The Weapons Guy

Blunderball

At Red base.

Sarge is going over the plan. "It's very simple. We'll use a flea-flicker maneuver with a run-and-gun two-by-two approach, tactical ops will be- Aw, hell, who am I kiddin'. Grif, Donut, just go stand in the way of their bullets while me, The Insane and Simmons 2.0 sneak around back to grab Lopez."

"Sounds like a plan." Donut says with excitement.

Grif turns to Donut. "No, it doesn't." Donut looks to Simmons. "How about this time we try something that doesn't involve me being shot at or run over."

"Would electrified be okay?" Simmons asks.

"Being blown up?" Ash asks.

Grif turns to the two. "No!"

Simmons turns to Sarge. "Well, I'm out of ideas."

"Look, instead of just running straight into enemy gunfire like we usually do, why don't we try some reconnaissance this time?"

"You mean like spy stuff?" Donut asks. "That would be cool! I could wear a spy tuxedo..."

"No." Sarge says.

"With a hidden spy camera..." 

"No." Simmons says.

"Inside a tiny spy bowtie..."

"No." Ash says.

"Or I could wear a flower on my lapel..." 

"No!" Grif says.

"That sprays water in people's faces!"

"Shut up, Donut!" Simmons says.

Donut laughs. "Oh, man! No. Secret spy liquid." He laughs again. "That would be awesome!"

Everyone just stares at him.

"No!" Sarge, Simmons and Ash yell.

"Maybe!" Grif yells. "Uh, I mean.... nooooooo."

"Oh, come on! I could be Double-O-Donut!"

"You mean like Doonut?" Simmons asks.

"The license to thrill!" Donut says. "Or be thrilled!"

"Are we sure he's not the insane one?" Ash asks.

Sarge speaks up. "Alright, since you're both so into the idea, Grif, Donut, you're on recon. Find us a way to break into their base, and report back on the double."

"Great, more time alone with the idiot." Grif says.

Donut turns to Grif. "Grif, Grif, Grif-Grif-Grif-Grif-Grif. Let's pretend we're wearing super-spy jetpacks!" Grif sighs. "No, no-no-no, like this. Phschewschhhhhhhhhhhwewwww...."

"What the fuck."Ash mumbles.

A little later up on the cliffs.

Grif and Donut are up on the side of the cliff and Donut is still doing the jetpack imitation.

Grif turns to Donut. "Hey, can you not stop that for two seconds?"

Donut stops the jetpack noises. "Come on, Agent-" He clears his throat and talks in a slightly deeper voice. "Come on, Agent Grif. We've got to hurry if we want to save the princess from the evil goblin."

"What princess? I thought you were pretending to be in a spy movie." Grif asks.

"Look, my secret spy character gets to marry a beautiful princess in a castle, alright? Deal with it!"

"Donut, can you just go find some higher ground or something?" Grif asks.

"But we're on higher ground now."

"Why don't you use your jetpack to go to the highest ground?"

"Good idea! I bet the Blues won't think of that!"

"No, if they were that stupid, we probably would have won by now."

"Secret Agent Donut, to the rescue!" He yells and makes jetpack notices. "Phschewshhhhhhhhh...." Donut runs off.

"I could just shoot him." Grif talks to himself. "No one would ever have to know. No one."

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06-29-2022