The Weapons Guy

Red Gets a Delivery

Simmons, Grif and Ash, with his arms covered in black soot, run up to Sarge.

"Hurry up, ladies." Sarge tells them. "This ain't no ice cream social."

"Ice cream social?" Simmons asks. The three soldiers look to each other.

"Stop the pillow talk, you two." Sarge says to Simmons and Grif. Then he looks to Ash. "And with the experimenting. Anyone...want to guess...why I gathered you here....today?"

"Uh..." Grif starts. "Is it because the war's over and you're sending us home?"

"That's exactly it, Private." Sarge says with sarcasm. "War's over. We won. Turns out you're the big hero, and we're gonna hold a parade in your honor. I get to drive the float. Ash is handling the fireworks and Simmons here is in CHARGE OF CONFETTI!"

"I'm no stranger to sarcasm, sir."

"God DAMN it, Private! Shut your mouth, or else I'll have Ash here build a rocket and have him launch it at Blue base!"

Ash gets excited. "Oh, I can see it now! It'll be 20 feet and 6 inches in length. 24.4 in diameter. With a conventional, 1,000 pounds of high explosives. It'll have a Williams International F107-WR-402 turbofan engine. A wing span of 8 feet and 9 inches. With an operational range of 1,550 miles. Flight altitude of 98-165 feet. A Maximum speed of MACH 0.74!" Ash looks to Sarge. "Oh, please let me do it, Sarge. Let me blow Grif up!"

Grif takes a step back from Ash.

"Soon, Ash. Soon." Sarge tells Ash. "Couple of things today, ladies. Command has seen fit to increase our ranks here at Blood Gulch Outpost Number One."

"Crap." Grif says. "We're getting a rookie."

"That's right, dead man. Our new recruit will be here within the week. But today, we received the first part of our shipment from Command."

Simmons, Grif and Ash look to each other then back to Sarge.

"Lopez." Sarge turns around. "Bring up the vehicle."

A soldier in brown armor, drives a Warthog up to the group. Lopez gets out of the Warthog.

"Shotgun!" Simmons yells.

"Shotgun!" Ash and Grif yell a second after. "Fuck."

Sarge shows off the new car. "May I introduce our new light reconnaissance vehicle." He looks to the three. "It has four-inch armor plating, mag bumper suspension, a mounted machine-gunner position, and total seating for three. Gentlemen! This is the M12 LRV! " Then Sarge gets happy. "I like to call it the 'Warthog.'"

"Why 'Warthog', sir?" Simmons asks.

"Because the M12 LRV is too hard to say in conversation, son."

"No, but..." Grif starts. "why 'Warthog'?"

"I'm hungry now." Ash mumbles to himself.

Grif continues. "I mean, it doesn't really look like a pig."

"Say that again?" Sarge says to Grif.

"I think it looks more like a puma."

"What in Sam hell is a Puma?"

"Uh, you mean like the shoe company?" Simmons asks.

"The tank?" Ash asks.

"No, like a puma." Grif says to them. "It's a big cat, like a lion.

Sarge stares at Grif. "...You're makin' that up.

"I'm telling you, it's a real animal!"

Sarge turns to Simmons. "Simmons, I want you to poison Grif's next meal."

"Yes, sir!"

Sarge goes over to the Warthog and motions to the tow hooks. "Look, see these two tow hooks? They look like tusks." He looks back to the three. "And what kind of animal has tusks?"

"A walrus." Grif says.

"Didn't I just tell you to stop making up animals?"

Up with Church and Tucker.

"What is that thing?" Tucker asks Church.

"I don't know. It looks like, uh..." He lowers the sniper. "looks like they got some kind of car down there. We better get back to base and report it."

"A car? How come they get a car?"

Church looks to Tucker. "What are you complaining about, man? We're about to get a tank in the very next drop."

"You can't pick up chicks in a tank."

"Oh, you know what? You could bitch about anything, couldn't you? We're gonna get a tank, and you're worried about chicks. What chicks are we gonna pick up, man? And secondly, how are you gonna pick up chicks in a car that looks like that?"

Tucker looks back to the car. "What kind of car is it?"

Church takes out the sniper and looks through the scope. "I don't know, I've never seen a car like that before. It looks like a, uhh... like a big cat of some kind."

Tucker thins for a few seconds then turns to Church. "What, like a puma?"

"Yeah man, there you go."

Back down with the reds.

"So unless anybody has any more mythical creatures to suggest as a name for the new vehicle, we're gonna stick with the Warthog." Sarge looks to Grif. "How about it, Grif?"

Grif responds with dejected. "No, sir. No more suggestions."

"Are you sure? How 'about Bigfoot?"

"It's okay."

"Unicorn?"

"No, really. Uh, I'm cool."

"Sasquatch?"

"Leprechaun?" Simmons says.

"Oh, oh, how about a Dragon!" Ash suggests.

Grif looks to the two. "Hey, he doesn't need any help, guys."

"Phoenix?" Sarge suggests.

Grif sighs. "Christ."

Sarge looks to Simmons. "Hey, Simmons! What's the name of that Mexican lizard? Eats all the goats?"

"Uh, that would be the Chupacabra, sir."

Sarge looks to Grif. "Hey, Grif! Chupa-thingy, how 'about that? I like it. Got a ring to it."

"How about, a Griffon?" Ash suggests.

Grif looks to Ash. "Just. shut up, man."

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06-27-2022