The Weapons Guy

Head Noob in Charge

At Blue base

"Yeah, I'll let you in on a little secret." Church tells Tucker and Caboose. "I've uh... I've actually got a girl back home."

"Oh yeah? Girlfriend or Wife?" Tucker asks.

"No, man, she's just my girlfriend, you know? We were gonna get married, but... I got shipped out, and... ah, you know how it works."

"Oh, well, are you gonna marry her when you get back?"

Caboose speaks up. "I'm not gonna get married." Church and Tucker look to him. "My dad always said, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?'"

"Hey, rookie!" Church says with anger in his voice and he stands next to Tucker. "Did you just call my girlfriend a cow?"

"No, I think he called her a slut." Tucker says.

"I'll tell you what, noob. I could sit out here and listen to you insult my girlfriend all day long. But as it turns out, I got a lot more important job for you to do."

"Great." Caboose says.

"See, we've got this general."

"Right, the... general guy." Tucker goes along with Church.

"Who likes to come by and make random inspections of bases. So what I'm gonna have you do is, I'm gonna have you go in the base, and stand right next to the flag at attention. Just in case he decides to come by."

"When is he coming by?" Caboose asks.

"We never know." Tucker informs. "Could be today, could be a week from now."

"You want me to stand at attention for a week?"

"You know, you don't sound very grateful." Church says to Caboose. "This is the most important job at the whole base! You're going to be right there with the flag!"

"What's so important about the flag?"

"Aw, come on! Don't they teach you guys anything in training?"

"They didn't tell us anything about a flag. Why is it so important?"

"Because it's the flag, man. You know, it's th- it's the flag! It's..." Church looks to Tucker. "Tucker, you tell him why the flag is so important."

"Well, it's..." Tucker thinks for a sec. "it's complicated! Uh, it's blue, we're blue..."

"It's just important, okay?" Church tells Caboose. "Trust us. So when the general comes by, the first thing he's gonna want to do is inspect the flag."

"Right."

"So just go in there, you know, far away from us, and wait for him."

Caboose turns around and walks towards the base. But half way he stops and turns around. "Uh, how will I know when I see him?" He asks.

"There's only three of us out here, rookie." Tucker says. "He's going to be the guy that doesn't look like one of us."

"Now get in there and don't come out!" Church yells. Then he turns to Tucker. "Man! That guy is dumber than you are!"

"You mean he's dumber than YOU are."

"Wow, Tucker. That was a great comeback."

Caboose pops out of the base. "Uh, Mr. Church? Sir?"

"Oh, my God! WHAT?!" Church turns to Tucker. "Tucker, I swear, I'm gonna kill him!"

"Sorry about calling your girl a slut." Caboose apologizes. 

"ROOKIE! SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP!" Church yells and Caboose walks back into the base. "YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY! GET IN THERE!"

Tucker looks back at the tank and laughs and Church turns to him. Donut walks up behind them.

"Tucker? Are you laughin' at me?" Church asks Tucker.

"Excuse me, sir?" Donut speaks up. "Can I ask you a question?"

Church becomes extremely annoyed. "Dear God in heaven, rookie, if I turn around and you are not inside, I-I can't be held responsible for what I'm going to do to you!"

"What did I do?"

"ONE!"

"Aw, give me a break!"

"TWO!"

"Fine!" Donut turns around and runs into the base and comes across Caboose standing next to the blue flag.

"Wow!" Caboose is surprised. "You got here fast!"

"Why is everybody so freakin' rude in this canyon?" Donut asks Caboose.

"I'm not, sir! What can I do for ya?"

"Finally, someone with a little respect around here!"

"Yes, sir! I assume you're here because of this." Caboose looks to the flag.

"Wait. Is this all you have?"

Caboose looks back at Donut. "Uh, yes, sir. That's it!"

"Aw, man! This figures. Shit. What about elbow grease?"

"Um..."

"Headlight fluid?"

"Nope. All we have is the flag."

"Well, I can't go back empty-handed." Donut looks at the flag. "I guess I'll take that."

"Sure! That makes sense. I guess."

Donut picks up the flag. "Man. They're going to give me so much shit for coming back with just this stupid flag." Donut walks off while carrying the flag.

Back outside with Church and Tucker.

"Well, enough gabbing out of us." Church says. "Let's take this bad boy out for a spin. Go ahead and hop in, Tucker."

"Me? I can't drive that thing?"

"You're telling me you're not armor-certified?"

"I ca- I don't even know how to use the fuckin' sniper rifle! Don't you know how to drive that?"

"NO! Holy crap! Who is running this army?!"

Caboose walks out of the base. "Hey! Just wanted to let you know, the general stopped by and picked up the flag!"

"YEAH, OKAY. WHATEVER, MORON!" Caboose walks back into the base and Church continues talking to Tucker. "Why would they give us a tank if nobody here knows how to drive the damn thing?" Church then realizes what Caboose said. "Wait a second.  What did he just say?"

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06-27-2022