. " you're right. What do I know? Who am I? but still I have to do something, at this point anything. I swear to you, one way or another, The two of you will pay. And it's going to hurt like hell." after he was done talking, Ymir didnt take long to speak up, " you can't be for real. Eren, grow up. if you keep spouting off childish bullshit like that then there's no hope for you." Ymir looked away from Eren. Eren still held the same angry expression on his face, he seem to have calm down a bit. If your hatred and sadness leaving his eyes, moment to show and mild frustration. I felt like I didn't exist, I felt like a ghost. I wish I was a ghost, I wish I could fly away from all of this. It doesn't even feel real anymore, any people do I have to lose before the universe decides enough is enough? I miss my dad, I miss Jean. I keep hoping that I'll close on eyes and open them again and I'll be laying back in my old bed. The one from the headquarters where I grew up. Some days I hope they'll just wake up and be laying next to Isabell again, this is one of those times. How did things get so bad? but I knew I had to do something, while I was here I had to ask questions, I had to do what I could to get answers. An opportunity, and opportunity for me to help  the others, to learn something. I cleared my throat and open my mouth expecting words to come out but nothing did, I choked back the words that I was meaning to say, was an intentional. my head feel like it was going to explode, finally was able to force out my question. I used the most steady voice possible attempting to hide my shaking, " tell me something with you, What's with that giant monkey? Or the best might I say." Reiner looked at me with A hint of surprise before his eyes hardened again, he spoke with pure confusion at my question, " monkey? What the hell are you talking about?" I looked away running my hands through my hair , That was an hour and a half ponytail hardly even considered a ponytail at this point, " huh, I really thought for sure you know. That's surprising honestly. The way you guys were drooling over him back in the tower, it seem like we might be seeing some kind of living legend. but I guess not. Weird." Eren looked down at me, he seemed a little annoyed and confused, " A monkey? Seriously?" I rolled my eyes, still feeling like I was helping an out of body experience. I closed my eyes for a moment, we live in watching that giant beast walking back-and-forth sluggishly out of the castle, It felt like he was taunting me. " shut up and listen," i hissed, " beast, monkey, whatever, he was definitely behind that last fiasco. He has to be the reason why Titans are appearing out of nowhere. I have a bad feeling about him, like he's trying to gauge strength or something. Reiner and Bertolt are trying to take us wherever he is. that's how they plan to get back home. but boys, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong." Erne gasped, I could tell by the looks on Reiner and Bertolts faces that I wasn't far off. I knew something was off with him, the minute I saw that beast and knew something was wrong. He was too much like Erin, too much like the armored and colossal. Anything like any of them before, and I lived with the top titan researcher within the walls. No one had said anything like them before. I knew there was something special about him, if he was on our side why would he be standing idly by while we were all slaughtered? He wasn't on our side. Eren looked at me with amazement, " wait a second. Rin, how would you even know that? are you keeping some kind of secret from me too?" Ymir sighed and snapped at Eren, " be patient with you. Honestly she's not far off, I came to the same conclusion myself. We're all caught up in circumstances of our own, especially me right now." This only made Eren more angry, he raised his voice louder now, " what the hell is that supposed to mean?" I sighed, feeling Ymir's same frustration. But I had no words to describe it. Ymir close her eyes for a moment before opening them and looking at Eren, in the commest wish she could manage she spoke to him,"Eren, if you think killing those two morons i'll put a stop to any of this, you're mistaken." Eren grunted with more anger, " continue who the hell is the enemy here?" Ymir started again, trying to stay calm, " look if I told you-" but her words were cut off by Reiner, "Ymir, there's no future for this world and you know it!" Ymir Gasped. She looked almost scared at his words. Their eyes you showed that she knew exactly what he meant, but they were something going on here that neither Eren nor I were part of, something that we couldn't possibly understand in the moment. Reiner kept speaking, He spoke with this intensity,something I've never seen before with him until today, "you have a solid grip on things, so what do you think comes next? joining our side won't be out of the question if you're so inclined to do so." Ymir returned back to her normal smirk and sarcastic attitude, she scoffed, " and put my face in the two of you idiots? That's rich. besides, neither of you trust me as far as you can throw me right now." Reiner rolled his eyes, her statement was obviously true but Reiner wasn't gonna allow us to believe that, " come on now. That's not