The Weapons Guy

The Rookies

At Red base Simmons, Grif and Ash are talking. Ash's armor is now all clean.

Simmons turns to Grif. "Hey, that's not exactly what happened."

"I remember it that way." Ash says.

"See, even Ash, agrees." Grif tells him. "You said, 'I'm not going to the Vegas quadrant,'" A soldier wearing red armor walks up the ramp. "and then the next thing I know, you're in an escape pod headed for--"

The soldier walks up to the three. "Excuse me, uh, sirs?"

"Sirs?" Grif asks as the three turn and see Donut. "Aw, crap."

"I was told to report to Blood Gulch Outpost Number One and speak to whoever's in charge?"

"Sorry, man. Sarge is at Command getting orders. Ain't nobody in charge today."

Simmons turns to Grif. "Actually, private, he left me in charge while he's gone."

Ash turns to Simmons. "That's not fair."

"You are such a kissass." Grif insults Simmons. 

"Also, he told me if I had any trouble from you I should-" Simmons clears his throat and does a horrible Sarge impressions. "'Get in the Warthog and crush your head like a tomato can.'"

Grif and Ash stare at Simmons for a few seconds.

"That was the worst impression..." Ash starts. "...Of all time."

Simmons looks to Donut. "Okay, rookie. What's your story?"

"Private Donut reporting for duty, sir." Donut introduces himself. "I'm ready to fight some aliens."

"Couple things here, rookie." Grif starts. "First off, Private Donut? I think somebody needs a new nickname."

"I once built a gun in the shape of a Donut." Ash says. "Then I got hungry and ate it. I coughed up blood for weeks." The three others stare at him. "What?"

Grif looks back to Donut. "Secondly, what's with the armor color?"

"This is the standard issue red." Donut informs Grif.

"Yeah, I know. Listen, only two kinds of people wear standard issue armor: officers and recruits. And since you're not threatening to gut me like a fish, you're probably not an officer."

Donut looks to Simmons and Ash. "Well, they're wearing red armor."

"My armor is scarlet." Ash states.

"And my armor is Maroon. Your armor is red." Simmons adds.

"Well, how do I get a different color of armor?"

Simmons sighs and looks to Grif and Ash. "I'll bet the Blues don't have to put up with this kind of crap."

Over to the Blues.

Tucker, Church and Caboose, the new guy, are all standing next to their new tank.

Caboose is off to the side; telling the two a story. "So I say to the guy, 'How are you gonna get the tank down to the planet?' And he goes... 'I'll just put it on the ship.' And I go... 'If you've got a ship that can carry a tank, why not just put guns on the ship and use it instead?'"

Tucker looks to Caboose. "Hey kid?"

"Yeah?"

"You're ruining the moment. Shut up."

"Oh. Okay. You got it, man."

Church speaks up. "You know what? I could blow up the whole goddamn world with this thing."

Back to the Reds.

Simmons looks to Donut. "Okay, Private Donut, here's the deal."

"I just refuse to call him Private Donut." Grif says.

"We could just call him, Private." Ash states.

Simmons continues. "We've got a very important mission for you. You think you can handle it?"

"Absolutely." Donut says with confidence. 

"We need you to go to the store and get two quarts of elbow grease."

"Yeah, and, uh, pick up some..." Grif thinks for a few seconds. "headlight fluid for the Puma, too."

"The what?" Donut asks.

"He means the Warthog." Simmons tells Donut.

"You do know where the store is, right, rookie?" Grif asks Donut.

"What? Uh- Yeah, of course I do! Sure, no problem."

"You should get going then." Ash says.

Donut turns around and walks the wrong way.

"Other way." Grif informs Donut.

"I knew that." Donut walks off towards the cliff. "Just got turned around, that's all."

Simmons, Grif and Ash walk over to the edge of base and watch Donut walk off.

Simmons turns to Grif and Ash. "How long do you think until he figures out there's no store?"

"I'd say... at least a week." Grif says.

"I'd say two." Ash says.

Over to Donut.

Donut walks up the trail that leads up the cliff, then he stops and looks back towards Red base.

"Elbow grease? how stupid do they think I am?" Donut says to himself. "Once I get back to base with that headlight fluid, I'm gonna talk to the Sergeant."

Donut continues towards Blue Base.

Over to the Blues.

"You know what?" Tucker starts. "Forget what I said before. We can definitely pick up chicks in this thing." He looks to Church. "Probably two or three chicks apiece."

Church turns to Tucker. "Oh man, listen to you! What are you going to do with two chicks?"

"Church, women are like Voltron. The more you hook up, the better it gets."

Back with the reds

"You two think that we were too mean to the kid?" Simmons asks Grif and Ash.

"Nah, he'll just wander around on the cliff for a few hours. What's the worst that could happen?" Grif says.

"The planet blows up?" Ash states.

Over to Donut.

Donut makes it near Blue base.

"Finally, there it is!" Donut notices the tank. "Oh, sweet! They sell tanks!" Donut walks towards them.

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06-27-2022