Tears Of Rain (S. Harrington)

IX

1984
Hawkins Indiana

'Chapter Five: Dig Dug'

'Motionless'

Nothing. I feel nothing about what they said. My mother, who really isn't a mother to me is dead and I don't know what of, I don't really want to know what of probably took an overdose as per usual. No tears fall from my eyes. All I feel is numb, like ice forced around my body.

Death is brutal. Emotionally brutal for the families who've lost their loved ones. Who's hearts will ache at the pain of loss, hearts shattered into pieces of losing the someone you rely on and trust the most. A love which is pure and selfless that they would do anything to bring back the person they dearly love so much, even wish to switch positions with them.

But in my case, it's the opposite. My mother never gave a shit about me, always turned a blind eye at my sadness when I needed her. Emotionally hurt by the person who was suppose to love me the most and would do anything in her power to protect me. Screamed, yelled, shouted at me while she was high of her head, giving no care about me in the world.

I felt like a rope was tide around my hands as she treated me I was a broken toy she could swing around the room and damage me. She would pull me in, make me feel that she's willing to changed and then cut the rope making me fall into a deep dark hole of guilt. Guilty of falling into the trap she pulled me into. She manipulated and embarrassed me.

I'm so angry at myself for believing she could've changed. Was I not worth changing for? Why wouldn't she work her ass off to stop taking drugs and drinking alcohol. Why couldn't she be the mother I wanted, a mother to protect and console me whenever I needed it. A mother who cared about me getting good grades in school and praising me. A mother who should stick up for me when I couldn't do it myself.

A mother who cared about the times I cried and what I cried about who would give me a hug and play with my hair until I calmed down instead of screaming at me to stop crying, making me cry even more and threatening to slap me if I didn't shut up, making me swallow my cries until I was choking for air.

She stripped me of everything. She stripped me off confidence, calling my body too fat or too wide. It's like she doesn't even know how a body worked plus, I was a little girl. It made me turn to magazines, looking at all the daughters my mother really wanted making me insecure and not wanting to eat just to please her.

She's made me think so low to the point where I didn't want to be here anymore. All that pressure on me as a child weighed on me and with her constant abused it made me want to die. I would sit and cry every night while she slept on the couch holding a bottle of vodka in her hand. I cried about how my life got worse with each day I lived here

I blame her for everything. I blame her for turning me into a insecure, depressed, traumatised teen with issues I can't even begin to explain. She left me , she left me here alone taking care of my brother. I had no idea what to do, I was nine years old! I did everything in my power to protect Kyle from that poisonous monster that lived under the same roof as us.