true. We know what you really want. all you care about is protecting Christa." Ymir seemed and shocked at Ranner's words. of course, we knew what he was saying was true, she was the one that Ymir cared about most. The only one that she cared about. Then Ryan are continued," if we can all agree on that, I don't see what the issue is. i'm being completely serious here. is it so hard to believe it that we want whats best for her too? I hate to break it to you, but you're not the only one. but then again go ahead and put your trust in Eren, see how far that gets you." Eren Seem to get ticked off again by Renner's comment. I didn't blame him though, his speech was pretty annoying. It frustrated me that I couldn't find the words to say to him, they couldn't make him shut up. But what can I even do in this moment? Antagonize my captures? Death gets me nowhere, if I die here then what? Nothing.Eren growled, "What?" Ymir's Eyes landed on Eren. Even I could feel her intense stare on him, and had nothing to do with me. She closed her eyes for a moment before Reiner continue to taunt her with his words. " right now you're probably leaning towards escape, right? do you think it's better to take a chance with him then to try to run with us. because if we end up taking you there's not much of a hope and being rescued. i'll be straight with you, that much is very true. even if you came willingly, we're in no position to guarantee your safety. but if it's Christa we're talking about, we might be able to do something about that. But that's your call. So what's it gonna be? Is it her future? Are your own miserable existence?" is there really no future for this world? Have we been fighting for nothing this whole time? I know the monkey fits into this but how? I need answers, but how am I even to get them? If I could talk to Reiner or one on one, maybe I could persuade him to give me the truth. But I'm not sure, The Reiner I knew never existed. And I'm not sure if this new one has any kind of a soft spot for me, for all I know I could be disposable to him. But the question still remains, why am I even here in the first place? I know he must know about me, about my power and what I can do. How he knows he still mystery to me. But how could a power like mine have any used to him? Have anything been thing to do but destroy humanity, breaking the walls, whatever it is their end goal is. How can I possibly fit into any of this? I was so lost and thought that I nearly fell out of the tree when I heard Eren yell, " come clean already! Who's the real enemy here? tell me what you know!" I looked around at the three others, Reiner, Bertolt, Ymir, yeah looks so empty, almost like their insides have died. Eren's Held nothing but anger, but the others just looked sad. They looked so sad, and intense. They had a painted on scowl and the sadness and anger mixed within their eyes. No one answered Erens question. Ymir painted on her usual attitude, I could tell it was on act though. She was just scared and hurt as everybody else. She said her casual Voice, " couldn't say." Eren's Face stayed filled with the same anger. Reiner and Bertolt suddenly jumped down a branch, " Okay then, sorry Eren." Suddenly he was cut off mid sentence by the sound of gunshots in the distance. My heart stopped at the sound, there was no way. But it was them, it had to be. They were here for us. everyone seemed in shock, how could we not be? Reiner and Bertolt had trouble hiding The shock and panic from their faces. It was clear they didn't expect reinforcements to come so quickly, or even at all. I looked for in the distance where the sound was coming from. Tall thin lines of green smoke shuts right up in the sky, and there still pretty far away but not far enough to not be seen. I feel a sudden rush of relief, but also fear. I refuse let the fear be Shown on my face. I tried to focus on my anger, and my hatred for the boys in front of me. I tried to allow that expression to stay on my face. Thinking about my revenge, thinking about all the things I want to do to them. Thinking about making them feel the same Palin made me feel. Taking out all the emotional pain that they have put it on me onto them physically. I wanted them to know what it felt like, do you have your whole life ripped away. I wanted them to know every agonizing second of it. Reiner turn back to us with a panic expression, "son of a bitch," he said himself. there's only one hour left until sunset, give or take a few minutes. My only hopes is that they would make it in time. I've never been one to rely on others , That's not how my dad taught me. But in this moment I was just so relieved, I feel so small and helpless next tall is Titans. Know that they could all crush me in any moment. If I had my gear, they both be dead by now. Dead and I will be laying in my bed, or maybe eating hot soup. Or maybe even enjoying a nice and embrace from Jean, I missed him. In times like these I don't usually think about others, but people that I miss. But seeing the smoke reminded me of him, I'm sure he's worried sick. I'm sure everybody is. I'm just ready to go home, but I'm also entirely prepared to slaughter the boys in front of me. I've been ready for hours, to make them feel the same pain they made me feel these past years.