STRUGGLING // SKEPHALO // DISCONTINUED, UNEDITED

1 - I stare at the knife uncomfortable.

in short:

this book has been in the works for about 2 years between 3 people, 2 of those people left and the 3rd really cant be bothered to continue this. enjoy this messy, assholely, scribble

this is discontinued. i dont plan to ever continue it. i hate it. vry and kay both agree to this being published months ago if it's suddenly unworked on. 
kat (me) is the only person who actively writes anymore and for months now ive been falling out of happyduo, dsmp, qsmp, whatever. im more in slimetwt and sorryboys, as well as musicals. i don't plan to ever return to happytwt

i do NOT support badboyhalo, dteam nor a6d.

please, i recommend therapy or a specialist if you still support them after all the fucked things they've done.

HUGE TW FOR SELF HARM. THE BIG GIST OF THIS BOOK IS SELF HARM.

enjoy.

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I stare at the knife uncomfortable. A desire to slit my wrists appeared, but I also knew I couldn't if I wanted to stay clean for stream today, especially for face camera. The reflection of the almost worn out knife called to me, begging to be used. I knew if I held off the urge, I'd have it for most of the stream, but if I done it now I could be caught.

That's worth the risk though, I'm gonna do it nevertheless.

Ripping off my sleeve, I begin to mark areas mentally of where to slit, the knife following them and cutting messily. The feeling of goodness and guilt began to flood in my brain, a weird sickening feeling following behind. My head began to explode with masochistic thoughts, encouraging to do more as well as praising me for doing this. Soon behind came the depression, calling me a sick bastard and how selfish this was, but it was too late to go back. Every single thought caused another mark, another feeling of glee. Then came the feeling of shame which made me stop almost instantly.

"What did I do..." I mutter as if I was struck by some short term memory loss or amnesia.

The cuts stung like wasp stings, but hurt better? I don't really know how to explain it. Refreshed, I go and find another hoodie as seeing my turtleneck sweater sleeve was basically wrecked and stained, plus the fleece would probably keep on consistently pricking at the slits and knowing me, I'd take it off.

I drop the knife then I scour the room as I took off the turtleneck. Once it was fully off, I just store at it, then looked at my wrist and cringed. Mumbling a couple of hateful comments to myself, I continue to look around for a hoodie. Then I saw a plain back hoodie that seemed to be clean and threw it on. Seeing as I was already delayed to the stream, I rush back to my set-up and begin it, turning on the BadBoyHalo persona.

"Hey guys!" I exclaim, waving to the stream with both of my hands, shooting a glance at my left arm, checking that it wouldn't fall. As soon as I got a feeling that it'd fall, I put my hands down and explain to the stream what I'd be doing. Mostly I'd just be hanging out with friends, asking each other questions and such, but for a little bit there were a couple things to address.

Joining me were Skeppy and A6d, officially reuniting the trio. A lot of it was just jokes, references and trolling. It felt nice, everything was back to what it was. A lot of people were happy to see that everything was normal, and it was fine, but others were spamming to express their discomfort.

You're failing your fans.

Lmfao no I'm not

(JKJK)

For a second, I felt uneasy, and for ten more I believed it. But then Skeppy made another funny joke and the thought passed. I was more quiet this stream, and it was reasonable why, after all I kind of did just slit my wrists and I kind of am still feeling a shit load of pain. Nobody asked about it though, so I was content. So once the time came around I was bummed to end the stream. I had to though, otherwise I'd probably blurt out something from being exhausted. I end the stream on a good note. Nothing bad happened, I think.

I sigh in relief, and announce that I was going to head off for the night. Skeppy and A6d say their goodbyes and I left almost instantly after. I pull down the hoodie sleeve to find messy cuts that had stopped bleeding. Hoping they were infected, I head to the bathroom to at least bandage them. Entering the bathroom, I drop the BadBoyHalo act and open up the emergency cabinet for bandages. I wrapped them tightly around my wrists, barely giving the cuts space to breathe.

Then I realised I really had nothing else to do, apart from sleep. So, I head to my bed and flop down onto it, not bothering to change, knowing I could just do it when I have a shower tomorrow.

If I feel like it.