STRUGGLING // SKEPHALO // DISCONTINUED, UNEDITED

2 - Dragging or pushing.

TW

SELF HARM MENTIONS
DEPRESSING THOUGHTS
PAIN KILLERS (IS THAT A TW?)

Dragging or pushing.
I couldn't tell.
It was just a force that kept me still in my bed, paralysed. I wanted to get up, but I couldn't. Like my body was telling me it was better to sleep. But the scars were itching and they needed a fresh bandage. Though I don't care for the cuts, I'd rather not get an infection and have to be rushed to hospital, to only be informed later I'd have to go to therapy. Then all my friends would find out, because they know it wouldn't be for nothing.

They don't trust me enough to be there for nothing.

I try to roll over, but it just hurt to try. So there, I laid still, thoughts shifting my mind. The constant thought of death reoccurred multiple times, was I dying? But again, I was getting more drowsy by the second. Maybe I was best to sleep again, I decide.

I knew the plan would be easier to be said than done. So after what felt like an hour of constantly struggling to fall into some sort of slumber, I fall into one, again.

When I awoke though, my body just ached, my arms especially. Though only cutting on one, both still hurt the most. Now, I could move, but my body just wouldn't due to the agony. I barely roll over.

"Mother of God..." I grumble, somewhat annoyed at the agony despite looking like a masochist previously. Truthfully, I only self-harmed originally to punish myself, but it became a guilty pleasure, then a thing I'd do a few times every week type of thing.

I push myself up and try to ignore the pain. Knowing I had some pain killers in the kitchen cabinet, I head there sluggishly. My feet dragged across the floor. I looked like a zombie. I only knew I kept them in one of the kitchen cabinets though, I didn't really remember where. It's been a couple years since I used pain killers. Trying to search through the cabinets, I start to lean on the counter tops to keep my balance.

Looking through the fourth cabinet, I finally find the pain killers, I sloppily grab a glass of water, fill my mouth with it, pop the two pills in and swallow, hoping that they wouldn't get stuck on my tongue. To my luck, they went in immediately.

Now to just wait like thirty minutes...

I go back to my room and flop onto my bed, wanting to sleep through the pain. My body would just barely shut off, and when it did, it was awoke by some neighbors dog barking.

The pain numbed, slightly. It's bearable.

I drag myself off the sheets and try to put a smile on my face, knowing I couldn't.

Maybe if I take a shower?

I groan at the thought. Knowing that I just can't be bothered, plus I'd have to stare at the scars again and I knew the temptation would rise. But I already bled enough. I just stood still, unsure of what to do. I decide to go on my PC, see what I can do. I can probably just go on the Dream SMP and muck around anyway or see if anybody needs help.

I'm definitely not talking though. I can't be bothered, I'm too tired.

I slump into my gaming chair and turn on my PC, then my monitors and wait for them to come on. After a few seconds, they all turn on as everything loaded in. When I saw the Minecraft launcher, I clicked onto it and waited for it to slowly load up. I check the skin, decide its fine and head into the server.

I saw Foolish, Sapnap and Ranboo on. Assuming they were all live, I ignore the game chat and go to my mansion. Then I got a discord notification.

Sapnap#7125
You alright?

I slightly sweat at the message, did he know? How could he know though? Was it the stream? Was I too obvious? Did he see? Did the fans see?

Oh no Oh no Oh no.

I type and send back, im fine, why? Then brave for whatever comes next. I begin to panic mad time.

Sapnap#7125
It's just that you never ignore the Minecraft chat lol, good to know you're fine though.

I message back :D and leave it as that.

Whew.

Trying to forget the past situation, I start to build another rat statue on the roof. But the lurking feeling sat there. What if people found out. What would they do? Would they run away? Would they try to help the pathetic excuse I am? Or would they laugh? Would they laugh at the clownery someone coughed up?

Because I was definitely coughed up by something disgusting.

-

a/n, all numbers in discord tags should have a meaning.