STRUGGLING // SKEPHALO // DISCONTINUED, UNEDITED

24 - Vincent was a great friend, and it hurt so much when we found out he died.

BadBoyHalo
Vincent was a great friend, and it hurt so much when we found out he died. Love you Vincent and may you rest in peace💜💜

Skeppy
May Vincent rest in peace, love you V<3
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Nothing really happened for the next few days, it was just crying and having lazy days. Eventually I announced that I was going to take another break until things got a bit better. But the longer I distanced from social media the longer time went on. I knew Zak only used Twitter and that was maybe once or twice a day to just catch up on what's happening. I'd just ask him what's happened and that was probably our only conversations each day. Every day slowly brought us to talk a little more, but ever since the self harm incident I think it's just kind of shook us both. I don't think he knew that he wanted to die. But apparently his tongue did.

I felt like I was at fault for this but I knew I tried to talk to him but he didn't seem like he wanted to reply back. So I gave him his space. I drag myself out of my bed and place the covers somewhat neatly for when I get back into it. I head to the bathroom, the memory of our last proper conversation rung in my head.

"I don't know if I can keep up with this." The words repeated and they only got faster. Soon enough what was originally Zak's voice saying it became a distorted monster's. I alert myself that I'm zoned out in the bathroom. I forgot why I was in there by the time I zoned back into reality.

Trying to remember why I was there, I look around. Nothing came to mind so I decided instead I'd just go downstairs. I see Zak, he was just minding his own business probably getting his daily dose of Twitter.

He sees me and just smiles awkwardly, I smile back and say, "Hey." Then I head to the kitchen and I was followed by him. Surprising, does he need something?

Before I can decide what I was going to do, my thoughts were cut off by Zak's words, "I'm sorry I've been avoiding you."

I turn to look at him, "It's fine, Zak. You opened up without really realising and you shut down again, that's normal."

He smiles again, "Thanks. But I know I'm not the only one hurting myself." His smile slowly turned into a frown and before I could act befuddled he began his case, "I noticed that there was blood beside the taps a couple days ago."

Shit. Did I not clean that up?

"I.. err." I look at him blankly for a few seconds and tut my tongue, "Don't have anything against that."

He sighs in disappointment, "We seriously need to stop."

I nod. My brain couldn't function words and the longer this conversation went the more non-verbal I became. I think Zak noticed the less I replied.

"I get you don't want to talk about it either. But like you said, it's been hard and we've been through hard before." Zak states, I hated it when people used my own words on me but it felt different when he did. It's like I actually wanted to listen.

My brain couldn't do the talking but I knew what I would of said back. I go from anxious to calm, but it felt weird not being able to like say something. It's like something was blocking me from saying anything.

I do jazz hands and I start to feel the need to fidget, I didn't know what this feeling was.

"Not able to speak? Don't worry. Happens to the best of us." He just says and smiles. I smile back, but instead of a soft sweet smile it's like a child. I felt really giddy and I just wanted to zoom around the world and do everything. But that everything didn't seem to include talking.

But that everything seemed to blast out the idea of kissing and cuddling him. Another rush of happiness hits my body, and it makes me blurt out something, "I think we should-"

"Talk?"

"No. Uhh.."

"Everything okay, Darryl?"

"My brain is bring a homosexual-" I cover my face for even considering saying that. My whole body just begins to tense up in a way it never has before.

"Oh you're saying we should kiss?"

I just blather as my answer, "My brain is saying yes but I'm like okay but not okay but also yes I want to but also yes I don't want to because it'd be awk-" but I was cut off with a soft feeling on my lips. My instant reaction system almost kicked in until I realised it was a kiss. From Zak. HOLY MUFFINS QGARABJAVCSLHCAOHCCOHAHCAOUFOYFAOFYOYAFVOUA!??!?!?!??!? My thoughts goes haywire, but my body soothes into the kiss. I kiss him back as I gay panicked. WHAT THE !!!?!??!?! HOW DO I KISS AGAIN? WAIT WHY ARE WE KISSING ISN'T THIS LIKE THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE OF WHAT WE WANT FROM THIS SCENARIO OR DO WE WANT TO KISS? I TOLD HIM IT WAS GAY DOES THAT MEAN WE'RE DATING?

We pull apart in an almost synchronisation. I could tell he was flustered too considering he immediately started tapping his foot.

Unlike me, he easily recovers. "You sure it's awkward?"

"I.. Am absolutely freaking out, you are a great kisser, okay wait no- I need to think about this in a very gay way I don't think you'd want to be around- Bye!!" I rush out the room after rambling almost inaudible sounds. I began to just go on autopilot all the way to my room. As I left to go upstairs I just heard soft chuckling coming from Zak.